Caribbean King–Day One: The Arrival

Posted: September 16, 2008 in Uncategorized

Rain, rain, go away…

It absolutely fucking poured this morning on my way to the airport. I swear I saw an Ark floating down the highway. Oh, wait, maybe it’s the acid…I digress.

Minus the rain, the airport arrival and departure was uneventful. So uneventful that we can just skip right on past planes, trains, and automobiles and get right into the mix of it all.

As soon as I stepped my pretty little buns off the plane, even in the air conditioning, you notice how hot it is. Not like Arizona, I’m-in-an-oven hot, but that all-too-familiar I’m-slowly-tenderizing-in-a-crock-pot-hot. Thank God I was wearing a hat because otherwise I would immediately have Chow head.

Here are some tips for flying into Cancun:

–Don’t pack weed because there are dogs everywhere.

–If you are brave enough to pack weed, don’t pack it with food. There are dogs for that too.

–After you get your bags and get through customs, walk past all the dudes and dudettes in light blue button ups. They look like they are there to help you, but they are really just going to try and rope you into time share. No matter what they say or do, don’t trust them. It’s like dealing with a rabid dog: don’t make eye contact, just keep walking…FAST!

–Flashing cash will get you where you need to be a lot faster. It will also get you better drinks..more on that later.

After the long drive to the resort I am immediately floored by how awesome it is. Little did I know that I would have a butler for my stay at the resort. FUCKING SWEEEEET! As it is with all resorts, my room isn’t immediately ready so I get a few minutes to chill in the posh lobby and down a couple of Dos Equis’ before they whisk me away. I also get to puff on a few Camels whilst sitting in the lobby, which I also found to be awesome. I didn’t see anyone around me dropping dead from the fumes…maybe Mexico has it right.

With a small buzz goin’ on I’m lead to my room by my butler and, much like the lobby, it is posh. I won’t bore you with all the details but I will say that pulling back the curtains revealed a balcony with a couch and swinging chair, and the Caribbean ocean and adjoining beach. Not just a view of these features mind you, but the actual features.

I opened the mini-fridge to reveal a nice selection of alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. I thought about drinking a Sprite, but I quickly realized that it is 3:30 pm, I’m in Mexico, and my buzz will go away if I don’t keep drinking. With that in mind I cracked open another Dos Equis and went on my way to explore the resort. My only complaint here is that the mini-fridge doesn’t seem to keep beverages that cold. However, I’m a trooper and I’ve learned if you drink it fast enough, you’ll never notice that it’s warm and so that’s what I do…all…fucking…week.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I sweated alot. I ate a mediocre porterhouse (which they would not cook rare by the way. I like my beef to be bloody but alas they would not accommodate such a request and I don’t know how to say “bloody” in Spanish. I tried mooing but that just got me a weird look) and drank quite a few more beers (I lost count at 9). Somewhere in between I managed to take three or four shots of warm tequila and promptly passed out at a time that I do not recall.

Day one down and so far, so good.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s