Archive for February, 2011

Forever and a day

Posted: February 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

To refresh your memory, in case you have forgotten, I have three dogs. My four-legged children are all fairly large in size, and almost all exactly one year apart. One of the unpleasantries of dog ownership is, of course, the potty break. Two of the three animals (Austin & Molly) have no problem with this task. Outside, stop, poop, done. The third (Bella), on the other hand, is another story all together…

Bella seems to have an issue finding a place to poop. I know that this an issue for some dogs, but it doesn’t make it any easier to understand. Why does finding a place to dump have to turn into a scientific expedition? Sniff. Turn. Nope. Sniff. Turn. Nope. Sniff. Turn. Nope. Sniff. Turn. Turn. Maybe. Nope. On and on it goes for what seems like three eternities held together by pieces of string.

I am quite sure there is some sort of scientific explanation for why they do this. Frankly, however, I don’t care about that. Unless, of course, there is something I can do to speed her up (though admittedly I am curious what she is smelling that is turning her “off” to a particular location, especially since its her own backyard and, you know, she poops there everyday). I’d say I could put some laxative in her food but I’d rather not on my hands and knees covered in my own vomit from cleaning up dog poo. So, the only thing I am left to do is wait while Bella turns a simple task into an algebraic formula of epic proportions. Maybe she does it because she knows it irritates me. Or maybe she is a mad scientist attempting to perfect some process that she will later share with the AKC. Your guess is as good as mine.

I guess, in the end, as a dog owner, I just have to put up with this shit…every pun intended.

From a dog’s point of view, his master is an elongated and an abnormally cunning dog.
–Mabel Robinson



Where have you been?

Posted: February 6, 2011 in Uncategorized

Gosh, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Lately, I have been poked and prodded to write something, anything. In the past, this was not a difficult order to follow. My angst-ridden self always had something to bitch and moan about; something to make fun of. These days, my angst seems to have subsided. Or, at a minimum, it has buried itself deep within my organs and only rears its (beautifully) ugly head when I’ve been drinking. And, since typing whilst drinking is quite challenging, well, you get the idea.

What have I done worth noting lately? Well, truth be told, nothing. I’ve been to both Wilkes-Barre, PA and Indianapolis, IN, both of which have some of the ugliest people I have ever seen. Indy rivals KC in its ghettoness, and Wilkes-Barre feels…well, it feels like a dying town. Nothing fun to write about there. Why, you may ask, did I feel compelled to visit both of these beautiful cities? It was a forced compulsion you could say. Because, you know, I’d like to keep my job (that I hate).

But, I digress. No sense talking about the displeasure feels in one’s job, if for nothing more than to improve the chances of remaining gainfully employed. I’m sure my two-and four-legged pups would all prefer that I continue to bring home the bacon, both literally and figuratively. And since I enjoy my Camels and New Belgium, probably best if I refrain from bearing my (miserable) employment soul. Maybe later…

I do sound bitter, don’t I? Well, I’m not. Don’t let the perception of such ruin the reality of it. I’m just…boring. School, kid, day job, oil-wrestling and part-time janitorial work at the local sperm bank does not make for an exciting, literature-worthy existence (did you see how many times I used dashes there?). Perhaps I have stopped looking at everyone through a cock(hehe)eye. Or perhaps I’ve just grown soft. Or perhaps…

Who the fuck am I kidding? People suck. A person is okay but people are, as a collective, annoying and disgusting and they give me gas. So, no more softness. No more looking the other way. No more refraining from pointing out the bad in everyone else. No more refraining from talking about monkey poo, or how Sarah Palin would look better in Hustler than in the White House. And finally, no more letting the idiocy of life pass by unnoticed.

I’m back.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
–Albert Einstein