Open Letter

Posted: September 30, 2008 in Uncategorized

Dear Mr. Policeman,

I’m writing you this letter today in an effort to get you to change your evil ways. My fellow drivers do not have the guts to write you such a letter, so I speak for the entire population of motorists today.

There are two things that concern me about your behavior, and both revolve around my time spent on the road. First, for the love of God, please stop pulling people over, on the highway, during rush hour. The Pavlovian response that this generates among drivers is maddening. While I understand that you have someone pulled over and do not feel the need to slam on my brakes, unfortunately my fellow drivers do not get this. Having someone pulled over on the side of the road, at 7:30 in the morning on a major interstate, with your blinking lights, gnarls traffic each and every time. Why not just do paperwork during this time of day? Or how about you eat some breakfast or hit the shooting range? There are plenty of other things to do and I’m sure your superiors will understand. I am quite confident that all will agree that we will take our chances on the road with the speeder/registration expirer/no-turn-signaler; we don’t need you during this time.

Secondly, when you are driving on the highway during non-rush hour periods, how about you drive the speed limit like the rest of us? Driving 10 mph under the limit tends to freak a lot of the other chicken shit drivers out and, again, slows down traffic. Personally I’m not scared of you and have no problem passing you while you are deciding to give your testosterone a whirl. However, much like the side of the road business, other drivers are scared of you and this fear causes the road rage to bubble up inside me like the horniness of a 13-year old boy seeing a Playboy for the first time. This could be easily avoided if you would just set your cruise to whatever the speed limit is and go on about your day. Fishing on the highway is not a good idea.

With the cost of gas going through the roof, adding more stop-and-go driving to our lives adds to our financial peril. Cut us a break here Mr. Policeman and let us go on about our day and you go about yours. Thank you.



P.S.–Oh, and can you find another hairdo than a flat top? Last time I checked you guys aren’t Marines. Thanks again.

If you ever see me get beaten up by the cops, put down the video camera and come help me, alright?
–Bobcat Goldwaithe



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