I now prounounce you…

Posted: August 5, 2010 in Uncategorized

Gay “marriage” is a hot topic these days and has been for quite some time. Recently, a judge in California overturned a resolution by the voters that banned gay “marriage.” While it is certainly not the end of the fight, it is definitely an interesting development in a long and contentious battle between the two sides.

As you all know, I am a liberal and, frankly, I make no bones about it. However, as many of you may also know, I was raised as a conservative and spent a great deal of my life clinging to conservative values that I thought were “right.” With those facts in mind (especially the “liberal” part), I have to state my opinion on gay “marriage.”

Many of us, regardless of political affiliation or ideology, have no problem with two people getting together and giving a long-term commitment to one another, regardless of their genders. What seems to ruffle everyone’s feathers, however, is use of the word “marriage” when it comes to the ceremonious (and legal) union of two people of the same gender. It would appear to me, through the art of keen observation, that the word “marriage” is the thorny issue that gets dug into everyone’s side. You don’t see people getting up in arms about states allowing same-sex couples to qualify for benefits or other perks that married people are privy to. It is only when the word “marriage” is introduced that conservatives (mainly) get on their soapboxes and begin to preach about blah blah blah.

In an effort to put this issue to bed once and for all and let everyone move on with their lives, let’s examine the word marriage. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “marriage” is defined as, “the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.” This word has been around since the 14th century and has had, one would assume, the exact same meaning through the duration of its existence, until recently of course. Going with the original definition, we see that “marriage” is, simply put, a ceremony between members of the opposite sex. Sounds easy enough, right? People tend to go off the pure definition of things and when someone tries to change that definition in order to match their view of the subject, it has a tendency to alienate others. Not to mention the fact that most religions out there don’t support gay “marriage”, which in turn taints the religious aspect of a wedding in some regard. Understanding this fact, and before your panties in a bunch thinking I’m going to rail against why gays should be allowed to walk down the path of divorce like everyone else, I have a simple solution for the issue: don’t use the term “gay marriage.”

I know, that sounds totally crazy, right? Well, I personally don’t think it is too crazy. As we discussed previously, the human species tends to get a bit lazy when it comes to linguistics and/or coining new phrases (unless are for the Internet, LOL ROFL LMAO). Much like turkey bacon is not really bacon, gay marriage isn’t really marriage in the truest sense of the word. Therefore, it only stands to reason that, like turkey bacon, perhaps we should call gay marriage something else.

I know what you (gay) guys are thinking, “Civil union is just so b-o-r-i-n-g.” I couldn’t agree more, my fashionista friends. That is why I propose we change the term “gay marriage” to “rainbowfication.” It combines “rainbows,” which us straight people know you like, and “unification” which is legally what you are doing. Additionally, not only do you get a cool new word and ceremony that is all your own, it may actually find put to rest the constant bickering over stupid laws that, given the need for equality, should just be common sense.

If two people want to commit to spending their lives with one another, far be it from me to argue with it, even if that lifestyle isn’t for me. I have no moral opinions on the issue and I say if it makes people happy, let them do it. What I do take exception to, however, is using the word “marriage” to describe something that really isn’t a marriage at all, but rather a legally binding commitment ceremony. Let straight people have their “marriage” and gay people have their “rainbowfication.” Many gays pride themselves on being unique and outside the fold of mainstream society. By having their own ceremony, one that cannot be copied by the straighties, they are further cementing themselves as a unique part of our society. Finally, this means that straight folks can stop pitching a God-awful fit every time something like this comes up on the ballot and we can hopefully move on with breaking down more important barriers between hetero and homosexuals.

In reality, I know this will never happen. The gay rights movement will still insist on calling it marriage and the conservative movement will still insist on fighting this tooth and nail. This will, as a consequence, continue to eat up our tax dollars and dig an even deeper divide between the two parties. I guess this is just the way we do things in America.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the “will of the people” goes out the window.

–Bill Maher


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