You almost had me

Posted: May 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

Over the last several weeks I have had dreams about Twitter. I don’t know how they have pried themselves into my subconscious, but they have. I don’t have specific details about these dreams, but when I awake I feel a mild compulsion to start “tweeting” (or twittering, depending on who you talk to).

So today, I gave into my dreams and decided to scope out Twitter a bit more. Admittedly this was probably due more to the sweet and chewy haze that surrounds me due to my constant ingestion of RKT, and less to do with my dreams, but that is beside the point. Considering I am fairly tech-savvy, I decided to sniff around a bit before I signed up.

Let me get straight to the point here (after all, that IS why you are here after, isn’t it?). What a colossal waste of fucking time. Seriously. I can think of at least 63 more worthwhile activities than Twitter, including pulling stuck dog shit out of my dog’s ass with a paper ctowel (this does happen my friends). If I wanted to send a text to a bunch of people, I would make a bunch of friends to send out mass texts to. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, here’s a tip: We don’t like your mass text messages. We all think you are an idiot and every time you send one we contemplate removing you from our address book. You aren’t twelve. And by ‘we’ I mean everyone.

Back on point…Twitter, to me, seems like mass text messaging…or am I missing the point? What’s more is that people can respond to your “updates.” Really? Why is that? Why do I need, or for that matter, want, to have a conversation with a friend that is permanently in the public domain? If we started talking about vagina, would my mom really want to read that? Would your mom? Also, it seems like it is a bit like the scourge that is Facebook, only less Facebookey. Finally, it would appear that Twitter is another excuse for people to butcher the English language and use the dreaded shorthand. Here’s a tip: it’s ‘be’ not ‘b.’ Is it that hard to type one extra letter? If it is, I say we revoke your texting privileges. And again, by ‘we’ I mean everyone. And ‘tho’ makes you sound like a leotard. I like to abbreviate inappropriate words. I fnd that it ofen confs the peple rding my mesgs.

To play devil’s advocate here, I can see some value in this service for celebrities, and for the psychos that stalk them. No need to go follow Scarlett Johansen around; just log on and read about which direction she wiped at some posh L.A. restaurant. And, of course, who wants to miss a drunken celebrity tweeting at 3:34 a.m. There is something very amusing about someone chewing on the sole of his or her feet.

I guess the end result is that I will join Twitter when I become famous. By that time I’ll need another outlet for my ego, or a place to tell my fans something like, “I jst banged 2 hookers @ da Motel 6. Talk about some stank!” Until then, I will just have to stick to writing out full, well thought out sentences and paragraphs. And let’s be honest with ourselves, does anyone really want to read my angst-ridden ‘fuck you world’ anymore than necessary?

When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.
–Mark Twain



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