Archive for October, 2008

Colors

Posted: October 31, 2008 in Uncategorized

There are occasions, sometimes yearly, sometimes less frequently, when autumn becomes a rollercoaster. The slow, subtle dormancy of fall is often afflicted by swings of weather that would rival the wildest of rides. Wind and rain; hot and cold; clouds and sun.

After several days of cold, and several days of rain accompanying said cold, Indian summer has arrived. The fluorescent colors of the changing leaves are accentuated by the brightness of life-sustaining sunshine. Oranges and yellows and reds mix with the remaining greens to form a rainbow of post-summer bliss. The leaves have not yet dotted the roads on the journey to their final resting places. The grass, despite being frosted with the whiteness of frozen dew, has yet to go quietly into the night. Perfection has ensued, and even if it is fleeting; even if it is for this one day, it paints the horizon with a brush of another summer passed.

It is this time of year when we wait, but not impatiently, for winter to embrace us in its chilly grip. Until that time, we will dress in our t-shirts in flip flops. We will invite friends over for one last hurrah; for one last ode to the summer sun. We will eat, drink, and be merry, and while we know that the rollercoaster is reaching its final plunge for the year, we will throw our hands up and scream in jubilant celebration of Indian summer.

Those rainy days they ain’t so bad when you’re the king.
–Kings of Leon

jbr

Political Message, Part I

Posted: October 26, 2008 in Uncategorized

I was able to glean the transcripts from a couple of political ads that I saw recently and I thought I would share them with you. I was unable to get the video and audio to work, so you’ll just have to read along, but I think you’ll get the drift. First up, Barack Obama…

(female voiceover) Our country is broken. With our healthcare system failing and our economy in shambles, it is time for our country to move in a new direction. John McCain, wants you to feel sorry for him for being a POW during the Vietnam war. Barack Obama contends that most Americans think the Vietnam War was a hoax put on by the U.S. government. If it was a hoax, how could he have been a POW?

John McCain wants to pay for healthcare reform by selling the organs of our most vulnerable citizens: the retardeds. With Barack Obama, the healthcare system will no longer be needed. He has a vaccine that will make all Americans big and small; retarded and just Californian; black, white, and red, immune from all diseases and injury. What better way to reform the healthcare system than to eliminate it?

John McCain thinks the fundamentals of the economy are “strong.” Barack Obama says, “get a fucking clue old man.” When Commander-in-Chief, Barack Obama will drain the bank accounts of the wealthy and ship them off to a deserted island. They are the ones that got us here in the first place and it’s time to make them pony up and save the rest of us. Maybe he’ll ship them to Canada. Either way the economy will be stronger. Wall Street will become a bazaar of shops for small businesses and big business alike. The New York Stock Exchange will become the world’s largest Wal-Mart so that the middle-class citizen can find bargains, even in New York City.

John McCain’s running mate, Sarah “The Pit Bull” Palin, wants to legalize hunting of humans as “big game.” Barack Obama’s stance: just take off your clothes Palin and give us dirty, sexy librarian. After all, if you put lipstick on a MILF, she is still a MILF.

It’s time for radical change in America. On election day, remember this: George Bush is the devil. John McCain likes George Bush. Therfore John McCain is the Anti-Christ. And while Sarah Palin is hot, she probably isn’t going to show us the goods. Who here wants a cocktease in the White House?

(Barack Obama voiceover) I am Barack Obama and I have approved this message. On November 6th, help a brotha out by going black and not going back.

Interesting message the candidates are trying to push these days. So much for letting up on the political attacks.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
–Robin Williams

jbr

Have You Seen My Pants?

Posted: October 23, 2008 in Uncategorized

The news always seems to irritate me in the morning. Not just because the weather man (or woman, or person if you prefer to remain neutrally politically correct) is nearly always wrong (they need to take a page out of Ollie Williams’ book, “It’s gon rain.”). No, it goes deeper than that. The news always seems to irritate me in the morning because they show me stories that get my blood pressure up and force me to say naughty words (on the flip side to that, it provides me fodder).

Let us set the stage for the naughty words that will surely follow. In 2005, a gentleman (I use this term loosely) by the name of Roy Pearson sued a Washington, D.C. dry cleaner for losing his pants. Let me repeat that: for losing his pants. Well, okay, on the face of it, it might seem logical. Maybe he just took them to small claims court to get reimbursed for the missing pantelones. If that were the case, of course, I would not be writing about this. No, Delta (for those of you uninformed, delta=douche)Roy Pearson sued the dry cleaner for…wait for it….wait for it…$67 million dollar. If your initial reaction to this is the same as mine, you just said, out loud, “What the holy fuck?” If this makes you angry at first blush, let us dissect it a bit further.

Delta Pearson is, get this shit, a former district administrative judge. After losing his pants in 2005, Pearson became so incensed that he decided that his lost pair of pants, and the cleaner’s renege on the “satisfaction guaranteed” policy, was worth $67 million (stand up guy that he is, though, he later dropped it to $54 million. What a pal!). Of course, in 2007, the judge thought he was a complete and total tool and dismissed the lawsuit. Talk about an abuse of schooling though. Use your law degree for something useful, like suing God (http://www.thelongstar.com/2008/08/tax-dollars.html)

It is interesting to note though that, during the first trial, Delta Pearson represented himself. During this time Delta Pearson called himself to the stand and proceeded to explained that the cleaner attempted to give him the wrong pair of pants when he went to pick up his cleaning. This next part really tugs at my heart strings…while telling this story on the stand, Delta Pearson became so upset that he began to cry and had to leave the courtroom.

REALLY? Over a pair of fucking pants? He must have been on his period or something because I throw out pants all the time. Sometimes I even get stuff on my pants, or accidentally burn a whole in them and have to throw them away. I’ve even had my dogs chew on my pants which prompted me to throw them out. Somebody get this dude some Kleenex, a new pair of pants, and some tampons.

After Delta Pearson collected himself, he called other witnesses to the stand that testified that the cleaners were rude, and sometimes sloppy. I get that. I have been to places where the service sucks and you know what I do? I go somewhere else. Occasionally I blast them with some f-bombs, but for the most part I just take my money elsewhere. I certainly don’t call up an attorney and attempt to waste the taxpayer’s money by suing them for $54 million dollars that we all know they don’t have. Wait, maybe I would do that to Wal-Mart, but that’s a story for another day.

During this process, Delta was offered a $12,000 settlement. $12k…for a PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS. Holy shit. Those must have been diamond encrusted pants made out of Jesus’ hair because I haven’t seen a pair of pants that expensive. Of course, the greedy motherfucker that he is, he turned the settlement down and decided to take the case to court (side note here: he declined a jury trial and went just with a judge…this comes into play in just a second).

Blah, blah, blah, he lost the case and the justice system wins, right? Wrong. Not only did the cleaners lose two of their locations due to the legal expenses they incurred, they actually found his pants in the process. But NOOOOOO, still not good enough for Delta. This week, he has filed an appeal in the case and is requesting a jury trial for the $54 million dollar, despite the fact that everyone he knows must think he is a cocksucker, his pants have been found, and he is going to burn in hell. Is it just me, or shouldn’t he have requested a jury trial the first time? I suspect that he rolled the-judge-is-going-to-relate-to-his-brethren dice and lost.

If I were a taxpayer in D.C., I would hold a city-wide meeting, find this guy, and tar and feather him. Not only is Delta Pearson raping the taxpayer here, he has effectively raped a small business that did nothing more than lose a pair of pants (that have been found). Sure they may have been guilty of being assholes, but what business isn’t at some point in time? This terd has ruined the American Dream of innocent people, all because he wanted to pitch a fit about a pair of pants. Not the loss of a limb. Not the death of a loved one. The loss of a pair of pants (that have been found). His license to practice law should be revoked and he should be banished to Canada to live with the French Canadians. Think these people were rude? Try those folks. Not very friendly at all.

The moral of the story is this: this guy is an asshole. He has no regard for other people and is a spoiled brat in need of a punch to the nose. The other moral of the story is: if you don’t like something, go somewhere else.

This is not about a pair of suit pants.
–Roy Pearson, Delta Bravo

jbr

Callin’ It

Posted: October 21, 2008 in Uncategorized

I have to call bullshit on the latest Visit California commercial. The young lady that opens the commercial says, and I’m paraphrasing, that everyone thinks Californians are laid back. I spent nine months in Los Angeles and I have met quite a few Californians. That is why, my friends, that I am calling bullshit.

Other than filming this commercial, has this girl really been to California? Californians are about as laid back as I am black. These people are some of the most uptight, rudest, suckiest people on the face of the planet. They have no manners. They have no sense of community. What they do have, however, is a sense of self-absorption that rivals a cheetah’s sense of speed.

Perhaps there are some areas of California where the people are laid back; I’m sure that can be said about all states. But being stoned out of your mind on delicious, juicy bud does not qualify as laid back. That qualifies as being stoned out of your mind on delicious, juicy bud. Perhaps the writers of this commercial failed to see the difference between the two.

California sucks. Sure San Francisco is kind of cool and San Diego is beautiful, but who the fuck wants to shell out $5 for a gallon of gas? And despite the coolness of these two cities, California is stuck with Los Angeles which is, in my very humble opinion, the 10th circle of hell. It’s crowded. It stinks. It’s always on fire. It’s on the verge of tumbling into the ocean. It has Hollywood.

So here’s to the heaping pile of bullshit you are trying to feed us, California. I guess you can’t get enough people to come visit your crappy little country (yes, I said country) and now you are resorting to lies. I can only hope that maybe, just maybe, my California bashing reaches at least one person and keeps them from getting stuck in the cesspool that is your state.

California is like an artificial limb the rest of the country doesn’t need.
–Saul Bellow

jbr

Thoughts on a Wednesday

Posted: October 13, 2008 in Uncategorized

Just some wickedly calculated randomness for your Wednesday.

  • If I have to hear that MIA song one more time (which is a rip off of a song by The Clash, by the way), I might shove firecrackers in my ears and set them off.
  • Welcome to the ‘Boys, Roy. Good riddance, Pac’.
  • No, I will not send you a memo next time I happen to be color coordinated with a coworker. Anyone who does send a memo to that effect should be fired for being a douchebag.
  • Dear Employer, It is 45 degrees outside today, I think it is okay to turn off the A/C. Yours truly, My Nipples
  • I don’t know why people don’t work from home more often. The selections on television are mind boggling…Judge Judy. Judge Joe Brown. Judge Hatchett. Judge Mathis. Judge David Young. People’s Court. Cristina’s Court. Divorce Court. It just sucks my Tivo can only record two of these gems at one time. Wait, gotta go, the verdict is in.
  • When your female boss asks to you to come up with a name for the newly formed internal ethics committee don’t say, “How about the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee.”
  • When I send someone an email at work, there is no reason to send one back saying “thanks.” Next time someone does that I’m going to send one back that says “fuck you” and pack up my desk.
  • It is easier to shave one’s balls during the winter.
  • No matter how much lotion you put on, it is still possible to write “DRY” on your skin with your fingernail, the only difference is the amount of blood you might draw in the process.

Well, I’d love to stay and chat but you’re a total bitch.
–Stewie Griffin

jbr

And that is why…

Posted: October 9, 2008 in Uncategorized

…they are criminals.

So yesterday, at some point in time during the day, I had some jackass decide he wanted to break into my house and rifle through my things. Guy must have been looking for jewelry or cash, of which there was none, because he didn’t take anything. Nothing. Zilch. Two laptops sitting out. Two digital cameras. An XBOX 360. Two stereos. Four TVs. And three beautiful pups. And yet, nothing was missing. My mailbox key was sitting in the middle of the floor, and a ton of drawers and cabinets were opened but nothing was taken. Strange….or stupid…or both.

If I may take the liberty to speak directly to the motherfucker that decided to enter my house uninvited yesterday…and since this is my blog, I think I can take the liberty to do whatever the fuck I please.

Hey you…yeah you…douchebag. How stupid are you that you take the time to break into someone’s house and don’t take anything of value? I’m sure on the GED exam that you most certainly took there is some sort of math problem on there that would have aided you in determining the value of electronic items. Oh wait, maybe you didn’t take that exam. Or maybe you were partially aborted at birth and your mildly-labotomized brain doesn’t think that quickly. In any case you obviously don’t have a job if you are out and about and in other people’s houses in the middle of the day. And there is probably a reason you can’t work a cash register at Wal-Mart, and hence have no job, and that reason is quite evidenced by the fact that you didn’t steal anything of value from me. Perhaps you were looking for cash. Or jewelry. Or drugs. Or Jesus. In any case, you found none of the above, dildo.

You did, however, take my peace of mind. You have taken my feeling of settledness in my nice new house, in my nice new neighborhood, away. Thanks for that fuckhead. Oh and you took my garage door opener, which, of course, does not work now. How about you man up and drop by my place when I’m there? That would probably be too much to ask. You aren’t a man. You are a pussy (I should’ve left some tampons out for you). And that, my friend, is why you are a criminal. Eat shit and die, cocksucker.

Whew…that felt good. Sorry for the swear words, but sometimes it is best to let it out, Tarantino style. For those of you that may be wondering, yes I did call the cops (nothing they can do) and yes I deprogrammed by garage remotes. My big dog has also been left to roam free from now on so maybe next time this fuckface will end up with a few battle scars.

Let the Lord judge the criminals.
–Tupac

jbr

Unexplained Absence

Posted: October 8, 2008 in Uncategorized

I have been a bit AWOL as of late, and I have no real explanation. I have excuses apleanty, but alas these would only garner mild sympathy and most likely a firm roll of the eyes.

I have felt decidely unfunny these days. My previously discussed move has been completed and while I feel a bit more settled than I have in the past couple of days, I am still mired in a daily lack of solid sleep. Normally when I can’t sleep soundly I get sick. However, a week into my lack of z’s and still nothing. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop so I can get this over with and get back to my normal daily eight. As it stands though I am currently groggy, cranky, and ready to bitch about some things. Who knows, maybe it will spark something meaningful (but I suggest you do not hold your breath on that one).

Sarah Palin is a fucking idiot, plain and simple. Dan Quayle was brighter than her on her worst day. While I had no intenion of voting for John “I’m a Vietnam Vet so love me” McCain, I don’t think he did himself any favors with this twit. Sure she is nice to look at, what us guys call a MILF (about to be a GILF….and speaking of that, have you seen the boobs on her daughter? Good Lord. She should have her own zip code for those things). But nice looks aside, every time she opens her mouth I feel like I need to go take a crap. Who gives a holy fuck if you are a “hockey mom?” I swear to God if I have to hear that one more time I might throw myself into a pit of razor-laden jellyfish. How many hockey moms are there anyway? I would make a bold guess to say not that many. Soccer, football, and baseball moms probably all feel a little alienated by her constant allusion to that stupidly violent sport. Find something more worthwhile to speak about, and in the meantime, just shut up, let us look at you, and maybe show us your boobs.

With all this talk about Obama’s affiliation with Bill Ayers, I can’t help but think that his little leftist group from the 60s & 70s could have come up with a better name than “Weather Underground.” I was admittedly unfamiliar with the group, so I Googled it. I found out that members of the “Weather Underground” were called “Weathermen” and this was obtained from a line in a Bob Dylan song. Really? Seriously? Come on now…Bob Dylan song or not, it really sucks. Oooooohhhh scaaaaarrrrry Weathermen. Might as well have called yourself Tampons because that is a really pussy name. I’m so glad I didn’t live during that time. Idiots.

People, when you get on the highway, I have six words for you: hit the highway at highway speeds. Lollygagging your way into a 70 mph zone is not only dangerous, it is highly irritating. If you are nervous about getting on the highway, then don’t. Find a stay-at-home job or take public transportation.

Speaking of the highway, I think I’m going to start flicking pennies out of my window when people are riding on my ass. Dude, if I could move faster, I would. Trust me, I have too much pride and testosterone to let you pass me in your little Honda Civic. Seriously though, how awesome would that be? One minute you are trying to fit in my backseat going 85 mph and then next it’s hailing Lincolns. I suspect that could be construed as felonious behavior though, but even still, it’s a nice thought.

And finally, if you need a good chuckle today, I suggest you go here: http://www.thewebsiteisdown.com . You’ll need about 11 minutes and only a slight level of dorkiness.

What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.
–Kingpin

jbr