I have some ideas

Posted: April 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

Unless you live in cave, you know that yesterday was tax day, the unofficial holiday of the American government celebrating yet another year cashing in the IOU from the taxpayer (or vice versa). Being that yesterday was a slow day, minus the pirates (argh!) of course, media outlets everywhere decided to cover a phenonmenon known as the “teabag party.” When I first heard this, I had to do a double-take. Considering that I am so far removed from high school, and considering that I have been living in the world of gutters and potty mouths for so long, my first instinct was to think, “Now why would anyone have a party for teabagging? Seems like you could do that one-on-one in your own home.”

For those of you not in the know (sorry, Mom), to teabag, according to the Wikitionary, is as follows:

to teabag (third-person singular simple present teabags, present participle teabagging, simple past and past participle teabagged)

1. (transitive, slang) To lower one’s testicles into the mouth of another person, or onto the face or head of another person.

Now, understanding the definition above, one can understand my confusion. I thought people were getting together, stripping down, and slapping each other in the face with balls. Hairy balls. Sweaty balls. Singular ball. Old balls. Young balls. Basically any set of testicles you could think of. Thankfully though, after hearing the story (and after cleaning up my vomit), I learned that the “teabag party” they were talking about was not about playing peek-a-boo with a ballsack, but rather something else just as funny.

It would appear that every tax year, the ultra-righties decide to get together and protest having to pay taxes, in the spirit of the Boston Tea Party (notice that it does not say the Boston TeaBAG party). “Teabaggers,” (snicker) as they are known, attempt to work everyone up into a frenzy about having to do something that everyone, everywhere has to do: pay taxes.

Now, beyond having a name that is ripe for the parody (I was going to post a picture but my mother reads this for fuck’s sake), teabaggers (snicker) feel that it is unfair that they have to pay taxes; taxes that are used to fund some of the most basic of necessities. I wondered for a spell why I haven’t heard of teabaggers (snicker) before this year, except when someone talks about a homosexual club, or the latest porn starring Ron Jeremy, then it occurred to me: Obama.

The ultra-righties, or teabaggers (snicker) as we will now call them, had enjoyed eight years of tax-cutting, no-spending (except for the Unwinnable War), conservatively paranoid Nazism prior to this year. But, now that rug has been unceremoniously ripped from under their feet and now they need to find something to moan and groan about. Never mind the fact that our country is starting to come out of the recession. Never mind the fact that our troops are starting to come home. Never mind the fact that the rest of the world is quelling their feelings of dread about our foreign policy. Never mind all of those things, instead, focus on not paying taxes, and fight yet another unwinnable war.

I say that if the teabaggers (snicker) don’t want to pay taxes, we shouldn’t make them. Now, now, before you get all up in arms about this, I have some ideas. In exchange for not paying taxes, the teabaggers (snicker) can no longer enjoy the following “privileges” of living in the United States:

  • If you have children, pull them out of school. From now on you have to home-school them as your taxes helps pay for public school.
  • If you get injured, do not call 911. If you get robbed, do not call 911. Taxpayer dollars fund these programs and help pay for EMTs and police officers.
  • Don’t drive on the highway, or any other road for that matter. Tax dollars help pay for the creation and maintenance of new roads. If you aren’t paying taxes, I don’t want you mooching off me.
  • Pay for all your medical care upfront. This means if you are uninsured and go to the hospital, they will have to kick you out. Taxes help pay for hospital visits for the uninsured.
  • You can’t go enjoy any professional sporting events because it is likely my tax dollars helped pay for that seat you are trying to sit in, and that bathroom you will most likely want to use.
  • Build an outhouse because the pipes and sewers that are used to transfer your waste are funded by tax dollars.
  • While we’re at it, don’t use your shower, sink, or any other water emitting device in your house. Better stock up on that bottled water because unless you pay the taxman for those services, they are now off-limits to you.
  • Make your own landfill. Where do you think your trash goes? Mexico? Nope, it goes to a landfill that was, guess what, created with tax dollars.
  • Last, but certainly not least, food. If you don’t want to pay taxes, then buying food could be an issue. And cigarettes. And alcohol. And diapers. And clothes. And porn. And a car. And a house. Oh, and that war you’ve been wanting to fight, and those countries you’ve been wanting to invade? Tax dollars.

So you see teabaggers (snicker), your cause holds little to no weight in my eyes. While I agree that sometimes we are taxed too much, it is part of being an American. Taxation is an ebb and flow based on the needs of the collective; of the American people. The things that you and I want, the things that you and I use, are all paid for with tax dollars. Nobody should get to pick and choose what they do or don’t get taxed for, unless they plan on giving it up for good.

Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.

–Franklin D. Roosevelt



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