It’s Been a While

Posted: July 29, 2008 in Uncategorized

Geez, I didn’t realize it had been so long since I posted something. I had been in the midst of personal improvement so my time had been preciously short. But, my friends, my spare time has been returned to me for the next 7 weeks and I am hoping I can post some visual nuggets of goodness for your entertainment.

I have lots to say. Unfortunately, I don’t write things down when I think of them and because of the amount of drugs I did in my 20s, I tend to forget them. The great Stephen King always said that his best ideas are the ones that stuck with him after he initially thought of them, and the ones that left quickly weren’t worth a shit (I’m paraphrasing of course). I’ve always thought that sounded good so I’ll go with that. Forget what I said about drugs.

During the summer, I like to wear wife-beaters. Not only do they help keep me cool, but it keeps me close to my Whiskey Tango Texan roots. Nothing looks better, in my opinion, than shorts, flip-flops, my tat covered arms, a cowboy hat, and a wife beater. The tats tell people that I’m tough, while the rest of the look confuses me with a country musician. I like to think of it as the “rockstar cowboy” look. Most people tend to assume that, with the look I just described, I enjoy country music. Nothing could be further than the truth. I would rather gouge myself with a thousand razorblades, roll in salt, cover myself in gasoline, and light myself on fire than listen to country music. I will concede that female country music starlets are pretty damn hot, but their singing sounds like a siren song of death and it makes me nauseous. I would compare the nausea to that of eating salmonella infested chicken wings…if I can avoid it, I will.

Beyond making me look super awesome, wife-beaters perplex me. The first and most obvious point of confusion is the name itself, “wife-beater.” I know plenty of people that wear them, girls included, that don’t beat their wives (or husbands). It just seems like a weird name for a piece of apparel. Honestly, if I had a wife to beat, I would probably use my belt. By that token, it seems like we could call a belt a “wife-beater.” Beating one’s wife with a tiny t-shirt doesn’t seem like it would be a very effective disciplinary tool. Of course, if you soaked the shirt in hot water and used it like a whip it might cause a little discomfort, but that seems like an awful lot of work when you can just pull off your belt and do a little Indiana Jones action.

My primary point of confusion behind the wife-beater is the shirt’s functional place in the male wardrobe. True it is a fashion coup in and of itself, but beyond that, what is its purpose? We all know it is an undershirt by design, which is why you have to buy them in the underwear section at Target. This fact considered, how effective is the wife-beater is an undershirt? As a guy, one of the reasons we wear undershirts is to keep your outer shirt from being all pitted out with sweat rings. A wife beater does not accomplish this. The only thing from an undershirt standpoint that I can see it accomplishing is acting like a girdle of sorts. Wife-beaters are typically really tight and therefore might help to keep a little of the male blubber in one place. In fact, I think most guys see the ineffectiveness of the wife-beater in that capacity, with the exception of the fat old guy that pulls off his dress shirt and parades around in his wife-beater, hairy chest and dress pants after a hard day of selling shoes door-to-door. That particular look is so offensive that it should be a felony.

Life’s mysteries continue to grow. I’ll ask about the purpose of the wife-beater at the pearly gates. It’s good to be back.

What a deformed thief this fashion is.
–William Shakespeare

LongStar

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Comments
  1. Undershirt says:

    Hi Longstar,Funny post about wifebeaters and pretty timely. I just ran across another article about wifebeaters and made mention of it on my undershirt blog (http://www.undershirtguy.com).Based on what you wrote, I’m pretty sure you’ll really enjoy it.Here’s a link directly to the post on my site: http://www.undershirtguy.com/2008/07/22/the-wifebeater-undershirt-would-the-world-be-better-off-without-it/Take care,TUG

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