Archive for July, 2009

Word to the wise

Posted: July 29, 2009 in Uncategorized

Last weekend I bought some fresh blueberries from the store. They were on sale and frankly blueberries are quite tasty. I enjoy a good blueberry almost as much as I enjoy a good banana, so last night I decided to chow down on the blueberries like it was my last meal. Big mistake.

In case you didn’t know, blueberries are not only tasty, they are quite fibrous. I, however, did not know this. So I ate my blueberries with shear abandon last night, just enjoying the flavor and the way they get stuck in the crevices of my teeth. But oday, and after several trips to the bathroom this morning, I now understand that eating a whole mess of blueberries is a bad idea, unless you want to shit your brains out like you just ate a box of Ex-Lax.

If there is a silver lining it is this: at least my dung smells like blueberries.

Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.
–Eddie Murphy

jbr

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Ribbit

Posted: July 21, 2009 in Uncategorized

I love coming across random, strange stories. This one I think takes the cake:

http://www.kltv.com/global/story.asp?s=10758038

Check out the picture of the frog. Now, this might not be that funny, but this quote is what sealed it as being wacky (as if having a frog in your veggies isn’t enough). Apparently this is from a member of the public health district:

“When you’re washing field vegetables, you’re going to get certain little pieces and parts, but we certainly don’t want something so large you can identify what it is.”

Piece and parts of what? Frogs? Are you serious? Pieces and parts of live animals are okay in your frozen veggies, so long as it isn’t enough to identify? That seems a bit fishy to me. Or shall I say, froggy.

The lady that found the bonus in her peas summed it up perfectly, “They didn’t even give me the frog legs with it.” Amen to that, sista.

It’s not easy being green.
–Kermit the Frog

jbr

Goodbye, old friend

Posted: July 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

Yesterday, I lost one of my closest friends. Him and I had been very close over the last couple of years, and while I am devastated that he is out of my life, I will admit that his death had been expected. Nevertheless, I wanted to give my buddy one final shout out.

Ray-Ban sunglasses, you and I went through a lot over the last three years. Despite your scratches, and despite the fact that I sat on you that one time, you continued to keep my eyes safe from harmful UV rays, while ensuring that I always looked stylish. You’ve seen the world with me and stuck by my side through thick and thin. You forgave me for the time I left you in Arkansas and had to have you shipped home. Remember that? I knew you were so scared to be trapped in that box for a couple of days, but you pulled through it and earned my respect because of it.

I’m going to miss you, Ray-Ban. I know, I know, I can get another pair, but they will never be as good as you. It has been said that your first is always the one you remember the most, and Ray-Ban, I will always remember you and cherish my moments with you the most. Thanks for being such a good friend. Thanks for conforming to my face so splendidly. But most of all, thanks for keeping the sun out of my eyes. It takes a special friend to do that and you, Ray-Ban, were indeed a special friend. Next time I crack open a cold one after a long day in the sun, I’ll be sure to tip one out to you, homey.

I’m sorry, I have to go regain my composure.

My sunglasses are like my guitar.
–Patti Smith

jbr