Faux Pas

Posted: June 2, 2008 in Uncategorized

The last couple of days have been foggy to say the least. I will tell you from personal experience that the rabbit hole (lions and tigers and bears, oh my) is indeed as deep as would think it is and it is best if you carry a flashlight (or a gun) on your journey (trip)…we’ll just leave it at that.

Shall we talk about apparel? Admittedly, I do not fancy myself as some sort of…fashinisto if you will, though I like to think I am pretty hip for a guy. I keep up with the trends and do my best to look like a rockstar whenever I can. And while I am no Paris Hilton (I am quite a shoe-whore however), I think I can speak intelligently about some things a person should not do with his or her clothing selections. Personally I don’t care what you do within the confines of your four walls, but when you take it to the streets it becomes a problem for me and others in society.

Let’s talk about guys first. I hate to throw my fellow brethren under the bus, but I have stood idle too long and watched my fellow dudes give the rest of us non-gay, yet fashionable, guys a bad rap. I will gladly look the other way with oversized t-shirts, and even flip flops with socks, but there is one thing, in the year 2008, that drives me to drink: tapered jeans. Yes, tapered jeans. I know, I know, some women are guilty for wearing these abominations of denim, but with guys I think it is especially nauseating. Moreover, who thinks tapered jeans with tennis shoes (or Timberlands) is a good idea? Raise your hand if you think that looks awesome. Nobody? Don’t be shy…if you are bold enough to buck the system by holding onto a trend from the 1970’s you should be bold enough to raise your hand in exception to my bashing of tapered jeans.

Fellas, come on now…they are just…they are just awful. You are losing some serious bonus points with the ladies, not to mention you look like you are waiting for Noah if you ever wear flip flops. Try some boot cut jeans…OR, if that’s a little too much flare for you, how about some standard straight cut jeans? Your shoes, as well as the rest of us, will thank you (unless you are trying to lose some cankle weight by sweating it off with tapered jeans, and if that’s the case, keep on keepin’ on good buddy).

Ladies, you’re next. It is no secret that we, as men, love you in tight pants. Tight jeans, tight skirts, tight whatever. It’s one of the things that attracts us to you and keeps this circle of life rolling along. That aside, and I don’t mean to sound rude here (yes I do), if you are going to wear something tight around the backside, you should be cognizant of panty lines. I think I just heard guys everywhere scream HALLELUJAH (I don’t mind stepping up to the plate dudes). Panty lines + tight jeans = turned off…I promise you. You can have the best ass this side of the Mississippi, but if you decided to go out wearing your granny panties and that skin tight black skirt that all the boys love so much, heads will turn the other way. Try wearing a thong, or better yet, go commando (do they call no undies for girls “going commando?” I know I can’t call it free ballin’, unless you are one of those… but whatever).

Now, I know what you are going to say, and I have a solution for that: if Aunt Flo is in town, maybe it’s not the brightest idea to wear something tight anyway. Bloating has a way of making you look misshapen (tight pants highlights that and further damages your delicate psyches) and furthermore, if you are single, and riding the crimson wave, and meet a guy because of your fantastic butt squeezed into those fantastic jeans, and decide to go home with said guy, only to break out the monthly chastity belt, well, that’s just plain mean. In situations like that, I would say stick with a dress, or sweatpants. And ladies, before you get your panties in a bunch (pun intended), and say I don’t know what it’s like, I have had enough female friends and girlfriends in my lifetime to know EXACTLY what it is like (high five guys).

I think I was fair…bash the dudes a little, bash the ladies a little…it’s all in good fun. Hopefully society just got a little richer today and that the hate mail is rerouted to my spam box.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die
–Mr. Garrison



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