Archive for July, 2010

Shortie swing my way

Posted: July 2, 2010 in Uncategorized

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a huge fan of sports. Well, most sports. I think soccer is stupid and boring, and hockey will be forever dead to me due to Sarah’s constantly labeling herself as a “hockey mom.” Tennis, golf, baseball, football, basketball (not the NBA)…I will watch all of the above and not only enjoy doing so, but actually understand what is going on.

Given my love for sports, it only stands to reason that I be on the look out for the next big thing (except UFC…now that shit is REALLY stupid). Now, also bear in mind that I am not much of an inventor, so when an idea comes to me that I feel is marketable, well, I run with it.

I got to thinking the other day, while being subjected to soccer on my beloved ESPN, “What would make this sport more entertaining?” Then, taking it a step further, “What would make sports more enjoyable, period?” After mulling this over for a spell over a couple of beers and a jay, the little light bulb above my head went off. You know what would make soccer, and indeed all sports, better? Midgets.

That’s right. Midgets. Not little people, or the vertically challenged. Good ol’ fashioned, creepy looking, sausagey midgets. Picture it. Hundreds, if not thousands, of midgets running around each day playing the sports we love. How much more fun would soccer be if you saw these little bundles of joy trucking around the field trying to kick a ball that is bigger than their heads? Or, even better, seeing a bunch of big-headed kielbasas packed into pads and helmets and beating the ever-loving shit out of one another for a ball, once again, that is probably bigger than most parts of their bodies (speaking of the helmets, I bet you would have to get custom jobs for those freaky shaped heads they have).

I think, with this idea, there is even room for the invention of some new sports, or at a minimum, bringing back some of the classics. One such sport that could be brought back from the dead is jousting. I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t the horses too big?” You would be right, my friend. That is why I have come up with a solution for that problem. Instead of riding full-sized ponies, our midget jousters could instead ride those freaky little miniature horses. You know the ones I’m talking about. Small, retarded looking, basically just an anomaly of nature. What better way than to engage in a jousting match than having two of God’s funniest creations pair up together. That is what I call some serious entertainment.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg. The possibilities for entertainment are limitless, provided that we can find a slew of midgets willing to abuse their bodies for our entertainment. However, I don’t think that should be too hard. If there are midgets out there willing to do porn and get impaled by a wiener that is the size of her (or his) torso, there should be midgets willing to saddle up and poke another midget off a (miniature) horse.

Let the games begin!

If you hit a midget over the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
–Patton Oswalt