A meat by any other name

Posted: April 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

It is no secret that I love bacon…really, really love bacon (as illustrated, here: http://www.thelongstar.com/2009/04/its-never-too-early.htm). I saw Stir of Echoes and Hollow Man just because Kevin Bacon was in it; that’s how much I love bacon. It’s salty, and greasy, and low-fat, and delicious. It’s good on a sandwich, or on a burger, or in ice cream, or in a vagina. To me, bacon is the perfect, on-the-go snack if you have about 20 minutes to cook it up and package it correctly so it doesn’t leave your pockets looking like you just finished an oil wrestling match. Hell, even if you have grease stains on your pants, who cares? It’s bacon for Christ’s sake (by the way, seriously, how effing rad is that picture above?)

Bacon is not only delicious, it is made of pig. And pigs, as we all know, are fucking awesome. They are cute as babies and tasty as adults and, of course, they make terrifyingly cool sounds that make your ears ring and your stomach growl. My love for bacon aside, I have to take exception to a phenomenon that attempts to minimize the role of traditional bacon in the American culture. I’m talking about turkey bacon.

Turkey bacon. Let that rattle around in your skull for a moment. Turkey. Bacon. Sounds like something is wrong, doesn’t it? If you think something is wrong with “turkey bacon,” you would be right. Gold stars for everyone. The words “turkey” and “bacon” do not belong in the same sentence, unless of course you are referring to a turkey club with bacon, or perhaps a turkey leg wrapped in bacon and deep fried to orgasmic perfection.

Turkey bacon is a fraud, plain and simple. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, bacon is defined as, “the side of a pig cured and smoked.” See that turkey? A PIG! Nowhere in this definition does it say anything about a turkey. Or a cow. Or a bunch of vegetables mixed together and presented as some viable alternative to the almighty, meat, greasy bacon (take that, vegetarians!). Bacon is pig and pig is bacon. Turkey does not equal bacon and bacon does not equal turkey. Got it?

Look, I have no problem with providing an alternative to bacon. Most great things in life are imitated, and I understand the health-conscious’ desire to try and find something to be happy about while they are starving themselves of the finer things in life. I get it. It’s admirable. It’s foolish, but admirable nonetheless. What I take exception with is the fact that people are trying to reinvent the greatest meat known to man. There is no real substitute for bacon. There is no competition. There is no equal. Period. So, stop trying to flood the market with your lies.

I don’t care what you call it, to be quite honest, so long as you stop calling it bacon. Maybe just call it greasy turkey fat. Or maybe you can call it like tacon, or tucon, or something like that. Whatever you want to call it, stop trying to fool everyone into believing that what you’re peddling is even a tiny bit as tasty as the side of a pig cured and smoked.

Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
–Homer Simpson

jbr

AMENDMENT: MSNBC must have been reading my mind. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36441336/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/

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