The Corner

Posted: January 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

Hey homeless guy on the corner! Hey! Yeah you! I couldn’t help but notice you standing on the corner every morning when I drive into work and thought I’d say hi. How are you doing? That’s a rhetorical question, really. You’re standing on the corner in the bitter cold, so I’ll assume you aren’t doing very well. Pretty cold, isn’t it? Yeah, I know, it sucks, but when Old Man Winter comes, you can’t really do anything about that. I’ve heard it’s cold around these parts this time of the year. Every year. I notice you’re dressed for the occasion, so that’s good.

So, Mr. Homeless Guy, what are you doing on the corner every morning? Looking for a little change to help fund that next bottle of Boone’s? That’s cool. You see Mr. Homeless Guy, I appreciate your plight, but I am a bit concerned about your methods. Oh, I know the homeless like the street corner at busy intersections; I mean, I am from Austin after all, so that’s not what I’m really concerned about. After all, everyone has to earn a little cheese, right? No, what I am concerned about is where you’re standing with your sign and look of complete defeat.

Mr. Homeless Guy, I just wanted to tell you that, while standing on the corner is a good strategy, it’s probably best if you stand at an intersection where the cars, you know, stop. Standing on the corner at an intersection with no light or stop sign make it very difficult for me and my fellow drivers to throw you a little money, not to mention that it is difficult to read your sign, in the dark, going 45 mph. And even if we did throw money out our windows at that speed, it will most likely cause you physical harm, which could then land us in the slammer.

But wait, perhaps that’s what you want. Perhaps you are waiting for a driver to chuck a dime out his window and hit you, only for you to sue to the driver for several cases of Boone’s. Is that what you’re doing? You sneaky bastard! Why didn’t you just tell me. That seems like a pretty good plan to me. Maybe I’ll join you sometime and see if we can both bathe in the generosity of that BMW driver’s insurance policy.

Seriously though, Mr. Homeless Guy, I suggest you move to a corner at an intersection with stoplights. I know, I know, that crazy Vietnam Vet from Sacramento is working the busy intersection. But, I think you might be able to talk him into working with you, especially if you pretend to be Col. Newman from the 52nd Airborne. Maybe you could each take shifts. Since you seem to be so fond of the predawn hours, it only makes sense that you take the 5 a.m.-1 p.m. shift and he can take the 1 p.m.-8 p.m. shift. I know he has the more premium shift, what with having some daylight and warmth from the sun, but maybe after a bit of hard work, or when he dies of cirrhosis of the liver, you can take over that shift and bring on someone to fill the early morning shift.

See, Mr. Homeless Guy, it’s all about establishing goals in life. So, get out there and be the best you can be!

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
–Lord Byron



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