Thug life

Posted: April 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

Now, before we get started, let me first admit that I am a bit detached from the, shall we say, hip hop scene. Sure, I like Outkast and Jay-Z as much as the next 5’8″ white guy from the suburbs, but I am definitely not plugged into the whole slangin’ yayo lifestyle. I mean, I tried coke once, but it was with other white people and we were in Mexico and I was already drunk, but that’s besides the point.

Bearing in mind that I am not part of the chocolate (or caramel) underground, please take my confusion with a grain of salt (or coke…whatever). What I am confused about is quite simple. If you are a criminal, and you know you’re a criminal, AND, you get mad whenever you get arrested, AND, the whole being-a-criminal thing hinges squarely on you NOT going to the clink, then why must you dress, drive, and behave like a criminal in public? Even if you aren’t a criminal, why must you dress, drive, and behave like a criminal in public?

Take driving for instance. Not a day goes by where I am behind, beside, or in front of a vehicle that seems to have a phantom driver. I mean, it’s not bad enough that the vehicles pretty much all look the same. You know…the 1992 Ford Festiva with a spoiler and rims that probably cost more than a semester at Harvard. No. In addition to driving a vehicle that looks like someone saw Fast and Furious 1,456 times, we have a driver that appears to be absent from the front seat. Oh, but where could he be? Wait. I see him. He’s leaning so far back that I think he might actually be driving from the trunk. And why lean to the side? Is this in case you have to do a tuck and roll when you car speeds unexpectedly and uncontrollably towards Dead Man’s Curve and the cliff at the top of the ravine?

How about the license plate cover? You know the one I’m talking about. The tinted one. The one that says one of two things. It either says, “I don’t want my license plate to get sunburned,” or it says, “I bet the cops won’t be able to read my license plate at night.” Well, chief, I have news for you. First, license plates are made of a material we call metal and they are not subjected to the perils of the sun. Second, we can all read your license plate. In fact, not only can we read it, we also make fun of you (like now) because you think you’re so clever. And you know what that says to the fuzz? Pull me over, because, well, I have something illegal in my vehicle. I wonder if that constitutes, “probable cause.”

Personally, if I were a thug, and chose to engage in a profession that relied on performing tasks that may be viewed as less-than-legal, I would want to hide it a little better. You know. Drive a normal car, sans tinted license plate cover. Or walk, sans limp. Or wear clothing that, you know, fits (unless you were really chubs before, because then I understand not wanting to be a whole new wardrobe, just in case you gain it all back after you tear up a gallon of mint chocolate chip). I think it is just common sense to give the appearance of a law-abiding citizen, even if your day job consists of street corners, Ziplock bags, and the occasional dismantling of a wheel wheel.

I guess it is this lack of common sense that lands ’em in jail in the first place. Or in the ground. Or both. Maybe this needs to be added to school curriculum in the future.

It’s a hard knock life, for us.


  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for adding a bit of common sense to da thug life.

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