Thoughts of a Football Junkie

Posted: January 11, 2009 in Uncategorized

On this, the next to next to last Sunday of football for the year, I thought I would share a couple of thoughts with my loyal and knowledgeable readers. I know, I know, not all of you like football. I don’t care. You should like football and maybe these thoughts will push you in that direction.

Thought #1–Adam “Pacman” Jones
Is there any bigger moron in the NFL than this douchebag? As a blue-blooded Cowboys fan, I was forced to root for this twit all year. But, now that he has been released, I can jump on the dogpile of Pacman haters. First and foremost this guy is a fucking idiot. Those two words, fucking and idiot, are probably the most relevant, most descriptive, and least offensive ways to describe this model of intelligence. His constant infaution with strip clubs and thug life have left him sans job…again. Dude, if you make so much money, why not just hire a couple of escorts to meet you at your hotel for a private show? I mean, it seems to make a lot of sense. First, you don’t put yourself in a position of feeling compelled to shoot people, or rather, have other people shoot people for you. Second, with escorts and the aforementioned private show, you’d at least get to tap dat ass. And in the privacy of your hotel room you can make it rain, or hail, or snow, or any other weather event you wish to bring forth from the heavens. Good riddance idiot; I’m sure the Raiders will come calling soon.

Thought #2–Running back tandems
Why do sports shows feel compelled to assign names to running back tandems? For example, with the New York Giants, we have Brandon Jacobs, Derrick Ward, and Ahmad Bradshaw referred to as “Earth, Wind, & Fire.” Or with the Carolina Panthers we have Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams referred to as “Smash & Dash.” Come on guys, it’s not cute; it’s stupid. I wish I were a big time running back. I wish I were a big time running back on a team with another big time running back, except he would be black. Maybe we could be called “Salt & Pepper,” or “Ebony & Ivory.” Now those would be some fun names.

Thought #3–University of Oklahoma
Fuck OU; you got what you deserved. And while we are at it, fuck USC. Neither one of you could beat the University of Texas so just stop running your mouths. Maybe Obama can finally help all of us rabid football fans find some peace and get a playoff system in place. Pipe dream I’m sure, but a dream nonetheless. Oh, and have I mentioned fuck OU?

Thought #4–Ray Lewis
Just a quick question Ray, do you praise God so much on camera because you got away with murder in 2000? Just curious.


So those are my thoughts. I’m left watching the playoff with no viable team to root for, so I have been relegated to the role of mere spectator as opposed to psychotically excitable fan. Better luck next year.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.
–Merle Kessler


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