Using the restroom in public is an inevitability. Unless you are one of the lucky ones to be born with out bowels and/or a bladder, or one of the lucky ones that has had the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize Patrol visit you, thus eliminating the need for work, you will have to visit a public restroom at some point. For most of us, the majority of our public restroom experiences are at work. Because of this, there are some rules that a person should be guided by, if for nothing more than to keep up appearances.
The first rule when using the public restroom at work is to wash your hands. Nobody gives a shit if you don’t wash your hands at home, or even at the mall, but when you are at work, you are touching things that could touch me and as such should make an effort to wash your weiner germs off your hands before exiting the restroom. Besides spreading your disgusting pube juice around the office, you know what else happens when you don’t wash your hands at work? We talk about you. And by “we”, of course, I mean me. Hell, even if you don’t want to lather up with soap, at least turn on the water so we think you are doing the right thing and ridding your paws of your pee residue. And, don’t give me the “I use hand sanitizer” shit either. I didn’t see you use it, therefore you are still sporting the germs of last night’s Taiwanese transvestite hooker on your finger tips. Oh, and if you are a big fat guy, it is even more important to wash your hands after whippin’ out the pee stick. Why? Because you look greasy and gross already and that just adds to your overall nastiness.
The second rule that should be applied to work restroom experiences is also just as simple: FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET! After you are done tucking Mr. Winky away, it takes absolutely zero effort to reach up and push that little metal bar and evacuate the urinal of your tinkle. Once again, when you don’t, we talk about you. Furthermore, if you are an executive in a company and fail to flush to urine box, we lose a little (a lot) of respect for you. “Oh, I thought it was automatic.” Spare me your deception and lies. You are either A. lazy, or B. don’t want to get cock germs on your fingers. If it is option A, you should be provided with a catheter and bag. If it is option B, I have an easy solution: WASH YOUR HANDS!
The third rule for any public restroom outing is one I have mentioned before. Much like the two previous rules, this one is as equally as simple. When you are in the potty, do us all a favor and shut the hell up. When you talk to me, you make my stream cut off or my turtle crawl back in its shell. Then I have to spend another five minutes trying to get the hose goin’ again or coaxing the turtle out with some dead crickets. So, do us all a favor and keep your eyes and words to yourself and save the stimulating convo about your daughter’s first period for the hallway.
Rule number four for public restroom usage is closely related to number three as violating number four often leads to a violation of number three. If the restroom you are in is not full, meaning there are other open stalls/urinals, when picking a place to drop your deuce or spray your pee pee, pick a place that is not right next to me. For example, if there are five open stalls/urinals and I am using one, you needn’t choose the one right next to me. This is wrong for many reasons. First, we are not girls and we do not need to socialize while engaging in such a bodily function. Second, I don’t want to see your weiner and you don’t need to see mine. Third, and this applied to stalls only, I’m not going to reach my hand under the stall and beat you off (I’m not Senator Larry Craig). Unless all the other stalls are in use, just move along little doggy and do your bidness in peace.
The fifth and final rule for public restroom usage is one that should especially be applied at work, but can also be applied to any public restroom scenario. When in a public restroom specifically to drop off the Cosbys, it is important to remain quiet during this experience. While we all may understand what it’s like to have a rough go at it, grunting like a 15-year old Russian tennis player named Svetlana is not only unnecessary, it is down right nauseating. If you are having that much trouble pushing out that chocolate soft serve, might I recommend a high fiber diet or a colostomy bag. I think we would all rather hear Lamaze-style breathing instead of grunts of fecal desperation. Perhaps that is an option if the diet or bag aren’t your thing. Oh, and another thing, I know that fart just felt good, but a sigh of relief is also not necessary.
We can all coexist on this subject matter if anyone and everyone would have the respect to follow the above rules when embarking upon a journey to the porcelain gods. Public restrooms are not your personal playground and it is bad enough that we have to smell last night’s refried beans and tacos; please don’t make it worse by violating the rules of etiquette outlined above. The sanity of tinklers and poopers everywhere depends on it.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.