Posted: June 23, 2008 in Uncategorized

What the holy fuck is “anti-monkey butt powder?” I posed this question to myself not five minutes ago as I came across an ad for a product called, creatively enough, Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. So I guess the better question is, what the holy fuck is Monkey Butt (is this a proper noun? I think it is so I’ll refer to it as such).

Apparently somebody named a chapped, sweaty ass “Monkey Butt” for some reason unbeknownest to me, hence the creation of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. Is Monkey Butt the medical term for this affliction? If it is, I do not think it is properly named. Correct me if I’m wrong (which I’m not), but I don’t think monkeys get sweaty, chapped asses from riding on some sort of conveyance (motorcycle, bike, mechanical bull, whatever) . They might, however, get “Monkey Butt” from eating too many bananas and the explosive diarrhea that may follow, but I would think that is called hemorrhoids.

Wait…hold on…the online description of Monkey Butt…

“To start, it’s not always called ‘monkey butt.’ It depends on what region of the country you’re in, and how the sport you participate in has tagged the condition. For motorcycle riders who DO call it ‘monkey butt,’ it’s a blue collar term used by riders to describe the soreness, itching and redness that occurs when you ride and sweat on a motorcycle for hours. If your butt is so sore that you have to walk bowlegged like a monkey, you have Monkey Butt!”

Bowlegged? Is that why they call it Monkey Butt? Well, by that token, I would figure you could call it Slut Butt too because, as we all heard when we were growing up, sluts were known for being bowlegged. That aside, Monkey Butt (or Slut Butt) sure sounds a lot like hemorrhoids to me, or am I reading too much into it? I mean, we call public lice “crabs,” so it would appear that Monkey Butt is really just nasty case of the ‘roids, prettied up to be called something a bit more catchy. I guess it worked because, after all, I am blogging about Monkey Butt and Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. Is there nothing more genius that advertising?

On a side note, I challenge each of you to call the next stranger you meet Monkey Butt and email me with his or her reaction. Yet another fun activity for the bar scene (though I would keep it confined to a yuppie bar, just to avoid being shot or shanked with a shiv).

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
–George Carlin (1937-2008)



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