As the saying goes…

Posted: June 24, 2009 in Uncategorized

Let me see if I can say this in the nicest way possible: Good God almighty it is fucking hot. I feel like I’m back home with this shit, and I’ve had to carry around a towel because my skin is melting (okay, that’s not my skin, it’s my sweat; I sweat like a fat kid. Thanks dad). When it gets this hot outside, or bone-chillingly cold, it causes people to say stupid things. Stupid, pointless things that make me clinch up my ass so as to not take a dump on their heads. In honor of this, I thought I would take a moment to share some of my favorite sayings, with commentary of course.

  • Hot enough for ya–No, it is not hot enough. In fact, I wish you would wrap me in a wool blanket and shower me with the warm air of a blow dryer.
  • Cold enough for ya–See above
  • Monkey on your back–I don’t get this one. When is having a monkey on your back a bad idea? Unless it is that chimp that ate that dude’s wiener and sack. I don’t think I’d want him on my back. Otherwise, I think have a monkey on one’s back would be delightful.
  • Turn that frown upside down–Fuck off.
  • Penny for your thoughts–Thanks for devaluing my thoughts. Who carries pennies around these days? Personally I like to flick them out my car at a high rate of speed when someone is on my ass like white on rice.
  • White on rice–Isn’t white the total absence of color? So how does something that doesn’t exist affix itself to something that does exist?
  • Every dog has his day–In my house, all my dogs have their day, everyday.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away–This is a crock of shit. I eat several apples a day and I still have to go to the doctor.
  • In terms of–I think this is 2009’s ‘like.’ Everything is not in terms of something else. Everything is not interconnected. It is physically impossible for this to be true. When you say it every once in a while, you sound brilliant. When you say it 23 times in half an hour, you sound short bus.
  • A coon’s age–I can’t tell if this is racist or just stupid.
  • It is what it is–This is by far the most annoying of all the little phrases and sayings. What exactly is IT? I surmise that if you knew what IT really was, you wouldn’t resort to such a stupid statement. It isn’t profound, or deep; it’s idiotic. It’s even more idiotic when you use it ad nauseam and describe every fallacy in your life with this moronic collection of words.

For the record folks I am trying to find my literary groove again. I seem to have lost a bit of my verbal and written mojo as of late, and I assure you I am working dilligently to find it. I put up posters across town and an ad in the paper, so if you see my mojo, drop me a line.

Who that man in the black sedan with two cheap hookers and a Mexi-can?
–Mickey Ave.

jbr

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