Bite Me

Posted: July 2, 2008 in Uncategorized

As I have mentioned time and time again, I currently reside in the Midwest. Prior to my arriving at my current home, I have lived along the coast, and in Texas, most of my life. Both the state of Texas and anywhere along the coast, as you may well know, are havens for mosquitoes. This year, due to the copious amount of rain that we have received, we too have an overabundance of my mortal enemies.

My entire life I have been a magnet for mosquitoes. I often joke that (and it really is no joke), when you are around me, you do not need a mosquito repellant because they are all going to come after me. I could be wearing a full iron body suit and be dipped in DEET and they would still find a way to suck my blood and give me whelps. My mom always said it was because I was so sweet, but I think that’s a load of crap, both in the figurative and literal sense. My skin does not taste sweet as I am not a diabetic and everyone knows I am far from sweet (most of the time) personality wise. My lack of answers as to why mosquitoes across the globe find me so delicious has often frustrated me and I have long resigned myself to the fact that, during the warm months, I am going to look like I have chicken pox.

This morning, however, I thought I had found a ray of hope. While perusing the internet I came across a story on Yahoo! entitled, “Why are some people more prone to mosquito bites?” Now, normally I don’t take the time to watch little clips on the Internet while at work, but considering that this story could provide me with the answers I have been seeking for so very long, I thought I would give it a shot.

Before I summarize my disappointment with this story, let me first preface it by saying that news people are full of crap. The piece presented stated the obvious: some people do in fact get bitten more than others. I appreciate the set up and I have no problem with this statement, what I do have a problem with, however, is the “tips” the news show gave for avoiding mosquito bites if you are prone to mosquito magnetism and some reasons for this affliction.

  1. Size–he says the bigger you are, the more you are going to get bit. I disagree with this. I am only about 5’8″, which in my book, is not vary large and I am by no means chunky monkey. That’s about as stupid as saying, “bigger people have more skin.” Well, duh. Next.
  2. Heat–his theory is that if you put off more heat you get bit more often. Well, I might have to agree with this one. I am pretty hot and that would explain why I get bit no matter what I am doing.
  3. Smell–do mosquitoes have noses? This one was tied into sense of taste as well, saying if you smell good, you taste good, and therefore mosquitoes want to bite you. Am I a McDonald’s? I don’t believe this one. I think I could coat myself in dog shit and they would still come after me (note to self–weekend experiment).
  4. Moisture–people who sweat more get bit more. Man, this guy really doesn’t like fat people huh? Jack ass. Again, I don’t have to be sweating to get eaten alive. I’m calling bullshit on this one as well.
  5. Movement–again, bullshit. I could be standing perfectly still like one of those creepy models at the mall and they would swarm to me like salmon of Capastrano.
  6. Going outside right after a meal–okay, we are grasping at straws here. So you are telling me that not only am I unable to swim right after a meal, I should avoid being outside all together? Anorexics take note for next time tries to knock you for being skinny…
  7. Alcohol consumption attracts mosquitoes–it also attracts ugly women.
  8. Wearing dark solids–so by this token, goth kids and African Americans should really be a favorite of mosquitoes. I am neither so again, caca.
  9. Dark hair–okay, I have blonde hair and they still love me. I guess everyone really does like blondes.
  10. Women are more likely to get bit mid-menstral cycle–you guys just don’t have it easy at all, huh? Babies, shaving under arms, perpetual bleeding, and mosquitoes that love a chick on the rag. Sorry ladies.

The story ended by saying that mosquitoes will travel up to 30 miles for a good meal. I guess that’s kind of like living on the outskirts Los Angeles too. My question is, how the hell does anyone know this? It seems rather difficult to tag a mosquito and, to my knowledge, I don’t know of any mosquitoes that interact with humans in such a way that has the mosquito admitting, “yeah, when I’m really hungry, I go into the city to eat. That’s where all the fat, drunk, sweaty, brunette goth kids live.” I think most mosquitoes would be happy with the meal they are getting right in my backyard.

I wonder if eating garlic would ward off mosquitoes just as it does vampires…they are both bloodsuckers after all.

Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
–Jack Handy



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