I was gonna do it

Posted: April 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

I know, I know, three posts in one day. Let’s just say I have a lot of time on my hands on this Thursday afternoon. “Idle hands are the devil’s…” something or another. I just like to hear myself talk. Sue me.

I was looking at ways to spice up my blog and I came across a new tab called “Monetize.” Sounds fancy, huh? Being that I am so brutally intelligent, I figured out that “monetize” meant, “make money with your blog.” I could see the dollar signs right before my eyes and hear the “cha-ching” of cash registers. I thought it was my excitement over this prospect; turns out it was just an acid flashback, but I digress.

So “monetizing” is, in a nutshell, allowing Google to place ads on your blog for people to click. People click, you get cheese; pretty simple. As I continued to explore this possibility (again, time on my hands), I saw a link that advised me to check out the eligibility criteria. While I don’t normally let the Interweb boss me around like that, I decided to give it a further looksie.

On the next page I was magically taken to by the Interweb, there was yet another link telling me to read their policies. *Sigh* Bossy little fucker, aren’t we? I put my ego aside and decided to, yet again, do as the Interweb told me to do (do you ever feel like a sheep?). Upon arrival, the “policies” page gave me a list of disqualifiers for “monetizing.” Even better, it gave me said list in bulleted form (I love lists as you well know). Let’s check them out shall we?

From the Google website:

  • Violent content, racial intolerance, or advocacy against any individual, group, or organization Hmmm…does my dislike of cajuns count in this regard? I think it might, so I think I might already be disqualified. But let’s pretend that it doesn’t and move on.
  • Pornography, adult, or mature content Again, so ambiguous. Be a little more specific here. Some of my content is decidedly adult, or “mature,” if you will. I also talk about porn from time to time (or in some cases make up movie reviews). I’ll assume they are talking about pictures of boobies and vag and we can move on.
  • Hacking/cracking content Crack is whack. Next.
  • Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia Talking about them or doing them? I’ve done my fair share over the years. I think. I can’t remember. What were we doing? Oh yeah that. Next.
  • Excessive profanity Annnnndddddd here’s the kicker. What fucking bullshit is that? Excessive profanity? Everybody cusses. Seems to me that you are missing out on a very large segment of the human species. You can kiss my ass and gobble my cock for all I care. I don’t want your greasy, dirty fucking money anyway. And to think I was going to pimp my blog out like some cheap Vietnamese hooker! Blow me, shitface.

The rest of the list was pretty innocuous, considering I don’t have anything to do with gambling or casinos or prescription drugs. However, disqualified is disqualified. I guess I’ll have to find another way to make some side cash. Maybe I could start Twittering like all of those other dumbfucks that don’t have the time, the brains, or the desire to put full, intelligble thoughts together in strings of sentences and paragraphs. Oh, and by the way, you can visit my Twitter page at…just kidding.

Living in an age of advertisement, we are perpetually disillusioned
–J.B. Priestley



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