Archive for January, 2010

The Corner

Posted: January 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

Hey homeless guy on the corner! Hey! Yeah you! I couldn’t help but notice you standing on the corner every morning when I drive into work and thought I’d say hi. How are you doing? That’s a rhetorical question, really. You’re standing on the corner in the bitter cold, so I’ll assume you aren’t doing very well. Pretty cold, isn’t it? Yeah, I know, it sucks, but when Old Man Winter comes, you can’t really do anything about that. I’ve heard it’s cold around these parts this time of the year. Every year. I notice you’re dressed for the occasion, so that’s good.

So, Mr. Homeless Guy, what are you doing on the corner every morning? Looking for a little change to help fund that next bottle of Boone’s? That’s cool. You see Mr. Homeless Guy, I appreciate your plight, but I am a bit concerned about your methods. Oh, I know the homeless like the street corner at busy intersections; I mean, I am from Austin after all, so that’s not what I’m really concerned about. After all, everyone has to earn a little cheese, right? No, what I am concerned about is where you’re standing with your sign and look of complete defeat.

Mr. Homeless Guy, I just wanted to tell you that, while standing on the corner is a good strategy, it’s probably best if you stand at an intersection where the cars, you know, stop. Standing on the corner at an intersection with no light or stop sign make it very difficult for me and my fellow drivers to throw you a little money, not to mention that it is difficult to read your sign, in the dark, going 45 mph. And even if we did throw money out our windows at that speed, it will most likely cause you physical harm, which could then land us in the slammer.

But wait, perhaps that’s what you want. Perhaps you are waiting for a driver to chuck a dime out his window and hit you, only for you to sue to the driver for several cases of Boone’s. Is that what you’re doing? You sneaky bastard! Why didn’t you just tell me. That seems like a pretty good plan to me. Maybe I’ll join you sometime and see if we can both bathe in the generosity of that BMW driver’s insurance policy.

Seriously though, Mr. Homeless Guy, I suggest you move to a corner at an intersection with stoplights. I know, I know, that crazy Vietnam Vet from Sacramento is working the busy intersection. But, I think you might be able to talk him into working with you, especially if you pretend to be Col. Newman from the 52nd Airborne. Maybe you could each take shifts. Since you seem to be so fond of the predawn hours, it only makes sense that you take the 5 a.m.-1 p.m. shift and he can take the 1 p.m.-8 p.m. shift. I know he has the more premium shift, what with having some daylight and warmth from the sun, but maybe after a bit of hard work, or when he dies of cirrhosis of the liver, you can take over that shift and bring on someone to fill the early morning shift.

See, Mr. Homeless Guy, it’s all about establishing goals in life. So, get out there and be the best you can be!

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
–Lord Byron



Yours truly in the news.

Posted: January 22, 2010 in Uncategorized

Check out yours truly on the local news. Pretty cool if you ask me.

You’ve been Roadhoused!

Nobody puts baby in the corner.



Posted: January 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

I am going to try to walk the fine line of not sounding like a complete bigot here, but what is it with “minorities” and “respect?” Why is the act of perceived disrespect always the excuse for killing someone, hurting someone, or…acting like a complete fucking nut job, as illustrated by this video and article:

Seriously. This wacko thought it was acceptable to trash a McDonald’s because she felt disrespected? Oh, okay. That makes it all better. Let’s just drop the charges and throw her a fucking parade for standing up for disrespected people everywhere.

Look dildo, you just set your people (yes, I said it) back like 100 years with that behavior. Not only do you like like a complete and utter idiot on the video, but you back that up in your interview. Black people get a bad enough rap for shit like this anyway; you’re just making it worse. Maybe Al Sharpton needs to step in and slap you silly. Seriously though, I think you need to be a little less worried about the perception of respect and a little more worried about that hairdo. Really. Purple? Are you a Minnesota Viking? Barney? Grimace?

Truth of the matter is, these people work at McDonald’s. Let me say it again. These. People. Work. At. McDonald’s. You say you worked at McDonald’s, and while I am not surprised, you of all people should understand that the gene pool floor is routinely scraped in order to fill vacant slots. Think back to the days when you were scraped off the gene pool floor and given a chance to do something better with yourself. Learn the values of flipping burgers and adding too much salt to fries. Those are invaluable life lessons. Are you so far removed from your time there that you have forgotten that they aren’t disrespecting you, but rather are just trying to give you something that they spit on since you were quite obviously being a complete twat right out of the gates.

Also, I have news for you sista, you need to get that “customer is always right” shit out of your head right now. The customer is never right. Ever. Period. The customer is catered to for fear of retribution, but the customer is never right. About anything. At any time. At any place. Your life will be much more pleasant, retail establishments will be much safer, and your rap sheet will be much smaller if you just realize this, embrace it, and move on with your violent, albeit comical, existence.

I think out of principle the DA should refuse to plea bargain for this dimwit so she is stuck working at McDonald’s the rest of her life.

Treat others as you want them to treat you because what goes around comes around.



Posted: January 12, 2010 in Uncategorized

Happy belated New Year to you all. Not that I really care to be perfectly honest. Because, well, if i really cared, I would’ve said something sooner.

You may be wondering what has happened to me. Okay, probably not, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Nothing has happened to me. My absence has been nothing more than a lack of anything good to write about. Even as I write this, I’m wondering where this is going. Probably nowhere, but hey, at least I’m posting something.

I’m finally glad that everyone is done bitching about 2009. Seriously. Get over it already. Yes, we know it sucked. But the way I look at it is if you lived to see 2010, hey, 2009 wasn’t that bad after all. Unless you got chlamydia from a Taiwanese hooker; that would ruin anyone’s year.

Another reason for my absence has not only been the lack ideas, but also the fact that school writing has completely and utterly sucked the joy out of something I dig so much. It’s hard to be witty and funny when I’m writing one or two papers a week about subjects that I could give two (not one) flying fucks about. You might ask, why am I still going then? Simple: Commitment. I set forth to do something and I aim to complete it. Otherwise, if I don’t finish it, I would just hate myself. Plus, I would have to start paying back my student loans again. No thanks. I mean, I’ll never get them paid off anyway, but I really don’t want to start paying on them in 2010.

Dear offspring,

Here’s some debt.

Yours truly,


This is very stream-of-consciousness, don’t ya think? Yeah, neither do I. It’s really just a bunch of self-fulfilling, egotistical, literary bullshit. It’s okay. I can call a spade a spade. I wish spades weren’t black, but because they are, that statement could be deemed as racist. Try saying that to a black person and see what happens. Report back when you do.

I guess that’s it friends. Until next time…

It’s always gonna be sour grapes with you boy, until you get a ride with Jesus.


Oh, and P.S.–GO COWBOYS!