Are they that smart?

Posted: August 10, 2009 in Uncategorized

As a consequence of owning three dogs, and subsequently three dogs that drop deuces outside, I have an abundance of flies buzzing around my backyard. These flies, like all flies, like to weasel their ways into my house and serve as a general annoyance in my life. And, as you all know, I smoke, and since I smoke outside, I get double the annoyance.

Because of this problem, I decided to get a flyswatter and keep it around my smoking lounge. While I am quite skilled with using my hands to kill flies, it can be quite messy and my hands get dry from all the hand washing. The first couple of times I had the flyswatter out with me, I was quite successful. But, over time, I have noticed that, no matter how many flies are doing fly-bys on my head (and legs and hands and feet and arms), as soon as I pick up the flyswatter, they magically disappear.

Today, I had a chance to catch up with one of the flies that routinely annoys me. We cover a wide range of topics, including flyswatter avoidance.

Me: Why is it that you always have to land on me while I’m outside?

Fly: You smell good

Me: I smell good? What do I smell like?

Fly: Good.

Me: Define good.

Fly: Good.

Me: It has been said that smoke helps to keep flies away. If that’s the case, why are you always buzzing around while I’m grilling?

Fly: Beef.

Me: What if I’m cooking chicken?

Fly: Beef.

Me: I have a flyswatter that I sometimes carry around outside. I notice that you and your friends leave me alone when I’m carrying my flyswatter. Why is that?

Fly: You kill me.

Me: You know I’m going to try and kill you when I’m carrying my flyswatter?

Fly: Yes.

Me: How do you know that?

Fly: You kill my brother.

Me: I killed your brother?

Fly: Yes.

Me: So because of this, you think I might try to kill you with my flyswatter?

Fly: Ye-[SMACK]

I guess they aren’t as smart as I thought they were.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies.

–Kermit the Frog



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