Archive for October, 2010

For appearance’s sake

Posted: October 15, 2010 in Uncategorized

Using the restroom in public is an inevitability. Unless you are one of the lucky ones to be born with out bowels and/or a bladder, or one of the lucky ones that has had the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize Patrol visit you, thus eliminating the need for work, you will have to visit a public restroom at some point. For most of us, the majority of our public restroom experiences are at work. Because of this, there are some rules that a person should be guided by, if for nothing more than to keep up appearances.

The first rule when using the public restroom at work is to wash your hands. Nobody gives a shit if you don’t wash your hands at home, or even at the mall, but when you are at work, you are touching things that could touch me and as such should make an effort to wash your weiner germs off your hands before exiting the restroom. Besides spreading your disgusting pube juice around the office, you know what else happens when you don’t wash your hands at work? We talk about you. And by “we”, of course, I mean me. Hell, even if you don’t want to lather up with soap, at least turn on the water so we think you are doing the right thing and ridding your paws of your pee residue. And, don’t give me the “I use hand sanitizer” shit either. I didn’t see you use it, therefore you are still sporting the germs of last night’s Taiwanese transvestite hooker on your finger tips. Oh, and if you are a big fat guy, it is even more important to wash your hands after whippin’ out the pee stick. Why? Because you look greasy and gross already and that just adds to your overall nastiness.

The second rule that should be applied to work restroom experiences is also just as simple: FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET! After you are done tucking Mr. Winky away, it takes absolutely zero effort to reach up and push that little metal bar and evacuate the urinal of your tinkle. Once again, when you don’t, we talk about you. Furthermore, if you are an executive in a company and fail to flush to urine box, we lose a little (a lot) of respect for you. “Oh, I thought it was automatic.” Spare me your deception and lies. You are either A. lazy, or B. don’t want to get cock germs on your fingers. If it is option A, you should be provided with a catheter and bag. If it is option B, I have an easy solution: WASH YOUR HANDS!

The third rule for any public restroom outing is one I have mentioned before. Much like the two previous rules, this one is as equally as simple. When you are in the potty, do us all a favor and shut the hell up. When you talk to me, you make my stream cut off or my turtle crawl back in its shell. Then I have to spend another five minutes trying to get the hose goin’ again or coaxing the turtle out with some dead crickets. So, do us all a favor and keep your eyes and words to yourself and save the stimulating convo about your daughter’s first period for the hallway.

Rule number four for public restroom usage is closely related to number three as violating number four often leads to a violation of number three. If the restroom you are in is not full, meaning there are other open stalls/urinals, when picking a place to drop your deuce or spray your pee pee, pick a place that is not right next to me. For example, if there are five open stalls/urinals and I am using one, you needn’t choose the one right next to me. This is wrong for many reasons. First, we are not girls and we do not need to socialize while engaging in such a bodily function. Second, I don’t want to see your weiner and you don’t need to see mine. Third, and this applied to stalls only, I’m not going to reach my hand under the stall and beat you off (I’m not Senator Larry Craig). Unless all the other stalls are in use, just move along little doggy and do your bidness in peace.

The fifth and final rule for public restroom usage is one that should especially be applied at work, but can also be applied to any public restroom scenario. When in a public restroom specifically to drop off the Cosbys, it is important to remain quiet during this experience. While we all may understand what it’s like to have a rough go at it, grunting like a 15-year old Russian tennis player named Svetlana is not only unnecessary, it is down right nauseating. If you are having that much trouble pushing out that chocolate soft serve, might I recommend a high fiber diet or a colostomy bag. I think we would all rather hear Lamaze-style breathing instead of grunts of fecal desperation. Perhaps that is an option if the diet or bag aren’t your thing. Oh, and another thing, I know that fart just felt good, but a sigh of relief is also not necessary.¬†

We can all coexist on this subject matter if anyone and everyone would have the respect to follow the above rules when embarking upon a journey to the porcelain gods. Public restrooms are not your personal playground and it is bad enough that we have to smell last night’s refried beans and tacos; please don’t make it worse by violating the rules of etiquette outlined above. The sanity of tinklers and poopers everywhere depends on it.

Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
–Will Cuppy

jbr

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The fact of the matter is…

Posted: October 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

Okay, we all know I have liberal-leaning tendencies, so there is no real need to get into the details about that. However, as election season is upon us, and as we are inundated with TV and radio ads for political parties and individuals, I can’t help but voice a little irritation with the right-leaning side of the fence. Ready? Let’s go.

(Oh, and this guy right here is Roy Blunt and he is running for Senate in Missouri. Although I may find his last name to be bitchin’, doesn’t he look like a greasy snake-oil salesman? Or the Joker. His eyebrows are always like that. I can’t tell if he’s pissed or just really, really surprised.)

Guns
Look conservatives, including all your teabaggers out there, ain’t nobody gunna take yer guns. At no time during the last fifty years has anyone ever come close to repealing the Second Amendment. Every election year ads show up on TV accusing the “liberals” of a burning desire to take all your guns and drop them at the bottom of the ocean. This is, for lack of a better word, complete bullshit. Admittedly, many liberals (myself included) desire to find a way to better control the way guns are distributed. If you’ve ever lived near a large urban area, you’ll know why (sidebar: yes, I know guns don’t kill people, people kill people. I get it. But, what do those people killing people have in their hands? Guns. So, really, the statement should be, “Guns don’t kill people, people carrying guns kill people). Repealing the Second Amendment, or storming your house and taking all your precious boom sticks are not on the liberal agenda. But, because many conservatives fail to understand what the word “compromise” means, they will spin it that the crazy liberals want to steal your guns so the big bad government can take over. And, unfortunately, many people believe this.

Gays
You’re not going to get rid of gays…period. It’s not going to happen, so just stop trying. Even though this is not part of any political ad that I am aware of, the fact of the matter is most die-hard conservatives don’t care for the gays (save for the Log Cabin Republicans, of course). Like it or not, they deserve the same rights as everyone else. Get over it and get used to it.

Taxes
This is a big one. I am personally all for saving a little out of my paycheck. I mean, really, aren’t we all? Who doesn’t want a little extra coin? If you listen to conservatives, you would think that they could make sure you have a lot more coin in your pocket by “cutting taxes.” Let’s be honest, though, who are they really cutting taxes for? Me? You? Probably not. And what exactly happens when they cut taxes? Where does the government get the money from? Selling crack? Hookin’? The illegal slave trade? Has our society become so individualistic that people feel they don’t have to chip in for the collective good of the nation? I am horrible at math and I am not going to pretend that I understand the tax system. However, even the most basic intelligence would ask the same questions I would if he or she stopped for one second to think about the notion of “lower taxes.” Your taxes pay for roads, schools, hospitals, the wars you love to fight and basically any situation where the government as to provide federal assistance (9/11, Katrina, etc. etc.). I wonder if anyone ever takes a moment to ponder that. What would happen if a massive earthquake struck in this country and the government didn’t have any money to help with the efforts? Would we borrow money from China? Would we just rope off the area and let everyone die? Think about that.

Abortion
It will never be made illegal. Give it up. Accept it as one of those moral decisions that the majority of the country is not okay with you making for them and focus your efforts elsewhere.

Freedom
Yeah, nobody is coming to take our freedom. The country is not going to turn to socialism, nor is the government going to control every facet of our lives. Before you go preaching about how the liberal agenda is going to destroy our American liberties, perhaps we should discuss all the liberties that you would like to control (drugs, abortion, religion, the Patriot Act).

******************

Unfortunately, the majority of Americans are ignorant and have very little understanding about, well, basically everything. They are easily swayed by fear and paranoia (from both sides, though more from the right than the left) and they want “change”, but when someone attempts to bring “change,” they fight it tooth and nail. They only see what is being fed to them and have little desire to seek out the truth and make a decision based on facts. Instead, they make a decision based on what someone else is telling them with little regard for the whole story.

We, as a nation, have made this mess ourselves. You can pick a side and point the finger at the other side and hope something gets done. Or, and here’s a novel concept, you can arm yourself with knowledge and help make decisions that will actually improve the American way of life. Our nation’s ignorance has led us down this path of uncertainty. Our politicians’ tendencies to focus on “hot button” issues while ignoring the real issues of this country in order to garner votes does nothing to bring forth any real social or political change in this country. Want real change? Provide a solution to the problems. Work together as Americans to make this country stronger. Put aside ignorant political ideologies and develop personal bonds that will help to stoke the flames of change.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
–Mahatma Gandhi¬†

jbr