Archive for September, 2009

I can’t wait!

Posted: September 29, 2009 in Uncategorized

I just saw the news today, and I have to tell you (someone, anyone), how excited I am. On November 17th, the Sarah Palin memoir is coming out! Gosh, I think I need new shorts I’m so excited. The title of the book is aptly called, Going Rogue. Wow. What a fitting title.

I’m hoping that as part of the Going Rogue experience, Sarah will tell us what it was like to be a beauty queen. Perhaps she can enlighten us on what it is like to be an elitist. I bet she talks about what it was like to ruin one man’s bid for the presidency, and what it’s like to quit your job and leave a bunch of unfinished business. Or maybe she can regale us with stories about what it’s like to be a “hockey mom,” which for those of you that don’t know, is just like a soccer mom except 50 times more lame. But what I am really, REALLY hoping she talks about is what it is like to spit out lots of babies, have a cavernous vagina, and what it was like to fake an entire pregnancy in order to protect her busty daughter that can’t seem to keep her legs closed (truth be told, with boobies like that, I’d let ’em line up too).

I wonder when I can get in line to buy what is sure to be the most compelling piece of literature of any century ever? Is it too soon to get in line now? I wonder if she’ll do a book signing tour? If she does, I’m going to have her sign my balls.

As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?
–Sarah Palin



The Cause

Posted: September 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

So as many of you may know, I am, shall we say, sympathetic to the cause of marijuana reform. I believe that it is a good idea to stop the prohibition and all that good stuff, but we won’t get into that (see previous posts).

The other day I was skulking around the Internet, read an article on the subject, and decided to check out the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) website and see what I could see. Throughout the course of this clicking and reading, I came across my local chapter I was a bit disappointed to see the effort they had put into the site, but I was severely disappointed to see that it looked like a 12-year old had written the copy for the site.

Considering that I am all for what they are peddling, I thought it would be a good idea to send them an email and let them know that…well, why spoil the fun…read and enjoy (by the way, I never received a response. Either they were offended or just too high to get back to me)….


In order to be taken seriously as an organization (and believe me, I want you to), you really have to put your message out in a, for lack of a better word, professional manner. The demographic that you need to sway the most are educated individuals that appreciate proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar. You’ve already got the less-than-educated demographic (not to stereotype, but we all know it’s true), but it’s the ones with jobs and financial resources that will help you out the most. You need not only a quantity of supporters, you need quality.

Someone should really take a look at the copy throughout the site. For example, it is “gets,” not “get’s.” And “we” doesn’t need to be capitalized unless it is either, A. At the beginning of a sentence or, B. It is a proper noun, like the name of a band or person. A small investment in an experienced copywriter can not only help to smooth out these issues, but may also help to draw in the audience with copy that is a bit more persuasive and a little less fear-inducing. You can easily persuade your audience through the facts and fear is not necessary; the case for legalization of marijuana is compelling in and of itself. By concentrating on the fear aspect, you are really just pushing propaganda (much like the Bush administration).

Just thought you would like a perspective from a concerned citizen sympathetic to the cause.


Even if one takes every reefer madness allegation of the prohibitionists at face value, marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could.

–William F. Buckley, Jr.



Posted: September 11, 2009 in Uncategorized

Idiots and lunatics see only their own wit
–Francois de la Rochefoucauld


Stand up

Posted: September 10, 2009 in Uncategorized

There comes a time in one’s life when one must stand up for what he or she believes in. Sometimes digging your toes in the sand is hard, and sometimes it can have repercussions. But, if it is something you feel passionately about, if it is something you truly believe in, such repercussions are expected, and more often than not, welcome.

Today I stood up to a bully. Today I stood up to hate and intolerance and ignorance. Today I said “enough” and pushed back. Today I used the power of my words to combat what I found to be gregarious and outlandish idiocy. Today I alienated myself from family. And today, I could not feel better about it.

By now, I am quite sure you have realized that you brought a knife to a gunfight. You probably didn’t expect me to fight back. You probably expected me to fall in line like the rest of the sheep; to fall in line with your beliefs; to agree with the values that I was not raised with; to agree with your hollow view of what is right and wrong. You assumed that just because I have the same last name, because I come from the same bloodline, that I would subscribe to your petty notions of hatred. Look who’s the ass now–you, not me. You’ve forced your thoughts, your views, your opinions down our throats for way too long.


I struck the match and set the bridge alight. Burn baby, burn.

If you want to get into a battle of wits, you better come armed.


Bitch session

Posted: September 8, 2009 in Uncategorized

More things that are bothering me on this Tuesday (Monday) morning….

  • The Beatles suck. Seriously. They suck. How can you make an entire video game that revolves around such awesome lyrics as “Love, love me do” and “I wanna hold your haaaaand.”
  • The Kansas City Chiefs suck as well. Why you ask? Do you mean besides the fact that they do indeed suck? Well, here’s why…because they are playing at noon this Sunday, the competing station (Fox) has decided to go with a sucky alternative, such as the Vikings vs. the Browns. Really? I mean, I guess if your goal is to have absolutely nobody watch your station from 12-3 on Sunday, then you are making the wise move. Jackasses. And fuck you Chiefs for having the noon game.
  • Jon Gosselin, know this: NOBODY FUCKING CARES. What you need is to stop being such a public douchebag and concentrate on getting some Rogaine or something. Or shave that shit off.
  • I’m sorely disappointed that Sam Bradford doesn’t need surgery.
  • How many people can get together and do the Thriller dance? I know he’s dead and all, and I know you all want to dress up like zombies and do the dance of the dead, but it’s getting old. Isn’t it time for you people to go to the Renaissance Fair or something?
  • Speaking of the Renaissance Fair, it is indeed that time of the year again. It’s that time where geeks and dorks and every other segment of the population that can’t get laid gets together, stops showering, and pretends that it is days of yore, all while playing with their Sidekicks. I wonder if the participation has gone down since World of Warcraft became so popular? For those that do attend, maybe they could dress up like dead knights and wenches and whatever else they can think of and do the Thriller dance at the Renaissance Fair.
  • Finally, people…I don’t like seafood. I know I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I hate it. It stinks. It tastes gross. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to try it. I don’t care if you think it tastes like chicken. Hell, I don’t care if it tastes like vagina, I AM NOT GOING TO EAT IT. Jesus H. Christ. Take the hint.

–The Paddle


Speedy Gonzales

Posted: September 8, 2009 in Uncategorized

Is it Jeff Gordon, or your grandmother? You be the judge…

I think it’s funny that the story mentions a psychological evaluation. I personally don’t think that’s necessary. I say just give her a fire proof suit, drop her off at the nearest track, and wish her luck. I guess we should rethink what it means to “drive like a grandma.”

I drive fastly call me Jeff Gordon, in the black SS with the navigation.


Perhaps some Kleenex are in order

Posted: September 8, 2009 in Uncategorized

Okay folks…seriously here. I don’t even really know where to begin, so I’ll just jump in.

What is the big fucking deal about Obama giving a speech to children? Seriously? Are you just looking for reasons to not like him? Are you just looking for reasons to bitch? Are you just looking for reasons to act racist without seeming racist? I think it is probably all of the above. The man, the leader of our country and, as some would argue, the leader of the free world, has two school-aged children. He is a doting father first, politician second. So, because of this, it is understandable that he would enjoy giving a pep talk to our nation’s youth. If you were in the same position, wouldn’t you?

Sometimes people in politics aren’t always out to push a political agenda. I know it is hard to believe but it is true. This is, my friends, one of those instances. And while I will admit that he is pushing an agenda, I can assure you it is not a political one, especially health care. But let’s say for one second he was. If your child wanted to talk to you about health care reform, or your grandchild, would you yell at your child too, just like you yell at everyone else to try and make your point? I digress…

This is a man that is concerned with the educational gaps that are present in our country. Not just among the classes of course, but among countries. Do you really want China to take over the world because you were too paranoid to let your child hear a simple pep talk from the president? I know that seems a bit fatalistic, but it could happen. Educationally our nation is struggling, and considering how kids are impressionable, and further considering the obstacles that Obama had to overcome to get where he is today, it is only natural for this leader of men to reach out to the men and women of tomorrow and attempt to burn a lasting message into their brains.

Just for the record, and so you are no longer ignorant, consider this–two Republican presidents have done this in the past: Reagan and Bush I. I’m sure Clinton would’ve done it too but he was too busy playing hide the cigar with chubby girls, and I’m sure Bush II would’ve done it as well but he was too busy invading countries and looking for phantom weapons. So this is not a matter of partisan policy pushing. Oh no. It is a matter of a father reaching out to children and being exactly that, a father.

Get your head out of your ass and concentrate your moaning and groaning on more important things, perhaps like where you are going to retire, or which country club to sign up for. And, finally, remember this: It’s not about who yells the loudest, it’s about who listens to your whispers.

To hear complaints is tiresome to the miserable and the happy.
–Samuel Johnson