Archive for November, 2008

The Day Before

Posted: November 30, 2008 in Uncategorized

You know, I have traveled quite a bit over the last three years. Big cities and small cities; warm and cold weather. I have been to the Caribbean and East Coast and West Coast and all points in between. I have not, however, been to the other side of the pond. And by pond I mean Atlantic Ocean. And by otherside I mean Eurpoe. As I prepare for a 10-day work related adventure to London tomorrow, I find that I am incredibly nervous about it, and I’m not sure why, but let me see if I can figure it out.

I don’t think I’m nervous about the people over there. They (as in Londoners) all speak English, even if they do spell things wrong. I don’t have to drive so driving on the wrong side of the road isn’t a concern. I have a friend over there so I won’t be lacking for anyone to hang out with. I can handle the cold weather and rain so, nope, that’s not it either.

I might be a little nervous about the food as I have heard it is, um, a little suspect. That is, of course, unless you like to eat kidneys which I do not. But I think what I am most nervous about is spending 7+ hours on a plane, sans cigarettes. I might be a little concerned that I’ll want to beat someone up by the time the flight is over. To combat this, I have loaded up with nicotine gum and things to keep me busy. Hopefully I can get through it without some incident showing up on the evening news.

So that’s my little confessional for this morning. Should I make it over there in one piece, I’ll be sure to make regular updates, if for nothing more than to make fun of the Brits. In the event of my demise, however, please bury all my toys with me. If this means that you have to get a box that is much to big for my 5’8″ frame, then so be it. It’s taken a lot of time to collect them and I’ll be damned if I want some little kids to get their grubby little paws on them.

You lose sight of things…when you travel, everything balances out.
–Daranna Gidel

jbr

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Here’s something fun for ya’

Posted: November 11, 2008 in Uncategorized

Just a quick story for you on this Tuesday morning. Try this sometime…

I was driving down I-70 on my way to work this morning, cruising at my customary 85 mph, on wet roads. For those of you that don’t know, I-70 is an incredibly busy stretch of highway that runs east to west (or west to east if you prefer) and is much like I-35 in that it has a lot of interstate travel (hence the I in I-70 I suppose). While it was not raining, the mistiness of other cars made my windshield a little dirty, so I decided to give her a spray and cleaner her off. So I sprayed…the juice came out and coated the windshield, and as my driver’s side windshield wiper blade came up to do it’s duty…WEEEEEE….there it goes. Right off my truck and into the middle of a busy stretch of highway.

My friends, if you need a morning boost of adrenaline, I suggest you try this. I thought for a moment that my truck was going to pull a Space Shuttle Columbia and just disentegrate right on the spot. As it happens though, the windshield wiper was the only part of my truck that was lost in the debacle. Needless to say my windshield is still dirty.

The only good luck many great men ever had was being born with the ability and determination to overcome bad luck.
–Channing Pollock

jbr

Ghettolicious

Posted: November 10, 2008 in Uncategorized

For some strange reason, I have multiple pairs of flannel boxers. This is made even more strange by the fact that I am from Texas, and up until about 2 years ago, I had no need for flannel boxers. Oddly enough, I have had said boxers since my time in Texas, which still perplexes me to this day. As usual, however, I digress…

Today is is buttfucking cold outside. It’s not chilly. It’s not cool. It is nipple-popping, hair-growing cold outside. A little windy, a lot gray, and cold. With that in mind, I thought I would give these flannel boxers a whirl this morning. You know, the boys get a little chilly and considering that I am a smoker, it seemed to make sense. So on they went, under my jeans, and out the door I go.

My review: my boys are warm. They are insulated and happy. The rest of my lower half, however, is not so happy. I am not a very big dude. I’m not chunky monkey and I have a tiny butt. Today, thanks to the flannel boxers, I seem to have grown a ghetto booty. Not only that, it looks like I have soccer thighs to go along with this badonkadonk. I feel like I should be going low in the latest Flo Rida video or something. Not to mention that they are just uncomfortable…bunchy and what not. I guess you could say I now have my panties in a wad.

Since going commando is not much of an option today, I guess I’m just going to have to ride out the wave of rap videoesque bootiness. If you see me in the hall try not to stare too much…you might give me a complex.

I like big butts and I cannot lie.
–Sir Mixalot

jbr

Pouches

Posted: November 7, 2008 in Uncategorized

Since my move to the Midwest a little over two years ago, I have become quite fond of the Winter. This year, as I mentioned previously, Winter has been slow to show her face. Today, however, she has busted down the door of fall and let everyone know that she’s here. Windy, cloudy, and cold, the day and subsquent weekend will be good for food, football, and lots of booze….sounds like my kind of weekend.

Days like today are also good for something else: hoodies. Not the zip-up, jacket-style hoodies mind you, but rather, the one piece, continuous pocket hoodies that make you look frumpy yet cozy. I must say that I love hoodies. I also love shoes but that is a story for a different day. Hoodies are not only comfortable, but functional. I cannot think of another piece of apparel that gives you the convenience of a fanny-pack, the pouch of a kangaroo, the hood of a Jedi, and the string of a tampon, all rolled into one.

The pouch of the hoodie is really what I like. I am one of those dudes that seems to have an endless amount of shit in my pockets. In fact, if society dictated that I could carry a purse, I probably would. As it stands, however, society says that a straight man cannot carry a purse, therefore I do not. During the summer I am stuck with sweaty legs due to all the crap in pockets. But during the winter, I am afforded an opportunity to carry even more stuff around (pack mule) and not get sweaty (balls) in the process.

Other than the cold, you may ask yourself why am I bringing this up? Good question; I like where your head is at. Well, friends, as I pulled into my place of employment this morning, I found that I was able to carry my iPod, my smokes, my lighter, my gum, my phone, my Burt’s Bees, three bottles of whiskey, two dead birds, and an uzi, all in my hoodie pouch. After squeezing all of those items in there, with room to spare, I came to the realization that I have a love affair with the hoodie. I also realized that perhaps I should move somewhere colder, maybe say Iceland, so I can wear hoodies year-round. Of course, if I did that, the hoody may lose its luster and then I’m just stuck freezing my nuts off.

Perhaps in the summer I can just cut the sleeves off one on my hoodies so I can still have my roo-pouch. Of course, then again, if I wanted to look like a douchebag, I could just get a fanny-pack.

I’m the illest motherfucker from here to Gardenia.
–Mike D.

jbr