Archive for November, 2009

Archaeological Find

Posted: November 24, 2009 in Uncategorized

It has been quite some time since I have had a stroke of creative genius. My brain, for lack of a better explanation, has been on hiatus (or rather, consumed with other things). However, the other day I had a bit of a creative epiphany, and after a couple of days of crock-potting my ideas, I think it is finally ready for consumption.

Several days back I was at lunch with a friend of mine. We stopped at a light downtown and I decided to dispose of my ABC gum. I threw the gum out the window, right onto the sidewalk, as is customary. I remarked to my friend that I enjoy throwing my gum where other people might step on it so that I may transport my DNA across the globe. My thought is that millions of years from now, perhaps some future species will find my DNA somewhere far, far away.

That little joke got me to thinking about another joke. Okay, people…you ready? Follow.

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Five million years from now, the Earth is a barren wasteland; a shell of its former self. Long gone is man. Long gone are millions upon millions of species that once inhabited the Earth. The planet had become nothing more than a temporary way station for travelers, its history’s secrets buried deep in the layers of sediment covering the once bustling landscape.

A team of other-wordly scientists had taken samples of the planet’s previous species and worked carefully to extract the DNA of what was believed to be the human race. Little did they know that the DNA they extracted was special.

Several months after the extraction, the first cloning operation commenced. Initially the human male cloned proved to be unremarkable. Average height; average looks; average IQ. As the clone grew at an accelerated rate, it became apparent that the clone was above average in one area.

One of the scientists had a vision. A vision so grandiose, so outlandish, that it was brilliant. With the success of the first clone, he went forth with additional clones. Batch after batch of clones was produced, each one as special as the next. Quickly his plan came to fruition; he quickly realized his dream: A master race of porn stars.

Coming Summer 2010. From the director of V for Vagina and The Devil Wears Panties, comes a tale of science, space travel, and rock hard cock.

Sam Feel
Jeff Goldbum
Laura Dong
And Samuel L. Whackson

In

Jurassic Pork

An adventure 65 million cocks in the making.

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As always, thanks for indulging me.

Hold onto your butts.
–Ray Arnold

jbr

If this ever happens to me

Posted: November 5, 2009 in Uncategorized

Dear Family and Friends,

Death is not a pleasant thing to discuss. However, after revisiting an old story, I decided it would be best to lay the appropriate foundation, should I ever kick the bucket. Now, I know what you’re thinking–how could I tell my family what to do with me in the event of my death through my blog? Well, I’m not exactly going to discuss that, but something quite similiar.

Family, if I am ever mauled by a chimpanzee, and have my lips and eyelids and nose and hands ripped off by a primate, just let me die. Never mind the fact that I would then have to live with those injuries, but considering how much I love monkeys (and their cousins), and how much I love to fantasize about being a monkey, flinging poop at my enemies (and friends), it would be a shame to live the rest of my life fearing them. Let us call this a DNR, except the DNR only really applies to some sort of primate attack.

Oh, and something else you can do for me. If I am ever attacked by a chimp or some other primate, I would like you to kill said primate and cremate him with me and keep him in the same colored sand container that I’m in. I believe in forgiveness and what better way to say “I forgive you, Mr. Monkey” than to spend eternity mixed together in a clear glass container on someone’s mantle.

Please and thank you.

You don’t know if chimps are going to kiss you or kill you.
–Tim Burton

jbr