Another Open Letter

Posted: February 21, 2009 in Uncategorized

Dear pet owners in my neighborhood,

I am writing you this letter today in hopes of finding a cure for what ails me. Before I get started, let me express my appreciation for your pet owner status. I too am a proud pet owner and treat my pets like they are my children. While I do not have any children of the two-legged variety, I firmly believe that many four-legged children are probably, in many ways, better than the two-legged type. I am hoping that this fact will drive my point home to you and we can all find a peaceful resolution to this problem.

Since I do not own a cat, and since I will never own one of those vile, disgusting creatures, we will start with them first. If you own a cat, keep the cat in your house. Please do not let your little spawn of Satan wander the streets and terrorize the neighborhood. From darting out in front of my car to making all the dogs in the neighborhood go apeshit, wandering cats are an annoyance for us all. Of course, I would probably not have a problem with your uncontrollable beast wandering the neighborhood if it stayed out of my yard. Unfortunately, it does not.

Every morning I have the pleasure of hassling with my dogs as they run around the yard smelling where your cat peed. My dogs are not very fluent in the language of the cat, so when they are attempting to read this peemail each morning, it takes longer than I care to describe. Couple this with the fact that it is so cold that my nipples could cut diamonds, and it makes for one crappy way to start the day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this invasion of my territory seems to have taken a new turn today; a turn that has left me both nauseous and irritated.

Today, I had the wonderful pleasure of cleaning up bird carcass in my backyard. Since there are no other wild animals in the neighborhood capable of scaling my fence and tearing apart a bird in the middle of my grass, I will have to assume it is your stupid orange cat. As you can imagine, a pile of feathers and various other pieces of bird in the middle of a yard tends to draw the attention of dogs. So, in addition to cleaning it up, I have had to extract pieces of bird from my dogs’ mouths. It is most unpleasant. I can only hope that the bird is not from China because I would hate to die of the bird flu.

Enough is enough. I can handle the wandering, and I can handle the peemail, but this is the last straw. Despite the fact that I am, above all else, an animal lover, I am going to go buy a pellet gun, and if I see your shitty little cat again, I’m going to put a hole in its tail.

For the rest of my neighbors, those that own dogs, know this: we don’t like to hear your dog bark ALL NIGHT LONG. Nobody in the neighborhood likes this. In fact, we despise it so much that we want to knock on your door in the middle of the night and kick you in the shins for keeping us up. Unless you live on a farm, your dog should be an indoor dog (much like cats). In case you did not know, a dog barking indoors does not bother your neighbors, but an outdoor barking dog drives us mad. And another lesson, when it is cold outside, sound travels farther. In fact, it echoes. And echoes. And echoes. And when you dog barks, guess what, all the other dogs bark. This is not a dog kennel, it’s a neighborhood.

If you are not prepared to have an indoor dog, perhaps you should not own a dog. Perhaps you should own the much quieter alpaca. The alpaca will not bark and will not send my dogs into a tissy every time I try to let them out to do their doggy business. Plus, you can harvest the alpaca fur and make elegant coats out of it. Not only will you be sparing us the drama of your annoying dog, you’ll make a little extra income in the process.

I guess what I am ultimately trying to say is that if you own a pet, treat it like a pet. While it is true that we are all fellow pet owners, we can only take so much abuse at the hands of your mistreated animals. Whether you know it or not, they are pissed off at you for leaving them outside and they are going to act out any way possible.

Thank you for you prompt attention to this matter. I am quite certain you will resolve this issue expeditiously, before you end up with a holy cat and bruised shins.

Yours truly,

A pet owner

P.S.-Stop letting your dog shit in my yard.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
–Garrison Keillor



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