For some strange reason, even on vacation, I can’t sleep past 6:30 am. Normally this is all well and good but when one awakes with a terrible, tequila-induced headache, one is not in the best spirits.
Out of bed I rolled, and despite my throbbing temples and the “cat shit in my mouth” taste on my tongue, I threw open the curtains to reveal a sunrise that was obscured by the clouds of the approaching Hurricane Ike. That aside, it was still an awesome site and one that everyone should experience at some point in time.
I made my coffee and headed out to the patio with my beverage to enjoy the ocean view and smoke the first of what would amount to like 500 cigarettes that day. Once you are in flavor country it’s really hard to come back out of it. Judge me if you will, but I like to smoke. Sure it will most likely kill me, but ultimately something has to.
Once on the balcony it took me about 10 minutes to notice the mosquitoes hanging out on the walls. If any of you know me, you would know that this immediately alarmed me. For those of you that don’t, just know that mosquitoes love me. I am a mosquito repellant for those around me. Considering that fact I was naturally a little on edge seeing so many of the little bloodsuckers just hanging out, waiting for a meal. After about another 10 minutes I noticed that I had not been bitten yet. In fact, none of the mosquitoes had moved. I guess they had a long night of drinking too. Lazy bastards. Get up and do something with yourself.
After I had completed my pot of coffee, it was off to breakfast, buffet-style bitches. I suppose I could lodge a huge complaint here, but the buffet got better later in the week. Though on this first day, I didn’t recognize half of what was being served. I can, however, recognize seafood and there was a shitton of it. What is everyone’s facination with seafood? And for breakfast? I don’t get it. Makes me wanna vomit just thinking about it.
After a wholly unsatisfying breakfast, I grabbed beer #1 of the day, got all greased up, and hit the gigantic saltwater pool with the swim up bar. I should’ve probably put sunscreen on right away instead of tanning oil, but hindsight is always 20/20. Once I got acclimated to the pool and grabbed beer #2, I thought I would try out my swimming skills. I don’t fancy myself a very strong swimmer; never have. But I guess I must have been inspired by Michael Phelps because I seemed to greatly improve my aquatic skills. In fact, I would go so far as to say I was very torpedoesque under the water. I even got ballsy and opened my contact covered eyes under water. In addition to behaving like Flipper, I practiced my syncronized swimming skills by perfecting my underwater handstands. I think I’ve been playing the wrong sports my whole life.
For the remainder of the day I hung out in the pool and continued to abuse my liver. It’s amazing how water and alcohol can prevent you from realizing that you have become fried by the Earth’s closest star. After I returned to my room I took a nice long nap, only to wake up and notice that I looked like one of the colors of the American flag. It didn’t hurt too much but I think that’s probably because I was still a little intoxicated. However, the hot shower that followed my nap reminded me that my skin was covered in SPF nothin’ and that hot water+burned skin=OUCH.
No matter…burning skin aside I got dressed in fancy duds and headed out the the resort’s Japanese restaurant. I wasn’t particularly excited about this prospect due to the seafood factor, but I figured worst-case scenario was that if it sucked I would just order a burger from room service and leave the restaurant hungry. We were all seated at one of the Tepanyaki tables, chose our food (beef and duck for me please) and watched the chef tear it up. It was rather interesting to watch my food being cooked, but I couldn’t help but think I was on an episode of Iron Chef or something. It was also rather interesting to see me utilize chopsticks for the first time. It’s no wonder that Asians are always so skinny. My guess is they just give up after a while.
The food was delicious, that was the good part. The bad part was that I was sweating like a fat kid due to the sunburn, the nice clothes, and the scorching heat of the skillet right in front of my face. I wasn’t just perspiring a little bit, I was sweating like I had just run a marathon. And of course the sweat makes my hair wet and then what happens? Poof! Chow head.
I left the restaurant full and sweaty and ready for some more booze. After that it was pretty much a blur. I passed out on the bed and finally woke up at some time that I don’t remember. In my stumbling around I could not figure out how to turn off the desk lamp, so I threw a couple of shirts over it, and the gross top blanket all hotels put on the bed and passed back out.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.