Don’t try this at home

Posted: February 20, 2009 in Uncategorized

Some things in life have always made me curious. From time to time you will see something on TV and you’ll think, “Wow, I’d like to try that.” Other times people will talk about occurrences that may be thought of as ‘urban legends’ and you still think to yourself, “Wow, I’d like to try that.” Last night, this happened to me.

I was watching Family Guy (best show ever, by the way) last night and the episode where the Griffins acquire super powers via nuclear waste was on. My first thought was about a movie from the early 80s called Superfuzz. Cheesily classic film along the same lines, and I swear I am the only person that has seen it. My second thought was, as Chris is lighting Peter’s fart with his newly acquired flame-throwing power, can you really light farts on fire? I have pondered this question for quite some time but never really had to urge to try it. Until last night.

I had eaten a bowl of Stagg chili that evening (best over-the-counter chili ever) and I was feeling a little gassy. This should come as no suprise to anyone as it is common knowledge that bean products+stomach=gas (another side note, beans cause excessive gas because they contain a sugar that the body cannot break down. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.) Combine my chili-eating adventure with my rekindled curiousity about lighting a fart on fire and we have a recipe for some fun times.

I waited for a good one before I tried my experiment. I had my lighter in hand and waited patiently for the right moment to arrive. As I felt the familiar bubble of the gas making its way to the exit, I lit my lighter by my bum and giggled in nervous anticipation. As the byproduct of the beans exited my behind, I saw the flame for the lighter expand with the explusion of the gas.

For about 1.5 seconds I was excited beyond belief because the experiment worked. But after that excitement passed, I had a near instantaneous revelation. I realized that I did not take into consideration that my thumb was holding the lighter too close to the flame. As a result of this oversight, I acquired a 3rd-degree burn from the combustion of this experiment on the tip of my thumb. It hurts and it stings. It is swollen and bruised. And I will sure lose about two layers of skin on the tip of my thumb, as illustrated here:

In the end, the question still remains: was the experiment worth it? Was mimicking something I saw on television worth losing two layers of thumb skin? You bet your sweet ass it was. At least I can say now that I really did light a fart on fire.

Come on baby light my fire.
–Jim Morrison



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