If a hippo pees in the woods…

Posted: January 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Cute, huh?

I watched a show on hippopotamuses last night. I know, exhilirating. I was bored, and there was nothing else on, and even though it was from 2001 and NOT in HD (what gives, DirecTV?), I was enthralled by the preview that showed hippos fighting, so I thought, why the hell not?

First of all, let me say, hippos are really, really mean. Imagine if you encountered a gathering of really fat people and one of them got pissed off because you decided to come to their party and then that angry fat person decided to chase you then sit on you. And that fat person was freakishly fast. That’s how mean hippos are. Like, super mean. They are so mean that next time I go to the zoo, I don’t even want to look at them for fear they will get into my dreams then bite me in half and go back to the other hippos and brag about it. Okay, let me reel it back in here…

While watching it, I got to think about something not necessarily related to just hippos, but to all large animals. Before I get to my point, let me ask this? Have you ever seen a hippo, or any other large land mammal pee (and yes, I know hippos live in the water too so spare me the lesson)? It’s a lot of pee. Not only is it a lot, but it is really reminiscent of a fire hose. WHOOOOOOSHH. That’s how hippos pee, in case you were wondering. And while I’m thinking about this (and don’t ask why I was because there really is no reason), I went off on another tangent. If large animals pee like that, I wonder if large people do as well? And I’m not talking necessarily large people like, say, Shaquille O’Neal, but rather, the morbidly obese; the kind where you have to bust down a wall and get them out with a crane. When they pee, is it hippoesque?

I don’t know the answer to this question. Every show I have watched on the morbidly obese (which admittedly is very few) conveniently fails to mention their pee habits, nor does Wikipedia have any articles relating to this phenomenon. This is, without a doubt, highly disappointing. I am very inquisitive by nature and I like to know everything about everything. Because this is a gap in my repertoire of knowledge, I must say I am a bit sad on this Friday morning.

Perhaps I should write a letter to TLC, or Discovery, or National Geographic, or any other station that chooses to make show exploiting the perils of a person that must be extracted from his or her abode by dynamite, a crane and a flatbed truck (one with pictures of naked ladies on the mudflaps). Perhaps it would go a little something like…

Dear Exploiters of the Morbidly Obese,

I have a question. When a moribidly obese person urinates, is it much like a hippopatumus, elephant, and/or rhinocerous? Your show fails to explain this and I am full of curiosity on the subject matter.

Yours truly,


P.S.-If I could get a video to post to YouTube that would be great.

Notice how I used the word “urinate” instead of pee above. I figure by using the medical term, it would increase the likelihood of getting a response, and the video I requested. When sending such a request, every little bit helps.

In lieu of sending the aforementioned email, I ask you, do you know anyone morbidly obese? Are you able to satisfy my curiosity? If you do, send me an email and I’ll post it to Wikipedia.

I gotta pee.
–Forrest Gump



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