Archive for April, 2009

Dear Employer

Posted: April 28, 2009 in Uncategorized

Dear my loving employer,

As you know, we are all anxious for summer to set in here in the Midwest. I am sure that you, my wise and financially beneficial employer, are anxious for the same. However, as anxious as we all are, it is 43 degrees this morning. With that in mind, it is okay to turn off the AC in the building. My nipples will surely thank you.


Your dutiful employee

P.S.–We need more donuts. And none of that gas station, day-old shit…fresh Krispy Kremes. And chocolate milk.

Excuse me sir, would you like to buy some rubber nipples?




Posted: April 27, 2009 in Uncategorized

Over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed a scheduling trend here at work. I don’t think most people would notice this trend but, due to my mild OCD, I can’t help but draw attention to it.

For those of you out of the know, I work in an office; just a normal office. There is a variety of other people that work here: old and young; black and white; tall and short. And like all offices with a variety of people, there are restrooms. Our restrooms have the standard urinals, but with the nice divider between the urinals (thank you!). At this point, you may be asking why am I telling you this? Here’s why…

For the past two weeks, I seem to be on the same pee schedule as someone else that I work with. Nice guy; older. Beyond the fact that it is strange that you can get on such a schedule with someone with no pre-arrangements, there isn’t really anything wrong with this set up, with the exception of one thing: He’s a pee-talker.

What is a pee-talker, you might ask? Well, for guys, a pee talker is someone that sidles up into the stall next to you and proceeds to have a conversation with you while you are trying to drain the main vein. I, as you can probably guess, am not a pee-talker. Going to take a leak is not social hour for me, nor is going to drop off a dinky load for that matter. Going to the restroom is a thing of necessity, nothing more.

How does one broach the subject of not pee-talking? Do you wait until you both exit the restroom and then say, “Hey man, I appreciate what you are saying, but I like to pee in peace.” Or do you call it out right in the middle, “Look, I’m trying to evacuate my system of unnecessary fluids, can we talk about this later?” I’m perplexed on how to bring it up, but I can’t let this continue to happen if me and this dude are going to be pee-pals. I wonder if this is how parents feel talking to their kids about drugs?

Come on in please, I’m trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a duke in the urinal!
–Mr. Mackey


Four Twenty

Posted: April 20, 2009 in Uncategorized

In honor of the day, I thought I would repost a song that I composed to a song that I know. While imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, this should not be flattering to The Beatles, considering that I hate The Beatles and find them wildly overrated…but I digress.

You know the drill…pull up the song, come back, and sing along.

Ode to Bumming From Your Friends

What would you do if I rolled up a doob
Would you sit down and smoke it with me
Give me some weed and I’ll break out the bong
And we’ll spark it up and smoke some weed

Oh I’ll get high with a little help from my friends
Mm I’ll get fried with a little help from my friends
Oh gonna fly with a little help from my friends

What do I do when I’m all out of smoke
Does it not suck to be so unhigh
How do I feel when I’m scrapin the bowl
Are you sad because you can’t get kind?

No I’ll get high with a little help from my friends
Mm I’ll get fried with a little help with my friends
Mm gonna fly with a little help from my friends

Do you need any chronic
I need some sticky fresh bud
Could it be really chronic
I want some sticky fresh bud
Would you believe that I have lots of ganj
Yes, I was certain you would bring me a lot
What will we do if we can’t smoke it all
I’m not sure, but we can mix brownies with pot

Oh I’ll get high with a little help from my friends
Mm I’ll get fried with a little help from my friends
Oh gonna fly with a little help from my friends

Do you need any chronicI just need some sticky fresh bud
Could it be really chronicI want some sticky fresh bud
Oh I’ll get high with a little help from my friends
Mm I’ll get fried with a little help from my friends
Oh gonna fly with a little help from my friends
Yes I’ll get high with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friiiiieeeennnndssss

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural
–Bill Hicks


I was gonna do it

Posted: April 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

I know, I know, three posts in one day. Let’s just say I have a lot of time on my hands on this Thursday afternoon. “Idle hands are the devil’s…” something or another. I just like to hear myself talk. Sue me.

I was looking at ways to spice up my blog and I came across a new tab called “Monetize.” Sounds fancy, huh? Being that I am so brutally intelligent, I figured out that “monetize” meant, “make money with your blog.” I could see the dollar signs right before my eyes and hear the “cha-ching” of cash registers. I thought it was my excitement over this prospect; turns out it was just an acid flashback, but I digress.

So “monetizing” is, in a nutshell, allowing Google to place ads on your blog for people to click. People click, you get cheese; pretty simple. As I continued to explore this possibility (again, time on my hands), I saw a link that advised me to check out the eligibility criteria. While I don’t normally let the Interweb boss me around like that, I decided to give it a further looksie.

On the next page I was magically taken to by the Interweb, there was yet another link telling me to read their policies. *Sigh* Bossy little fucker, aren’t we? I put my ego aside and decided to, yet again, do as the Interweb told me to do (do you ever feel like a sheep?). Upon arrival, the “policies” page gave me a list of disqualifiers for “monetizing.” Even better, it gave me said list in bulleted form (I love lists as you well know). Let’s check them out shall we?

From the Google website:

  • Violent content, racial intolerance, or advocacy against any individual, group, or organization Hmmm…does my dislike of cajuns count in this regard? I think it might, so I think I might already be disqualified. But let’s pretend that it doesn’t and move on.
  • Pornography, adult, or mature content Again, so ambiguous. Be a little more specific here. Some of my content is decidedly adult, or “mature,” if you will. I also talk about porn from time to time (or in some cases make up movie reviews). I’ll assume they are talking about pictures of boobies and vag and we can move on.
  • Hacking/cracking content Crack is whack. Next.
  • Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia Talking about them or doing them? I’ve done my fair share over the years. I think. I can’t remember. What were we doing? Oh yeah that. Next.
  • Excessive profanity Annnnndddddd here’s the kicker. What fucking bullshit is that? Excessive profanity? Everybody cusses. Seems to me that you are missing out on a very large segment of the human species. You can kiss my ass and gobble my cock for all I care. I don’t want your greasy, dirty fucking money anyway. And to think I was going to pimp my blog out like some cheap Vietnamese hooker! Blow me, shitface.

The rest of the list was pretty innocuous, considering I don’t have anything to do with gambling or casinos or prescription drugs. However, disqualified is disqualified. I guess I’ll have to find another way to make some side cash. Maybe I could start Twittering like all of those other dumbfucks that don’t have the time, the brains, or the desire to put full, intelligble thoughts together in strings of sentences and paragraphs. Oh, and by the way, you can visit my Twitter page at…just kidding.

Living in an age of advertisement, we are perpetually disillusioned
–J.B. Priestley


Snakes on a plane!!!

Posted: April 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

Once again, life imitates art. Or does art imitate life? You be the judge.

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
–Samuel L. Jackson


I have some ideas

Posted: April 16, 2009 in Uncategorized

Unless you live in cave, you know that yesterday was tax day, the unofficial holiday of the American government celebrating yet another year cashing in the IOU from the taxpayer (or vice versa). Being that yesterday was a slow day, minus the pirates (argh!) of course, media outlets everywhere decided to cover a phenonmenon known as the “teabag party.” When I first heard this, I had to do a double-take. Considering that I am so far removed from high school, and considering that I have been living in the world of gutters and potty mouths for so long, my first instinct was to think, “Now why would anyone have a party for teabagging? Seems like you could do that one-on-one in your own home.”

For those of you not in the know (sorry, Mom), to teabag, according to the Wikitionary, is as follows:

to teabag (third-person singular simple present teabags, present participle teabagging, simple past and past participle teabagged)

1. (transitive, slang) To lower one’s testicles into the mouth of another person, or onto the face or head of another person.

Now, understanding the definition above, one can understand my confusion. I thought people were getting together, stripping down, and slapping each other in the face with balls. Hairy balls. Sweaty balls. Singular ball. Old balls. Young balls. Basically any set of testicles you could think of. Thankfully though, after hearing the story (and after cleaning up my vomit), I learned that the “teabag party” they were talking about was not about playing peek-a-boo with a ballsack, but rather something else just as funny.

It would appear that every tax year, the ultra-righties decide to get together and protest having to pay taxes, in the spirit of the Boston Tea Party (notice that it does not say the Boston TeaBAG party). “Teabaggers,” (snicker) as they are known, attempt to work everyone up into a frenzy about having to do something that everyone, everywhere has to do: pay taxes.

Now, beyond having a name that is ripe for the parody (I was going to post a picture but my mother reads this for fuck’s sake), teabaggers (snicker) feel that it is unfair that they have to pay taxes; taxes that are used to fund some of the most basic of necessities. I wondered for a spell why I haven’t heard of teabaggers (snicker) before this year, except when someone talks about a homosexual club, or the latest porn starring Ron Jeremy, then it occurred to me: Obama.

The ultra-righties, or teabaggers (snicker) as we will now call them, had enjoyed eight years of tax-cutting, no-spending (except for the Unwinnable War), conservatively paranoid Nazism prior to this year. But, now that rug has been unceremoniously ripped from under their feet and now they need to find something to moan and groan about. Never mind the fact that our country is starting to come out of the recession. Never mind the fact that our troops are starting to come home. Never mind the fact that the rest of the world is quelling their feelings of dread about our foreign policy. Never mind all of those things, instead, focus on not paying taxes, and fight yet another unwinnable war.

I say that if the teabaggers (snicker) don’t want to pay taxes, we shouldn’t make them. Now, now, before you get all up in arms about this, I have some ideas. In exchange for not paying taxes, the teabaggers (snicker) can no longer enjoy the following “privileges” of living in the United States:

  • If you have children, pull them out of school. From now on you have to home-school them as your taxes helps pay for public school.
  • If you get injured, do not call 911. If you get robbed, do not call 911. Taxpayer dollars fund these programs and help pay for EMTs and police officers.
  • Don’t drive on the highway, or any other road for that matter. Tax dollars help pay for the creation and maintenance of new roads. If you aren’t paying taxes, I don’t want you mooching off me.
  • Pay for all your medical care upfront. This means if you are uninsured and go to the hospital, they will have to kick you out. Taxes help pay for hospital visits for the uninsured.
  • You can’t go enjoy any professional sporting events because it is likely my tax dollars helped pay for that seat you are trying to sit in, and that bathroom you will most likely want to use.
  • Build an outhouse because the pipes and sewers that are used to transfer your waste are funded by tax dollars.
  • While we’re at it, don’t use your shower, sink, or any other water emitting device in your house. Better stock up on that bottled water because unless you pay the taxman for those services, they are now off-limits to you.
  • Make your own landfill. Where do you think your trash goes? Mexico? Nope, it goes to a landfill that was, guess what, created with tax dollars.
  • Last, but certainly not least, food. If you don’t want to pay taxes, then buying food could be an issue. And cigarettes. And alcohol. And diapers. And clothes. And porn. And a car. And a house. Oh, and that war you’ve been wanting to fight, and those countries you’ve been wanting to invade? Tax dollars.

So you see teabaggers (snicker), your cause holds little to no weight in my eyes. While I agree that sometimes we are taxed too much, it is part of being an American. Taxation is an ebb and flow based on the needs of the collective; of the American people. The things that you and I want, the things that you and I use, are all paid for with tax dollars. Nobody should get to pick and choose what they do or don’t get taxed for, unless they plan on giving it up for good.

Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.

–Franklin D. Roosevelt


…but: (be sure and check out the comments below the story. They are worth a laugh in and of themselves.)

I don’t know about you, but if I see two people getting together for a good ol’ fashioned sword fight (and not the kind that involves weiners either), I’m stepping out of the way. If I did for some inexplicable reason feel compelled to intervene, I would most likely do so with a firehose. What I don’t get about this, minus the fact that an elderly lady tried to break up a swordfight, is that not only did these guys have one sword, but TWO. How often can you say that if someone pulls a sword on you that you could pull one as well, and then have a duel? I wonder what they were fighting about. Cattle? Land? The Queen? Nudie mags? Maybe they were fighting about this dude’s hippy hair. The “Whitesnake” look went out with the 80’s buddy.

Somebody had seen Kill Bill one too many times.

Bring back dueling, I say. Drive-by sword fights.
–Tim Roth