Constipation

Posted: May 13, 2009 in Uncategorized

I seem to be creatively constipated as of late, and beyond the fact that I am bud-free, I’m not sure why. And today, after losing power at about 2:30 am and losing the soft, soothing sounds of my multiple fans, I am not only stopped up mentally, I’m crabby to boot. So until I get some laxative for my mind, and in an effort to not render myself useless in the eyes of the world, some random thoughts…

  • I think they should call cranberry-apple juice “crapple”; it’s much catchier
  • I wonder if dogs got pleasure out of licking their genitals if they would be so free and easy about it
  • With all the shootings in the Midwest, I think we should call it the Wild, Wild West
  • Today I remember why I try to leave the house by 6:30 am…7 am is the witching hour for morons on the road
  • I’m going to grow a mullet and adorn it with beads
  • I feel like Cougar from Top Gun this morning…I’ve lost my edge
  • I need a drink (or a bong hit…where’s Michael Phelps when you need him)
  • Sometimes it is tough being smarter than everyone else
  • I’ve realized why gay folks are so adament on wanting to get married: without the yin (marriage), they cannot have the yang (divorce)
  • I don’t like Cheetos and every time I see those creepily disturbing commercials I vomit a little
  • Is it a prerequiste to discount all rules of grammar when making a local television commercial?
  • Listen up fellas (last one I promise): It is okay to flush the urinal when you are done. It is bad enough that we have to deal with backsplash, the rest of us don’t need your whiz mixed with ours. I suspect that these men are the same ones that don’t get laid, or have miserable wives, or are pedophiles.
  • Okay, I lied, one more: Monkeys

I’m hoping I will have plenty of fodder in the near future as I am about to spend four weeks cruising the 9th circle of hell (Arkansas). If, and just if, I could combine this adventure with a little bit of ganj, surely I will be able to express thoughts that will induce a good chuckle. Until then, I will continue to float around the clouds in search of something funny, or at the very least, something substantial, to write about.

Wanna get high?
–Towelie

jbr

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