Box of Rocks

Posted: August 21, 2008 in Uncategorized

Our educational system, as a nation, has failed us. How did I come to that conclusion you may ask? Well, take my hand Friends and follow me here.

The other day I decided to do a friend a favor. This friend, who happens to be female, was feeling a bit under the weather and needed someone to go get her some, um, feminine hygiene products. Not the liquid or cream variety mind you but something more preventative in nature. Being that I am a stand up guy, not shy (that rhymes), and always willing to help out a friend in need, I hopped into my vehicle and took a trip to the store. The store that I went to, a local mart with four walls that shall remain nameless, was a bit crowded for a Monday afternoon. Of course, this one store is always horribly crowded with the lower half of the gene pool, but hell, it was close and I was on a mission.

I have no problem buying things for the ladies. Even though I’m a guy, I’m not embarrassed to help someone out. After all, I have no use for vaginal-related products. I know this. You, my dear Reader, most likely know this. However, and that is a big, bold HOWEVER, there are some folks in society that have apparently missed the anatomical boat and are either: A. Just plain stupid; B. Think they are funnier than they actually are; C. Highly confused by the crazy world around them; or D. all of the above (this is my choice if I had to pick).

Having been given explicit instructions as it relates to a style (is there such a thing?) and brand, I grabbed the supplies and headed to the checkout area. Off the path for a second: I was thankful that my buddy wasn’t a frequent user of the scented variety. As I have stated previously, that always freaks me out and I am still baffled by those that find it to be an effective tool in the fight against…well, against whatever (I took the high road here). Okay, now, back on point. I could have easily gone to the self-checkout lane, but considering that I do not shy away from confrontation, I decided to wait in line for a human checker-outer, tampons in hand. One more fork in the road: had I been asked to buy pads I probably would’ve declined out of principle.

I wait in line, and wait and wait. I get a few odd looks from the intellectually challenged folks at the local market, but I ignore them…I was too busy reading a story about the alien baby growing in Kelly Ripa’s belly. Interesting stuff. But I digress. As I goton deck, I placed the goods on the conveyor belt and as is customary, they moved to the front and stop the conveyor belt once they reach the sensor. The person ahead of me finished her business and I stepped up to the plate. And here we go…

The dude checking me out looks to be early 20’s. Definitely not some 16-year old snot-nosed punk. Had he been just a kid I would’ve most likely ignored the following interaction and moved on with my day. As it happens though, he was not a kid. That’s not to say that he was educated of course, but he should have a little more knowledge about life. Jackass (I don’t know his name, sorry kids) grabbed the box of tampons and looks at them for a second. He looked up at me and I smile. He looked back at the box with a very puzzled look on his face, then he looked back at me. I, of course, am still smiling because I already know he is providing me with some worthwhile material. After staring at me for a second, probably because I’m so good looking, he finally decided to speak:

JA: Are these for you?
ME: Yep.
JA: Really?
ME: Yep. Why else would I be buying them?
JA: Aren’t these for girls?
ME: I’ve never bought any for girls. Are they?
JA: I think so.
ME: Hmmm. I’ll have to ask my mom about that.
JA: So, um, what do you…um…
ME: Oh I have really bad diarrhea. Helps keep everything in place
JA: (the look on his face is priceless by the way) Really? I’ve never heard of that.
ME: Yeah. You should try it.
JA: Maybe I will. Do you just…um…
ME: Yep. Right up the butt.
JA: (giggles) Alright I’ll try that.
ME: I think you should. I normally get the scented ones but you were out. You should try those.
JA: I will.

During this time I am trying so hard not to laugh. Like, I think I might have broken a rib and peed my pants a little from trying to hold it in so hard. People can be, and sometimes are, so gullible. To this day, well after I have analyzed the moronic tendencies of society ad nauseam, I am still surprised by how far down the rabbit hole of idiocy some people can go.

I think the best (and funniest) part of all of this is the fact that I have just increased the chances of getting some 20-something dude to stick a tampon up his butt. If I could just be a fly on the wall when he tells his friends about that. Maybe we should rethink mandatory sterilization.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
–Albert Einstein


  1. Molly Jane says:

    Congratulations. You made me laugh.

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