Archive for March, 2009

Life lessons

Posted: March 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

Read this, then come back:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29892972/

Somebody’s parents failed him as a child. I reckon that the discussion relating to the birds and bees may have been missed during this dude’s upbringing. However, even if this lesson was omitted, or even just ignored, there are other lessons in life that he must have missed.

Lesson #1-Women do not have plastic in their vagina nor in their mouths. Therefore, using a vacuum cleaner to simulate the sexual experience seems a bit off-base.

Lesson #2-It’s called a “blow” job. While this can be slightly misleading as there is some sucking going on, I have never experienced industrial strength sucking. I enjoy having skin on my penis, so I think I might skip the vacuum cleaner.

Lesson #3-People can see you. You know, if one wants to experiment with a vacuum cleaner in one’s own home, then that is one’s own business. Besides my recommendation of a good lubricant (in this case, Crisco), I also recommend discretion. This is not, nor will it ever be, socially acceptable behavior.

Lesson #4-Get a hooker. There are ladies that you can pay for an actual sex act, and not just a simulated one. And, being that you are in Michigan, my guess is you could find one for about the same amount of money as that car wash vacuum cleaner.

Poor guy. I, in some way, feel sorry for him. On the other hand, I can’t help but think that he’s missing a few quarters in that roll and that makes me laugh (and gives me fodder of course). My only hope through all of this is that he was at least circumsized. Foreskin anyone?

Find your penis! Find your penis for a dollar! Find your penis!
–Stewie Griffin

jbr

Advertisements


It has been almost two months since you have been relieved of your duties as Public Fear Mongerer #1, and yet, you won’t go away. Mr. Cheney, when are you going to understand that you don’t work for us anymore? Perhaps the ultra-conservatives in this country still care what you say and think, but the rest of us do not.

In my opinion, the Pope could’ve been elected into office and you would still be spewing your agenda of fear upon the American people. With the economy in the tank and millions of people losing jobs and homes, don’t you think we all have something better to be scared of? Your antiquated and fear-based notions about how the world really works makes me nauseous.

I think all of us can agree that we learned our lessons from September 11th. I think we can also all agree that we learned how to not invade a country, thanks to you buddy. Your administration did nothing for the American people, unless of course you want to count the hand your brilliance had in the current economic situation and the fact that our name is shit on the world stage. You invaded a country based on fear, with no proof and no leg to stand on. Go away. Take your fear somewhere else. We don’t need you to spin the justification for invading Iraq. We don’t need you to spin the justification for spreading our military so thin that we can’t afford to take care of business where it really needs to be taken care of. We don’t need you to remind us that there are terrorists. And, thanks to you, they REALLY don’t like us these days.

You are a bad, bad man Dickhead Cheney. Pack up your dog and pony show, get on a barge, and float it out to the middle of the Pacific.

There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction.
–Dick Cheney

jbr

Go away already!

Posted: March 12, 2009 in Uncategorized

Today is March 12. Today, when I woke up, it was 12 degrees. And today, when I stepped outside for a morning smoke and it was 12 degrees, it pissed me off. Like, really pissed me off. You know, the kind of angry that causes people to smash chairs on the heads of KKK members on an episode of Geraldo.

I have written in the past about my love affair with Winter. And while it is true that I do enjoy the seasonal changes, enough is enough. Winter, why won’t you go away already? We don’t like you anymore. We don’t want you here. Let your buddy Spring take your place and shower us with sunshine and green grass. I’m tired of wearing winter clothes. I’m tired of wearing shoes. And I’m tired of covering up my guns. I’ve been working out all winter and it is high time to take the people around me to the gun show.

You might be asking, “JBR, why don’t you just move back to Texas?” And I would tell you mind your own fucking business. I don’t want to move back to Texas. I like it here. I like Winter in doses, but certainly not when it gets warm, then cold, then warm, then cold again. And now, with the time change starting so early, it just fucks with my head. So, an easy solution to the problem would be this: Winter, pack up your bags. Give us a kiss on the cheek. Say your goodbyes. And get on the fucking road. Sayonara. Adios. See you later alligator (after while crocodile).

I don’t think it is too much to ask. Not to mention, if you stay much longer, Winter, nobody is going to be nice to you next year, and that will just ruin our holiday season.

I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.
–Bill Watterson

jbr

MY 25 Things (The Answers)

Posted: March 12, 2009 in Uncategorized

Thank you to everyone for playing. Unfortunately, nobody was able to guess the 11 true statements out of the 25, therefore nobody gets a cookie. It’s sad really; they are delicious cookies. Anyway, just so you know, here are my comments on my “things”:

  • I was born into a family of Gypsies and spent most of my youth traveling from city to city. By age seven I had learned how to pick-pocket and had already lost my virginity. Nobody guessed this as being true. I actually gleaned it from an episode of Criminal Minds.
  • I am able to write with both my left and right hands. False. My left hand just sits there and does nothing. Slacker.
  • The first CD I ever owned was Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” True. This CD was purchased for me by my parents when I was ill. I had a little boombox with the flip up CD player. It was pretty tits. And, for the record, the only song I liked on this CD was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.”
  • I am a sci-fi geek and can fluently speak Klingon. False. While I am a slight sci-fi geek (mainly Star Wars and the Star Trek movies), I can’t speak any foreign language. It’s like playing an musical instrument, I just can’t do it, Scotty. False.
  • My father’s name is Biff. True. Sort of a trick question though. While my father goes by ‘Biff,’ and has since a very young age, his real name is Bryan.
  • When I was in high school, I was voted “Most likely to commit suicide by age 25.” I am proud to say that, since I am in my 30s, that prophecy was unfulfilled. Now where is that razor again… False. Sadly enough, several people thought this was true. I don’t seem that antisocial, do I? Also, what high school anywhere at anytime would allow this to be something student vote on? Really people, use your gray matter.
  • I have a rare genetic “defect” that gives me the ability stare without blinking for about three hours consecutively. False. But that would be freakin’ cool. Very Clockwork Orangey.
  • My favorite cartoon growing up was “My Little Pony.” False. Again, several people thought this was true. C’mon!
  • In college, I wrote a thesis statement on what effect copious amounts of sex, as is in the case of porn stars, has on the vagina. False. Just false.
  • I often drink about a full pot of coffee all day, throughout the day. And yet, I have never had kidney problems. True. And I do not have kidney problems….yet.
  • My favorite singer is Celine Dion. False. I threw up all over my keyboard when I wrote this.
  • I secretly love to chew tobacco. True. But, again, sort of a trick question. If you know me well enough, you know it is not a secret that I love to throw some tobaccy in my mouth during sporting season.
  • Because I was supposed to be a girl, my middle name is Bernice. My parents never changed it. False. My parents are very nice people and would never subject one of their children to such torture.
  • When I die I want to be creamated and my ashes mixed in with that colored sand in one of those fancy vases. I would then like the container passed down through my family so that I may haunt them for eternity. True. Take note family members.
  • I hate all forms of cheese. False, false, FALSE! Cheese is delicioso! Except for goat cheese, that’s just nasty.
  • I used to have a pet cockroach named “Tim,” but then my cat ate him. There are two things wrong with this. First of all, cockroaches make me gag. Second, cats, in my mind, are only good for the punting. Using our Nancy Drew skills here, we can then deduce that I would never own a cockroach voluntarily, nor would I ever own a cat voluntarily.
  • I am able to type faster than I talk. False. Unless you have a speech impediment, I do not think this is possible.
  • I am terrified of ladders. True. My toes curl because I just know I am going to fall of it and become a parallelogram as karmatic payback.
  • Once, in my early 20s, I was sprayed by a skunk that I tried to help on the side of the road. False. I have a little common sense.
  • The only habit I have ever given up for good is chewing my nails. True. I think it is a worse habit than smoking. Nobody wants to touch the hand that has been jackin’ around in your filthy fucking mouth.
  • I used to watch soap operas religiously as a child. True. Days of Our Lives and Santa Barbara baby!
  • I have a tattoo of an 8-ball on my back. False. Gay.
  • I love black licorice. True. I love black licorice but I don’t like black licorice flavored products, such as Zambuca. That, my friends, is black licorice overload.
  • I collect Barbie Dolls and I have a room full of them still in their boxes. False. Creepola.
  • The most notable “Good Samaritan” thing I ever did was this: A girl I was dating had a debilitating fear of worms; any worm. One time when we were in a back yard a catepillar/bag worm had slunk down from the tree we were under and ended up in her hair. I pulled the worm out and disposed of it before she could notice. True story. Happened about six years ago and I am still proud of myself.

And bonus the bonus cookie question:

What is my biggest pet peave?
A. People who ask if they can ask me a question
B. Interrupters
C. Sentence finishers
D. Slow drivers
These are all pet peaves of mine, but the correct answer is C, sentence finishers. You aren’t psychic. You can’t predict what I am going to say. Stop trying to finish my sentences or I am going to shove a sock in your mouth and run around your head with duct tape.


She’s my cherry pie. Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise.
–Warrant

jbr

It’s a scam

Posted: March 4, 2009 in Uncategorized

On this Wednesday morning, I have decided that exercise is a scam. What kind of scam might you ask? Well, this kind of scam…

Over the last several months I have gotten myself back into good shape. Weights, running, eating healthy; the works. And, of course, to accompany my new found lifestyle I have discovered something else: pain. Lots and lots of pain. Whether it is my elbows or my knee or my back, different parts of my body seem to take turns with making me feel old.

With my irritation mounting, I got to thinking about exercise. Who encourages people to exercise the most? Doctors. Who benefits the most when you are in pain? Doctors. Putting two and two together I came to the realization that doctors encourage you to exercise so that you can hurt yourself and end up in their office. When you end up in their office you give them money. Then they write you a prescription and you give the pharmacutical companies some money. And after all is said in done, who gets bent over for your exercise: the insurance companies.

It seems to me that there is this grand collusion going on as it relates to the well-being of the human race. Doctors and pharmacutical companies want you to exercise more and more so they can get the money from the insurance companies. Not only is it sneaky, it is absolutely brilliant. I wish I would’ve thought of it first. Talk about a deluxe example of some slickery.

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
–Chauncey Depew

jbr

MY 25 Things

Posted: March 3, 2009 in Uncategorized

A cookie to anyone that can guess how many, out of 25, are actually true. Sorry family members, you are excluded from the competition. If you wish to guess, send me an email and tell me which of the following are not complete bullshit.

  1. I was born into a family of Gypsies and spent most of my youth traveling from city to city. By age seven I had learned how to pick-pocket and had already lost my virginity.
  2. I am able to write with both my left and right hands.
  3. The first CD I ever owned was Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.”
  4. I am a sci-fi geek and can fluently speak Klingon.
  5. My father’s name is Biff.
  6. When I was in high school, I was voted “Most likely to commit suicide by age 25.” I am proud to say that, since I am in my 30s, that prophecy was unfulfilled. Now where is that razor again…
  7. I have a rare genetic “defect” that gives me the ability stare without blinking for about three hours consecutively.
  8. My favorite cartoon growing up was “My Little Pony.”
  9. In college, I wrote a thesis statement on what effect copious amounts of sex, as is in the case of porn stars, has on the vagina.
  10. I often drink about a full pot of coffee all day, throughout the day. And yet, I have never had kidney problems.
  11. My favorite singer is Celine Dion.
  12. I secretly love to chew tobacco.
  13. Because I was supposed to be a girl, my middle name is Bernice. My parents never changed it.
  14. When I die I want to be creamated and my ashes mixed in with that colored sand in one of those fancy vases. I would then like the container passed down through my family so that I may haunt them for eternity.
  15. I hate all forms of cheese.
  16. I used to have a pet cockroach named “Tim,” but then my cat ate him.
  17. I am able to type faster than I talk.
  18. I am terrified of ladders.
  19. Once, in my early 20s, I was sprayed by a skunk that I tried to help on the side of the road.
  20. The only habit I have ever given up for good is chewing my nails.
  21. I used to watch soap operas religiously as a child.
  22. I have a tattoo of an 8-ball on my back.
  23. I love black licorice.
  24. I collect Barbie Dolls and I have a room full of them still in their boxes.
  25. The most notable “Good Samaritan” thing I ever did was this: A girl I was dating had a debilitating fear of worms; any worm. One time when we were in a back yard a catepillar/bag worm had slunk down from the tree we were under and ended up in her hair. I pulled the worm out and disposed of it before she could notice.

And bonus the bonus cookie question:

What is my biggest pet peave?

  1. People who ask if they can ask me a question
  2. Interrupters
  3. Sentence finishers
  4. Slow drivers

H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A, fo’ shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA.
–Jay-Z

jbr

25 Things

Posted: March 2, 2009 in Uncategorized

As everyone knows, I am not a Facebooker. I need not get into why I avoid such things, it is just my preference. Apparently, there is this Facebook thing going around where people list 25 things about themselves, or something to that effect. Sounds good in concept. It’s even better when you leave the door open to make fun of the person.

A coworker sent me the list below that was written by another coworker that we have an equal disdain for. I took it upon myself to add some retorts to her pretentiousness. Enjoy.

  1. I firmly believe that hunting can not be considered a sport unless the animals are given guns too and allowed to play some defense. Animals don’t have opposable thumbs, idiot.
  2. My college thesis was on Intellectual property rights in the digital space – this was before Limewire, iTunes, etc. Right, and I have a big black cock.
  3. I never leave the house without a book in my purse. Address book doesn’t count.
  4. Sometimes I try to be an amateur sommelier, but I’m not a wine snob. I’ll really drink about anything made with fermented grapes like a true wino; but I can tell the difference. Let’s see how you feel about wine out of a jug. Ernest & Julio Gallo in a styrofoam cup anyone?
  5. I graduated summa cum laude from the University of Nebraska – Lincoln in three and half years, with a major in Advertising and minors in communication studies, English and military history. Ha. She said cum. I’d like to see those transcripts. And just because you took a military history class, doesn’t mean you minored in it.
  6. I call my mom everyday on my way home from work. Send her our apologies.
  7. When I lived in DC, I worked for CBS News Washington Bureau, where I worked in the Capitol with Bob Schieffer and was able to cover the Bush/Gore election and write stories and collect soundbites from politicians to musicians (even Metallica). And you are a lower level employee here because…?
  8. I will not tolerate incorrect grammar. Ain’t dat the troof girl.
  9. My dream job is to do marketing and special events coordination at a winery in Northern California. My dream job is to wrap the heads of braggers in duct tape.
  10. When I was in college, I had a gig as a Barbie (as in the doll), but before you judge, I got paid $50 an hour. I did have to talk in the first person and say stuff like “I cost $26”, though. I still have a fascination with Barbie – she keeps breaking the glass ceiling and has become everything from a paleontologist to an astronaut. She ran for President in 1992 and 2000 (see item 7: she should have won). Hence your dyed blonde hair I assume.
  11. I was born in San Francisco but grew up in a cute town called Friend, Nebraska. Hippy and a farmer. That explains it.
  12. Cooking is one of my favorite activities, but I can never follow a recipe to the letter. I always have to make my own modifications to it. Look at Martha Stewart go.
  13. I was a graphic designer for several years and still occasionally do graphic design and print layout work on a freelance basis. Anybody can use PhotoShop and Publisher.
  14. My first job out of college was for the Smart Computing and Computer Power User family of magazines. My first job out of college was male escort. Beat that shit.
  15. I can type 85 words per minute…no joke. Sounds like you are building quite a resume for a career in the Administrative Assistant field.
  16. Every plant I’ve ever tried to grow I end up killing. I’ve killed house plants, basil and other herbs ,and most recently a thriving orchid. Not buying my pot from you.
  17. I bat left-handed but write right-handed. You+bat=me running away
  18. Until this past year I had never been scuba diving or skiing, and now I can hardly fathom life without these activities. I wonder if I would feel the same about golf if I would just give it a chance. Barf
  19. I still hold cross country records at my high school. O-face, and now I need a new pair of shorts
  20. I hate hugs. I hate cake. But I do love birthdays. So basically you just like presents?
  21. I spend months out of the year the wrong temperature with my hair a mess and windblown, but I simply care not. Yes, I drive a convertible. What was that you were saying about grammar, Yoda?
  22. I have never mowed a yard in my entire life. I have no plans to break that streak. Lazy.
  23. No one has ever accused me of being a morning person. Nobody cares
  24. I love everything about Kansas City from the season changes to the entertainment and lifestyle, to the people and the low cost of living. It’s just metropolitan enough to have everything without the inconveniences of a huge city. Interestingly enough, both my husband and I have professions that enable us to impact the tourism and commerce brought to Kansas City. Kansas City does not need your ass kissing.
  25. My pug Molly is my whole life. This is how animals get killed by angry spouses.

He who is humble is confident and wise. He who brags is insecure and lacking.
–Lisa Edmonson

jbr