Te-quil-a Mockingbird

Posted: May 22, 2008 in Uncategorized

(Writer’s note: Now might be a good time to either shuffle the kids from the room or cover their ears.)

Holy fuckballs Batman! I think I am still drunk this morning. I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to go pounding beer and shots of God knows what on a Wednesday night; it’s a school night for God’s sake! I seem to be swimming in a sea of beer and what I presume to be tequila this morning and if I could crawl under a rock and die I would most certainly do so. I think I have tendonitis in my middle finger from shooting the bird all morning. Why do people feel it is necessary to drive like fucking morons when I am hungover (or in this case still drunk)? Why does Microsoft Word not recognize “hungover” as a real word? It recognizes shit and fuck and piss and cock as real words, and those are the cream of the cuss word crop. Fucking Bill Gates. I hate you. I hope you die.

Speaking of dying, I navigated my way into work during some really nasty thunderstorms. While I was walking from my car to the door, I couldn’t help but wish that the lightning that was flashing all around me would find its way down to me and put me out of my misery. Normally on a morning like this I would say “thank God for McDonald’s,” but alas, I cannot. While McDonald’s was delicious this morning and just what the doctor ordered, somebody forgot to tell numb-nuts at the drive-thru to put my lid on all the way. So because Mr. I-make-3.50-an-hour-because-I-can’t-finish-high-school can’t do something as simple as securing a plastic lid on a plastic cup, I have acquired Dr. Pepper all over my shirt this morning. That is why, my good friend, you will always work at McDonald’s. Eat shit cocksucker.

Anyway…bitch and moan and groan, that’s about all I can do this morning. Maybe I should go back home and get some more sleep…fuck if I know. I have a very strong feeling that my ass is going to feel like I just got out of prison later today. I need to get a cork.

Enough is enough. I need to go find the cat. What cat you may ask? The cat that shit in my mouth.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
–Cartman


LongStar

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