Career Move

Posted: June 20, 2008 in Uncategorized

A near and dear friend of mine, affectionately named The Otter, provided me with something off of CraigsList the other day in an effort to help me spread my literary wings and find new outlets for my creative endeavors. It was, as you will see, a job posting. This is what said posting contained:

Freelance Writers Wanted (Virtual)
Freelance writers needed to do porn movie reviews. If interested in writing about adult movies respond to this email to get more information. Compensation varies depending on how many reviews you write.

I about fell out of my chair when I read this, and I thought it could be right up my alley. However, as you can imagine, I have never written a review for a porn movie, much less watched one all the way through (who has? They’re called “money shots” for a reason). Considering that I am always on the look out for a fun activity during my downtime, I thought it might be amusing to try my hand (no pun intended) at writing a porn movie review, with a few stipulations of course. The guidelines I set myself for this review are as follows:

  • It would be a movie that I have never seen and therefore my interpretation of this movie would be completely fictionalized
  • Instead of using explicit words to describe the “action,” I would use clinical terms; you know, just to make it more hot.
  • I would write it in one sitting and would do no research prior to this undertaking.

Check, check, and check. Enough with the set up and on with the show….

V for Vagina


In his second installment of the “Vagina Trilogy,” directory Harry Johnson (The Vagina Monolicks, Mayflower Sluts 34) seeks to recapture the magic of The Vagina Monolicks with V for Vagina. While Johnson’s effort is mildly valiant in regards to production values, he unfortunately falls well short in his third directorial effort.

The premise, as one can imagine, is based loosely on the Hollywood smash hit V for Vendetta. Set in Los Angeles (surprise!) somewhere in the future, the story follows hero Bill Rockwood (played by 2005 AVN Actor of the Year Buck Thrust) as he attempts to liberate society from the perils of celibacy. The only weapons at his disposal are his bulging muscles, and of course, his 10-inch penis. During his quest for a more Hedonistic society, he stumbles across a young and intercourse-starved widow, known only as “V” (played by newcomer Britney Smears). After some fairly formulaic and cut-filled intercourse, complete with filtered shots and strange lighting, the two team up to go from home to home, office to office, in order to re-infect society with sexual freedom.

No film would be complete without an antagonist, and standing in Rockwood and V’s way are villians John Cannon (Harry LePenis) and Celibate Cindy (Val Gina) and they will will stop at nothing to ensure that our heroes are foiled in their plans to bring sex back to Los Angeles. Cannon and Cindy stay one step ahead of Rockwood and V by placing chastity belts on those that maybe liberated by this not-so-dynamic duo. Chastity belts are no match for Rockwood’s magical sword and 84 minutes later, we find our heroes and villians dueling it out between the sheets.

Director Harry Johnson, who also wrote the film, produces corny and often stiff dialogue, and the cinematogrophy is shaky. Many times I felt as though Johnson was attempting to take attention away from the poor writing with outrageous film techniques, instead of attempting to take attention away via solid scenes of intercourse. The filming was so poor that even the close ups of the actors penises and vaginas irritates the viewer, and the ejaculatory shots leave a lot to be desired.

The only saving grace of V for Vagina, if there is one, is the obvious chemistry between Thrust and Smears, and one can hope that this on-screen chemistry will be duplicated in a more respectable film some time in the near future. Thrust makes every attempt to make the best of the poor dialogue, and Smears uses her assets to help draw attention to her in a scene and not the dialogue. She seems to thoroughly enjoy the insertion of Thrust’s penis into her vagina and provides fellatio that makes the viewer wonder, “where did she learn that?” Unfortunately, Thrust and Smears are not in every scene so the viewer will often find the fast-forward button being put to good use, and not just to get to the “money shots.”

All in all, V for Vagina is not worth the time or energy of a masturbatory session. If you are looking for a worthwhile film to rent this weekend, might I suggest The Vagina Monolicks, which looks to be the pinnacle of Johnson’s directorial career.

1 out of 5 weiners.

Considering that I have never reviewed a movie in print before, much less a fictional pornography, I thought I did pretty well. So well in fact that I decided to email this composition to the person that posted that ad on CraigsList. Hopefully he or she or they will write me back (unlike Jose Canseco, delta), and if they do, I’ll be sure to post it for our mutual amusement.

Hey baby, want some Adam West penis?
–Adam West

LongStar

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Comments
  1. sex4cash says:

    I’ll make sure to avoid this fictional movie! WAY TO GO &#@! OMG, almost said your name!! muahahahahahah

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