Archive for January, 2009


Posted: January 30, 2009 in Uncategorized

If we need anymore proof that the oil industry is bending us over, here it is:

It’s funny…in a time when our economy is totally in the tank, and when people are being laid off by the thousands, the oil companies still seem to make obscene amounts of money. I can’t help but think that they are part of the reason we are in this position. By raising our gas prices and gouging everyone at the tank, they have negatively impacted the profits of hundreds upon hundreds of companies, not to mention everyday citizens like you and me. So instead of spending money on other things, we are spending our money on gas.

They (the oil companies) know we depend on gas to get around, so they figure they can stick it to us. I would have no problem with this if oil companies were struggling for profits but, as you can see by the story, they are not. I’m sure that it is more complicated than that, but to the average citizen, perception is reality. I can guarantee you I won’t be the only one today to perceive the oil companies as uncaring machines of greed.

Further, I find it funny that the oil companies have been complaining for the past year that they will have to freeze oil exploration because they don’t have the money. Really? Well, it sure looks like you have the money to me. Why don’t you just say that you don’t want to find any more oil because then you really couldn’t blame the high prices on demand. Now that GW is out of office, how long do you think it will take for Obama to get wise to this little charade? I wonder if oil execs are worried because they no longer have an “oil man” in the White House.

Sigh. I hope I am alive 50 years from now to see the downfall of the oil industry. Because, my friends, it will be coming; we can’t keep pumping oil forever.

The use of solar energy has not opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.
–Ralph Nader



I’ll say it again…

Posted: January 29, 2009 in Uncategorized

…that is exactly why they are criminals. If they were smarter than illustrated below, they would do something with themselves. Oh, and again, why try to escape prison? They are just going to catch you, especially if you help them out like these gents.

Quick set-up: These two morons just finished escaping from jail in New Zealand. I guess there really are idiots the world over.

We don’t give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give ’em plenty of publicity.
–Will Rogers


This Week in American Idiocy

Posted: January 29, 2009 in Uncategorized

Really, the title of this post could be “Any Week in American Idiocy.” I am quite sure that just about every other country across this great globe of ours is littered with idiots, but since I am American, and I live in America, I thought I would keep it contained to our borders. Here are some idiotic tales.

  • Credit Motors Kansas City-I saw a commercial this morning, and I’ll be damned if I could find a screenshot to show everyone, so my set up will have to do. At the end of the commercial, in big, bold letters, Credit Motors states that “YOUR APPROVED.” Come again? My approved? Who’s approved are we talking about? Last time I checked I don’t think I have an approved. Oh, wait, do you mean “YOU’RE APPROVED?” I decided to do the right thing and send them a note on their website: “FYI…your local commercial says “YOUR APPROVED.” You should probably check your grammar because it is really “YOU’RE APPROVED.” “Your approved” would imply that I have an approved, which I don’t think I do. In fact, I don’t even know how one acquires an approved. “ Idiots.
  • People who run from the cops-You know, idiot, they are going to catch you. Especially if you steal a U-Haul and attempt to flee the po-po as this lady did:,2933,484764,00.html. Also, if you do decide to flee in your vehicle, when they do catch you, don’t try to run; unless, of course, you are an Olympic sprinter. And judging by the class of people that decide to run from the boys in blue, I don’t think that’s the case. People that break out of jail and are not in the cast of Prison Break also fall into this category.
  • People with vibarating chair thingies at work-Okay, so, I know you want us to ask you about your back problems, and I appreciate the play for attention, but do you really need to bring in an electronic masseuse to work? It is highly distracting. In fact, it really just sounds like a vibrator going in and out of a vag.
  • Rush Limbaugh-No real explanation here, he is just an idiot. He must have a penchant for shoe because he really loves to insert foot in mouth. He’s pretty damn flexible for a fattie.
  • Drive-thru customers-I think we have all experienced this idiocy (and laziness). The person right in front of you in the drive-thru, with four people in the car, that orders as such: “I’ll take a quarter pounder with no cheese. A quarter pounder with half cheese, no onions, and flakes of gold. I’ll take a chicken sandwich..fried…no grilled…no fried, with no bun but with pickles. I’ll take a quarter pounder with no onions, lettuces, tomatoes, no pickles, medium-rare, with three buns. I need four orders of tater tots. What do you mean you don’t have tater tots? Okay, well, then I’ll take two small fries and a medium fry and another small fry. I’ll take a small coke, a large coke, a medium coke, and another medium coke. And four apple pies.” This is the same person that then tries to move ahead in line but has stuck her car in reverse. This is also the same person that gets the bird and a few nasty words.
  • People that forget everyone can see your Facebook/MySpace-How many times do we have to hear about this? Some unfortunate twit is stupid enough to post pictures of his or her debauchery on his or her Facebook/MySpace, only to realize that, SHIT, EVERYONE CAN SEE IT! I have very little (none) sympathy for these models of intelligence. Nor do I have any sympathy for those that make comments/status updates on these social networking sites without telling the people it may be involved. For example, Jenny changes her status to “Single” without telling Johnny, who then finds out from a friend, who heard from a cousin, who saw it on her Facebook. Passive aggressive? Maybe. Absent-minded? Maybe. Idiotic? Definitely.

I’m sure I could continue to ramble, but I’ll save some more tales of idiocy for a little later. Besides, my brain hurts from recalling these morons.

Cluelessnes-There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
–Larry Kersten


It’s not their fault

Posted: January 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

As some of you know, there are a few things about me that I consider to be constants. The first thing is, of course, that I am under 6′ tall. The next, as you can imagine, is that I tend to get a little, shall we say, riled up. Beyond both of those facets of my being, there is one thing about me that has been so deeply ingrained into my essence as a human being that it supersedes many other parts of my personality. I am, my friends, a dog lover.

I have owned dogs, or been around dogs, for nearly all of my thirtysomething years. I was born into this world with a dog at my side and I will most likely die with a pack of dogs surrounding me. Dogs, to me, are not only pets but they are members of my family. If I had a choice between eating and feeding my four-legged children, I would most likely feed the children (I could, after all, barbecue them later…I kid!). They are the only creatures on this planet that will love you unconditionally and will forgive you immediately.

Yesterday, I was disturbed to read a story that said, in a nutshell, that many states were considering banning pit bulls. Now, I don’t own a pit bull, nor have I ever owned a pit bull. I know plenty of people that have owned them and much like every other dog, I found them to be sweet and docile and lovable. But also like every other dog, they will only be as sweet as their owner allows them to be. Their bond with man is so strong that they will listen and learn exactly what man tells and teaches them, nearly without exception.

What does a ban on pit bulls mean exactly? Does that mean that they will round up all the pit bulls across the land, much like Hitler did with the Jews and euthanize them? I have a hard time thinking that would not be the case. After all, a ban means that X is not allowed in Y any longer and considering the irrational nature of a lot of people, the most likely means certain doom for these pups.

Because of the irresponsibility of a few, it seems that everyone has to pay. As you have heard me say before, minority rules in this country. While we do live in a democratic society for the most part, the needs of the few will always outweigh the needs of the many. And when that is not the case, the few will lawyer-up and make the many pay.

Instead of banning pit bulls, I have a better solution, and a truly novel one at that. How about, get this, we keep certain people from owning dogs? Sounds trite, right? How about, instead of rounding them up and killing them, you round them up and place them in loving, responsible homes? How about we take the pit bulls from all the ghetto birds that have seen one too many Snoop Doggy Dogg videos and give them to people who will actually love the dog? It should be pretty easy to accomplish. Drive around. Find the chain link fences. Find the dogs tied up, outside, behind said chain link fences and save them.

If you think about it, what kind of life is that anyway? Hell, if I were a dog chained up outside all day I would certainly escape too and take out my anger on the humans that chained me up. So in essence, the anger and outbursts of these beautiful animals is not their fault. It is, quite simply, the fault of the people that allow or even encourage these dogs to exhibit aggressive behavior. We have begun blaming parents for the activities of their juvenile delinquents, isn’t it about time we hold the same standard to pet “owners?”

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.
–Mark Twain


God, that’s annoying

Posted: January 22, 2009 in Uncategorized

I will admit, I like to jump on bandwagons. I’m not one of those uber-cool people that like to think they are better than everyone else by not jumping on the bandwagon of something cool. Like, for example, people who say they don’t watch TV. “Oh, I don’t watch TV because I am just too deep for anything television offers.” You know what I have to say to that? Liar. You watch TV. You watch more TV than the rest of us. Just admit it so the rest of us can stop calling you a dildo behind your back.

Anyway, bandwagons. I jump on them all the time (except maybe the Spice Girls bandwagon). I like to connect with my friends and the rest of society and be part of the water cooler conversation. There is, however, a bandwagon that I have never jumped on (besides Spice Girls), never will jump on, and want to kill people that do jump on it. That bandwagon is the song ringtone.

Every time someone’s mobile phone (yes, it is a mobile phone, not a cell phone) rings and it plays a snippet of his or her favorite song, I die a little inside. First of all, ringing mobile phones are annoying as it is. Nobody wants to hear your baby daddy calling you to tell you that he can’t take your seed for the weekend because his stomach hurts (when in actuality he’s tappin‘ the chick running the register at Burger King). Phones come with a “vibrate” setting for a reason. Such audio annoyances become even more irritating when those around you have to hear “Shortie got low, low, low, low” repeat over and over when said baby daddy is blowing up your phone at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon in the middle of the mall (and frankly I don’t give a shit how low she got).

These ringtones aren’t cute, they suck. Nobody gives a flying fuck what kind of music you like. Nobody gives a flying fuck that you feel it necessary to give every single person in your phonebook a different song. And certainly nobody gives a flying fuck that you figured out how to give a text, picture message, and phone call all different songs. I speak for just about everyone over the age of 25 when I say we hate you and we want to jam that phone so far up your ass that your small intestine starts bouncing to the beats of “Womanizer.” Unless you are under the age of 18 and still in high school and still learning how to take off a condom without making a royal mess, you have no business making the rest of us listen to Cowboy Troy rap about something that only white people understand.

Your phone comes with many less annoying (and free!) ringtones. How about you save a buck, and save our ears, and use those instead?

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.
–Alexander Jablokov


Thoughts of a Football Junkie

Posted: January 11, 2009 in Uncategorized

On this, the next to next to last Sunday of football for the year, I thought I would share a couple of thoughts with my loyal and knowledgeable readers. I know, I know, not all of you like football. I don’t care. You should like football and maybe these thoughts will push you in that direction.

Thought #1–Adam “Pacman” Jones
Is there any bigger moron in the NFL than this douchebag? As a blue-blooded Cowboys fan, I was forced to root for this twit all year. But, now that he has been released, I can jump on the dogpile of Pacman haters. First and foremost this guy is a fucking idiot. Those two words, fucking and idiot, are probably the most relevant, most descriptive, and least offensive ways to describe this model of intelligence. His constant infaution with strip clubs and thug life have left him sans job…again. Dude, if you make so much money, why not just hire a couple of escorts to meet you at your hotel for a private show? I mean, it seems to make a lot of sense. First, you don’t put yourself in a position of feeling compelled to shoot people, or rather, have other people shoot people for you. Second, with escorts and the aforementioned private show, you’d at least get to tap dat ass. And in the privacy of your hotel room you can make it rain, or hail, or snow, or any other weather event you wish to bring forth from the heavens. Good riddance idiot; I’m sure the Raiders will come calling soon.

Thought #2–Running back tandems
Why do sports shows feel compelled to assign names to running back tandems? For example, with the New York Giants, we have Brandon Jacobs, Derrick Ward, and Ahmad Bradshaw referred to as “Earth, Wind, & Fire.” Or with the Carolina Panthers we have Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams referred to as “Smash & Dash.” Come on guys, it’s not cute; it’s stupid. I wish I were a big time running back. I wish I were a big time running back on a team with another big time running back, except he would be black. Maybe we could be called “Salt & Pepper,” or “Ebony & Ivory.” Now those would be some fun names.

Thought #3–University of Oklahoma
Fuck OU; you got what you deserved. And while we are at it, fuck USC. Neither one of you could beat the University of Texas so just stop running your mouths. Maybe Obama can finally help all of us rabid football fans find some peace and get a playoff system in place. Pipe dream I’m sure, but a dream nonetheless. Oh, and have I mentioned fuck OU?

Thought #4–Ray Lewis
Just a quick question Ray, do you praise God so much on camera because you got away with murder in 2000? Just curious.


So those are my thoughts. I’m left watching the playoff with no viable team to root for, so I have been relegated to the role of mere spectator as opposed to psychotically excitable fan. Better luck next year.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.
–Merle Kessler



Posted: January 6, 2009 in Uncategorized

Sometimes, aging is not a graceful process. I think that it differs greatly between genders, and probably differs greatly between individuals. Being only a 30-something, I haven’t had much of a chance to age gracefully. Of course things change, and one must adjust as he ages, but as a 30-something, you don’t really have to worry about having too much grace as the days click by.

I’m curious though, particularly for men, at what point should you really start worrying about the aging process? I am also curious at what point does a man feel that his ear hair is a socially acceptable feature? Does there come a point in time where you, as a man, just give up and say, “Fuck it, let it grow?” What baffles me further is the men I see, with said ear hair, and a wedding ring. What kind of woman in her right mind would allow her man to leave the house with chia-ear? Does she eventually give up too and decide it’s okay for her husband to enter the world of senility?

I want to avoid this little marker in life. Part of God’s sick sense of humor is to give people hair follicles in their ears, and I understand that I may not be able to avoid hair in the ear. What I can avoid, however, is letting the world see pubes sprouting from my ear canal. I want to avoid the point when I look in the mirror, see my ear hair, and just shrug it off and move on.

Ear hair, it would appear, is only a part of the chiaing that the body does as it ages. Nose hair, eyebrows, and random long hairs growing out of moles all seem to work together with the ear hair in order to transform a person from a human to some sort of hamster. Even when I am 70, I never want to be the guy that has nose hairs tickling his upper lip, ear hair caked with wax, and a four-foot long hair growing from the mole on my face. If I ever become that guy, just pull the plug and dump my body in the ocean. If I ever give up on trying to age gracefully, then I have given up on my integration into society and therefore am no longer fit for visual human consumption.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

–Chili Davis