The news always seems to irritate me in the morning. Not just because the weather man (or woman, or person if you prefer to remain neutrally politically correct) is nearly always wrong (they need to take a page out of Ollie Williams’ book, “It’s gon rain.”). No, it goes deeper than that. The news always seems to irritate me in the morning because they show me stories that get my blood pressure up and force me to say naughty words (on the flip side to that, it provides me fodder).
Let us set the stage for the naughty words that will surely follow. In 2005, a gentleman (I use this term loosely) by the name of Roy Pearson sued a Washington, D.C. dry cleaner for losing his pants. Let me repeat that: for losing his pants. Well, okay, on the face of it, it might seem logical. Maybe he just took them to small claims court to get reimbursed for the missing pantelones. If that were the case, of course, I would not be writing about this. No, Delta (for those of you uninformed, delta=douche)Roy Pearson sued the dry cleaner for…wait for it….wait for it…$67 million dollar. If your initial reaction to this is the same as mine, you just said, out loud, “What the holy fuck?” If this makes you angry at first blush, let us dissect it a bit further.
Delta Pearson is, get this shit, a former district administrative judge. After losing his pants in 2005, Pearson became so incensed that he decided that his lost pair of pants, and the cleaner’s renege on the “satisfaction guaranteed” policy, was worth $67 million (stand up guy that he is, though, he later dropped it to $54 million. What a pal!). Of course, in 2007, the judge thought he was a complete and total tool and dismissed the lawsuit. Talk about an abuse of schooling though. Use your law degree for something useful, like suing God (http://www.thelongstar.com/2008/08/tax-dollars.html)
It is interesting to note though that, during the first trial, Delta Pearson represented himself. During this time Delta Pearson called himself to the stand and proceeded to explained that the cleaner attempted to give him the wrong pair of pants when he went to pick up his cleaning. This next part really tugs at my heart strings…while telling this story on the stand, Delta Pearson became so upset that he began to cry and had to leave the courtroom.
REALLY? Over a pair of fucking pants? He must have been on his period or something because I throw out pants all the time. Sometimes I even get stuff on my pants, or accidentally burn a whole in them and have to throw them away. I’ve even had my dogs chew on my pants which prompted me to throw them out. Somebody get this dude some Kleenex, a new pair of pants, and some tampons.
After Delta Pearson collected himself, he called other witnesses to the stand that testified that the cleaners were rude, and sometimes sloppy. I get that. I have been to places where the service sucks and you know what I do? I go somewhere else. Occasionally I blast them with some f-bombs, but for the most part I just take my money elsewhere. I certainly don’t call up an attorney and attempt to waste the taxpayer’s money by suing them for $54 million dollars that we all know they don’t have. Wait, maybe I would do that to Wal-Mart, but that’s a story for another day.
During this process, Delta was offered a $12,000 settlement. $12k…for a PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS. Holy shit. Those must have been diamond encrusted pants made out of Jesus’ hair because I haven’t seen a pair of pants that expensive. Of course, the greedy motherfucker that he is, he turned the settlement down and decided to take the case to court (side note here: he declined a jury trial and went just with a judge…this comes into play in just a second).
Blah, blah, blah, he lost the case and the justice system wins, right? Wrong. Not only did the cleaners lose two of their locations due to the legal expenses they incurred, they actually found his pants in the process. But NOOOOOO, still not good enough for Delta. This week, he has filed an appeal in the case and is requesting a jury trial for the $54 million dollar, despite the fact that everyone he knows must think he is a cocksucker, his pants have been found, and he is going to burn in hell. Is it just me, or shouldn’t he have requested a jury trial the first time? I suspect that he rolled the-judge-is-going-to-relate-to-his-brethren dice and lost.
If I were a taxpayer in D.C., I would hold a city-wide meeting, find this guy, and tar and feather him. Not only is Delta Pearson raping the taxpayer here, he has effectively raped a small business that did nothing more than lose a pair of pants (that have been found). Sure they may have been guilty of being assholes, but what business isn’t at some point in time? This terd has ruined the American Dream of innocent people, all because he wanted to pitch a fit about a pair of pants. Not the loss of a limb. Not the death of a loved one. The loss of a pair of pants (that have been found). His license to practice law should be revoked and he should be banished to Canada to live with the French Canadians. Think these people were rude? Try those folks. Not very friendly at all.
The moral of the story is this: this guy is an asshole. He has no regard for other people and is a spoiled brat in need of a punch to the nose. The other moral of the story is: if you don’t like something, go somewhere else.
This is not about a pair of suit pants.
–Roy Pearson, Delta Bravo