Archive for August, 2008

Inquisitive

Posted: August 25, 2008 in Uncategorized

Follow me here…Camels are from the Middle East. The Middle East is pretty much anti-vagina-anything. A vaginal wedgie is called a camel toe. Who came up with camel toe then?

LongStar

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Box of Rocks

Posted: August 21, 2008 in Uncategorized

Our educational system, as a nation, has failed us. How did I come to that conclusion you may ask? Well, take my hand Friends and follow me here.

The other day I decided to do a friend a favor. This friend, who happens to be female, was feeling a bit under the weather and needed someone to go get her some, um, feminine hygiene products. Not the liquid or cream variety mind you but something more preventative in nature. Being that I am a stand up guy, not shy (that rhymes), and always willing to help out a friend in need, I hopped into my vehicle and took a trip to the store. The store that I went to, a local mart with four walls that shall remain nameless, was a bit crowded for a Monday afternoon. Of course, this one store is always horribly crowded with the lower half of the gene pool, but hell, it was close and I was on a mission.

I have no problem buying things for the ladies. Even though I’m a guy, I’m not embarrassed to help someone out. After all, I have no use for vaginal-related products. I know this. You, my dear Reader, most likely know this. However, and that is a big, bold HOWEVER, there are some folks in society that have apparently missed the anatomical boat and are either: A. Just plain stupid; B. Think they are funnier than they actually are; C. Highly confused by the crazy world around them; or D. all of the above (this is my choice if I had to pick).

Having been given explicit instructions as it relates to a style (is there such a thing?) and brand, I grabbed the supplies and headed to the checkout area. Off the path for a second: I was thankful that my buddy wasn’t a frequent user of the scented variety. As I have stated previously, that always freaks me out and I am still baffled by those that find it to be an effective tool in the fight against…well, against whatever (I took the high road here). Okay, now, back on point. I could have easily gone to the self-checkout lane, but considering that I do not shy away from confrontation, I decided to wait in line for a human checker-outer, tampons in hand. One more fork in the road: had I been asked to buy pads I probably would’ve declined out of principle.

I wait in line, and wait and wait. I get a few odd looks from the intellectually challenged folks at the local market, but I ignore them…I was too busy reading a story about the alien baby growing in Kelly Ripa’s belly. Interesting stuff. But I digress. As I goton deck, I placed the goods on the conveyor belt and as is customary, they moved to the front and stop the conveyor belt once they reach the sensor. The person ahead of me finished her business and I stepped up to the plate. And here we go…

The dude checking me out looks to be early 20’s. Definitely not some 16-year old snot-nosed punk. Had he been just a kid I would’ve most likely ignored the following interaction and moved on with my day. As it happens though, he was not a kid. That’s not to say that he was educated of course, but he should have a little more knowledge about life. Jackass (I don’t know his name, sorry kids) grabbed the box of tampons and looks at them for a second. He looked up at me and I smile. He looked back at the box with a very puzzled look on his face, then he looked back at me. I, of course, am still smiling because I already know he is providing me with some worthwhile material. After staring at me for a second, probably because I’m so good looking, he finally decided to speak:

JA: Are these for you?
ME: Yep.
JA: Really?
ME: Yep. Why else would I be buying them?
JA: Aren’t these for girls?
ME: I’ve never bought any for girls. Are they?
JA: I think so.
ME: Hmmm. I’ll have to ask my mom about that.
JA: So, um, what do you…um…
ME: Oh I have really bad diarrhea. Helps keep everything in place
JA: (the look on his face is priceless by the way) Really? I’ve never heard of that.
ME: Yeah. You should try it.
JA: Maybe I will. Do you just…um…
ME: Yep. Right up the butt.
JA: (giggles) Alright I’ll try that.
ME: I think you should. I normally get the scented ones but you were out. You should try those.
JA: I will.

During this time I am trying so hard not to laugh. Like, I think I might have broken a rib and peed my pants a little from trying to hold it in so hard. People can be, and sometimes are, so gullible. To this day, well after I have analyzed the moronic tendencies of society ad nauseam, I am still surprised by how far down the rabbit hole of idiocy some people can go.

I think the best (and funniest) part of all of this is the fact that I have just increased the chances of getting some 20-something dude to stick a tampon up his butt. If I could just be a fly on the wall when he tells his friends about that. Maybe we should rethink mandatory sterilization.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
–Albert Einstein

LongStar

Sigh

Posted: August 18, 2008 in Uncategorized

Somebody give this dude a clue and some quarters.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/08/17/boxers.bandit.ap/index.html

The depth of idiocy present in some people is not only appauling, it is mildly sad. Natural selection seems to be breaking down when it comes to the human race.

Stupidity-quitters never win and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
–Larry Kersten

LongStar

Old People

Posted: August 16, 2008 in Uncategorized

I guess maybe when you reach a certain age some people feel that it is okay to unleash a wave of nausea upon the general public. While I was partaking of a few alcoholic beverages last night at a local hotspot, I was subjected to something that made me throw up in the my mouth a little bit. Last night must have been Mom & Dad’s night out because this particular location, which is normally a meat market for the 20-30 somethings, was filled with folks in their fifties. Nobody sent me this memo so I was a bit perplexed but I just rolled with it.

Let me tell you that I have no problem mingling with men and women that are my parents age. Sure they are often going through a mid-life crisis, which becomes wholly evident while they are out on the town, but I will generally roll with that too. However, like all of us, I have my limits; my line in the sand if you will. Last night this line was breached. It wasn’t just breached actually, it was raped.

Unless you are Madonna, if you are a woman in your fifties, please do not dance in public, unless you are exclusively around other people your own age. We (the people your kid’s age) do not want to see it. We especially do not want to see it under the following circumstances:

  • You’ve been drinking
  • You are dancing with one of your girlfriends
  • You are dancing to a song that shouldn’t be danced to
  • You are squeezed into an outfit that wouldn’t fit over my thigh
  • You are ugly
  • You are a swinger
  • You can’t really dance
  • Your glasses tint over automatically when the light gets bright
  • Did I mention in public?

I promise you that NOBODY wants to see this. Ever. EVER! Spare us all the nausea and nightmares and keep it at your swinger’s club or in the confines of your own home. Great. I just threw up again. Thanks lady.

I think I’m gonna hurl!
–Garth Algar

LongStar

Bring…it…ON!

Posted: August 15, 2008 in Uncategorized

It’s almost here. Football season. The best five months of the year. Summer changes to fall, and fall changes to winter. The bugs go away and spending a weekend locked inside, hypnotized by the glare of the television becomes socially acceptable. What’s not to love?

Many of us toil through seven months of athletic boredom just to get to this point. We suffer through the NBA. We suffer through 100 something games of Major League Baseball (162 games plus playoffs in all, but by the time we get to that point we are basking in the glow of football). We suffer through the joke that is the Arena Football League (let’s be honest, nobody suffers through it, we suffer around it). And this year, we must suffer through the Olympics, hosted by our friends the cheating Chinese. But when August comes along, and the season begins to ramp up to its first act, all the suffering seems worth it, and clearly becomes a figment of our imagination in the rear view mirror that is hindsight.

I am particularly excited this year. Well, let me clarify that. I am particularly excited for the NFL season, but mildly nervous for the college football season. After watching my Texas Longhorns lose to Kansas State, and the loathed Texas A&M Faggies over the past two years, my confidence has been shaken. This year could be especially difficult due to games against Kansas and Missouri. If the Longhorns were to lose both of those games, due to my geographical location, I might as well crawl under a rock and start sucking my thumb.

But then there is the NFL and my beloved Dallas Cowboys. Ahhh, the NFL…a real man’s game. Much better than cricket or shuffleboard, and certainly a million times better than the thuggish joke of the NBA. I enjoy watching any NFL game, at anytime. Call it obsession if you will but I was raised on it, and if I ever have children, they will be too. I bleed Cowboy Blue. It’s true. Slice my arm and find out. Because of this I have spent the last seven months not only longing for the return of football season, but stewing over the loss to the New York Giants in the playoffs. I have spent the last seven months stewing over a bogus pass interference call; over a dropped pass by Patrick Crayton; over the constant distraction that is Jessica Simpson.

All is well now though. My stewing is done and a fresh start has arrived. My man-crush on Tony Romo has been renewed and my confidence is sky-high. The Giants will suck. The Eagles will falter. The Redskins will stumble. And the Cowboys will win the Super Bowl. Crack open a keg and let the drinking begin.

Baseball is what we were. Football is what we have become.
–Mary McGrory

LongStar

Friday Fun

Posted: August 15, 2008 in Uncategorized

One of my little, um, quirks if you will, is my ability to make up words to existing songs. While I have absolutely no musical talent otherwise, I seem to be able to poach off other artist’s rhythm and syllabic construction in order to create an amusing parody. I would not say that I have the same skills as the legendary “Weird” Al Yankovic, but I firmly believe that I have at least some talent when it comes to writing a funny tune.

I was in the car yesterday and I happened across “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. It had been a long time since I had been subjected to that musical abomindation. About halfway through the torture that is that awful, awful song, I had an epiphany. I must admit that my excitement was palpable. When I got home I sat down at my computer, playing this tune over and over and came up with some solid lyrics. Before you read on (Mom), you must be advised that the lyrics I have constructed are rather dirty, and taken from the point of view of Rick Astley being a homosexual (sidebar: I always thought he was gay, but Wikipedia says he is not. Go figure).

Pull the song up on Youtube…come back to this page, and sing along. I have entitled my version, “Never Gonna Lick Your Butt.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOU8GIRUd_g

We’re no strangers to butts
You’ve got a weiner, and so do I
A super blowjob’s what I’m thinkin’ of
I wouldn’t get this from any other guy

I just wanna make you suck my penis
Wanna make you pump your hand

Never gonna lick your butt
Never gonna make you frown
Never gonna lick your brown eye and hurt you
Never gonna lick your thigh
Never gonna make you wide
Never gonna pull it out and squirt you

We’ve had a hard on for so long
Your weiner’s aching
But you’re too shy to say it
Inside you we know that’s what’s going wrong
I’ll pull it out and you can play with it

And if you ask me ’bout my penis
I’ll tell you it is time to see

Never gonna lick your butt
Never gonna make you frown
Never gonna lick your brown eye and hurt you
Never gonna lick your thigh
Never gonna make you wide
Never gonna pull it out and squirt you


Lick your butt, lick your butt
Lick your butt, lick your butt
Never gonna lick
Never gonna lick, lick your butt
Never gonna lick
Never gonna lick, lick your butt


I just wanna make you suck my penis
Gonna make you pump your hand

Never gonna lick your butt
Never gonna make you frown
Never gonna lick your brown eye and hurt you
Never gonna lick your thigh
Never gonna make you wide
Never gonna pull it out and squirt you

Never gonna lick your butt
Never gonna make you frown
Never gonna lick your brown eye and hurt you
Never gonna lick your thigh
Never gonna make you wide
Never gonna pull it out and squirt you

Never gonna lick your butt
Never gonna make you frown
Never gonna lick your brown eye and hurt you
Never gonna lick your thigh
Never gonna make you wide
Never gonna pull it out and squirt you

Before you state the obvious, I am well aware that the preceding lyrics were insanely dirty and probably made no sense. But they fit the beat and made you giggle, and that’s the most important thing.

Parody is homage gone sour
–Brendan Gill

LongStar

What happens when…?

Posted: August 14, 2008 in Uncategorized

According to the U.S. Census bureau, by 2050, “minorities” will make up the majority of the population in the United States. This little stat, while no surprise, got me to thinking about that fact and prompted me to pose the following question: what happens when non-Hispanic Caucasians (i.e.–white people) are no longer the majority in this country? It is certainly an interesting question to pose, albeit a controversial one. News outlets won’t talk about this fact, and you, my dear Reader, most likely will not discuss it openly with your non-white friends and colleagues. I, however, do not feel the need to shy away from such a discussion because it is an interesting topic.

Obviously the world is not going to end when whites are no longer the majority in the country. Considering our open borders, the alarming rate that Hispanics reproduce, and the state of affairs in Latin countries such as Cuba and Mexico, it should come as no surprise that Hispanics will make up a good majority of the population in the U.S. (I would say “citizens” but that’s a conversation for another day). I have no problem with this fact and I do not think it changes our country much, so long as we continue to remain the “land of the free.” We (white, black, green, blue, pink, whatever) should have no problem with the cultural make up of our country if the majority of the people in this country are productive and responsible members of society. That aside, as a white guy, there are many things that are currently in play, and directed towards whites, that should go away when we are no longer the majority (sidebar here: they should go away anyway, but more argument can be made for these changes when whites are no longer seen as the “dominant” race in the country).

Here are the things that pique my curiosity:

  • Affirmative action–this is geared towards giving “minorities” a better shot at a higher education. While I agree that it is well intended, it can be viewed as an entirely racist policy. When whites are no longer the majority, do whites get affirmative action protection?
  • “You owe me” syndrome–will we finally forget about the events of 150-200 years ago (i.e.-slavery) and move forward in a positive manner? When whites are no longer the majority, is it possible that other races could put the events of the past behind them and stop feeling entitled to something simply because of something done by a bunch of ignorant fucks centuries ago? And let’s be honest, there is a silver lining here. While there is no doubt that slavery was a dark time for our country, would our country be as diverse without it? Forgive, but never forget, but at the same time, get over it.
  • “Poor me” syndrome–everyone is in charge of his or her own destiny. I don’t care what the color of your skin is or the cards you are dealt, the choices you make as an individual, as a human being, are ultimately up to you. When whites are the minority in this country, will they stopped being blamed for “holding down” other races? Will people of various races take responsibility for their lives and stop grasping at straws for blame? When a finger points it eventually points back to you.
  • Guns, drugs, gangs, and death–when whites are no longer the majority, will the segments of the population, which will now be the majority, seek to find solutions to the problems that have plagued these segments for decades? Let’s not mince words here, and if I offend someone I don’t care, but will the blacks get the gun, drug, gang, and subsequent death situation under control? Will Hispanics do the same? Or will they continue to kill each other until they are no longer the majority? There will come a point where you cannot blame it on another segment of the population (whites) and police it from within. Yes, I know it’s a stereotype. Get over it. It’s a stereotype for a reason. Overcome it. Make it a thing of the past.
  • The South–Alabama, Mississippi. and all the other ass backwards, Confederate flag flying states, will you finally wake up and understand that other races are people too? Will you finally understand that they, like you and your three teeth, your sisterly wife, and third grade education, are Americans and deserve to live life to the fullest, without being called names of course? Or do we need to round all of you up and ship you off to a deserted island to incestuously procreate? I could see it happening so you better shape up.

It is an interesting reality that we will face in the next 40 years, and not something we should be afraid of. At the same time, it should not be something we should fear discussing. Ultimately, 40 years from now, race and skin color should be a thing of the past and the words “color blind” should take on new meaning. If it does not, we are doomed to repeat the history of the past, except white people will be on the other end of the stick. Remember, it is “One Nation, Under God,” not “One Race, Under God.”

The relationship between races has been give and take for too long. It’s high time we turn it into a give and give relationship. This will start with responsibility, for all individuals, no matter the skin color.

All right, we’ll give some land to the niggers and chinks, but we DON’T WANT THE IRISH!
–Olson Johnson

(By the way, that quote is from Blazing Saddles and the genius that is Mel Brooks. So before you rape my email address with hate mail for the words chosen, rent the movie, watch it, absorb the message, and laugh.)

LongStar