What not to wear

Posted: August 16, 2010 in Uncategorized

First, my apologies for the picture that you see to the left. As gruesome as it is, I felt it necessary to post this picture with this post for illustrative purposes. I can complain about the fashion choices of others until the cows come home (moo), but unless you actually see what is now burned into my skull, my words are empty and hollow…like the Tin Man’s penis. I digress…
Before we get to dissect the aforementioned picture, let me first give you the set-up. I took this photo at an outdoor concert in Council Bluffs, IA. It was, as one can imagine for August, a bit warm, though it was not as sweltering has it has been around these (Midwest) parts over the last couple of weeks. Because the temperature was above 80-degrees, much of the whiskey tango present at this show decided it would be a good idea to wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of what one looks like in said clothing (or lack thereof). Furthermore, the heat apparently clouded the judgment of many a person at the show, and thus we are discussing the nauseating fashion choices of those that attended this event.
I call the photo to the left, “Baking the Bread.” In this photographic masterpiece, I ask you to notice a couple of things. First, the obvious loaf of bread wrapped around this poor soul’s waist. Now, before you crucify me here, let me add one thing. I know that nobody is perfect and I by no means believe every person on the planet is built like a super model. However, with that being said, if your body is in a condition that is questionable at best, it is my opinion that you should leave the shirt on…more on that in a minute. Back on point we go…
The next think I would ask you to notice about this photo is her shorts. These shorts, which look to be an abomination of anything decent, appear to have given up on attempting to contain the loaf of bread spilling forth from this gal’s gut. Not only are the shorts unbuttoned, presumably because the button flew off and killed a small child, but they are folded down. Not discretely folded down either. Oh no. Full blown, laundry-style folding. Classy is the word that comes to mind when I see these shorts.
The last thing I’d like you to notice about “Baking the Bread” is the tattoo, just below what I assume are boobs. It looks like it is some sort of writing, and while I do not know what it says, my guess is that it is the recipe to the loaf of bread we will all be enjoying here shortly. DING! Bread’s ready!
As I just mentioned, I know we are not perfect. We all have our physical flaws and some of us are just a bit more conscious about covering up said flaws. With that in mind, I just have one question for the bread lady: who the holy fuck told you it was a good idea to leave the house wearing that outfit? I know it’s summer. I know it’s hot. I get that. But, really, come the fuck on. There is nothing about that outfit that screams sexy. The only thing I see when I look at that picture, besides a loaf of bread, is vomit—in my future and all over my keyboard. What makes this even worse is that this young lady was with a guy (not pictured) who was, based on their, um, behavior, apparently her love interest in some way. How did this guy keep his mouth shut and enable this chick?
If I were with someone and they wanted to bust out that particular brand of whiskey tango at a concert, let me tell you how that conversation would go:
Girl: How does this look?
Me: Are you fucking kidding? Where’s my butter?
Girl: *cry*
Me: Here is some tissue. And a hoodie. And a mirror for next time.
Guys, sometimes you have to speak up and tell your chick that if she wears that out in public, otherwise people like me are going to have a field day making fun of her. Sure, I might burn in hell for doing so, but I’ll be laughing all the way there. And girls, the same thing applies to you too. If your guy looks like Jabba the Hutt, do us all a favor and tell him to put his shirt on. Or a poncho. Or something to cover up sweaty bacon back.
Outdoor events always bring out the worst in people. Although I may be utterly disgusted by this, I can’t help but be thankful because, well, it gives me something to muse about.
Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.
–Stewie Griffin
  1. Anonymous says:

    Amen brother.

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