Posted: June 23, 2008 in Uncategorized


For those of you that follow my adventures, you know that last week I fictionally reviewed a fictional pornographic film ( I gained considerable enjoyment while doing so, and considering that I am always looking to up my stock on the scale of marketable employment, I did submit said fictional pornographic review to non-fictional job posting in hopes that the employer would look past the fictional nature and would see deep into my soul of utter seriousness. I am sad to report that they must have been blinded by my use of the word “vagina” and it would appear, my friends, that I do not have the write stuff (pun intended) for the job. Here is the reply I received:

Dear LongStar,

Thank you for your submission to _____ (I decided not to name the publication here in order to avoid any legal entanglements). At this time, we do not feel that you are a good fit for the staff at _____. While we enjoyed your submission, it does not fit the needs of ______ at this time.

We encourage all of those that make submissions to _______ provide further submissions at a later date if you feel as though you have become further qualified for the Film Reviewer position at _______. Should our needs change in the near future, or a position opens that is more suited to your writing style, we will be in contact.

Thank you again for taking the time to submit your movie review and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.


Dave ______
Staff Editor

Wow, thanks Dave. Talk about a swift kick in the testicles. I feel totally blue-balled right now and I’m reliving my Senior Prom all over again…you get so close to the vag just to be cockblocked by a man with a gun and a dog. I guess I’m not sure where I missed the mark with my movie review…was it the fact that the movie was fictional? Was it my use of clinical terms? Was it the fact that I wrote it in five minutes whilst eating an apple and drinking a Diet Sunkist? Who knows really,but I won’t let it deter me. I will continue to write falsified reviews of fictional pornographic pictures until somebody, somewhere takes me seriously and gives me a “real” job.

Until then, the company that shot me down can sit on this \llll and rotate.

I’m serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
–Leslie Nielsen



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