Posted: May 6, 2008 in Uncategorized

I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw something that piqued my interest. It is something we have all seen a thousand times before, but we don’t openly question it, we just accept it as fact. Being that I like to at least make an attempt to unravel some of life’s great mysteries, I feel that is only right that I talk through this and see if I can’t get to the root of the issue.

There was this guy…hold on, let me back up and preface this by first saying I have a full head of hair. Okay, now that that is out of the way, let me continue. There was this guy. Big guy, roundish…looked to be foreign (and by foreign I mean non-American)…maybe Middle Eastern or something of the like. This guy had hair on the side of his head, you know the type that acts like leg warmers for your skull, but none on top. No big deal I suppose, many men are subjected to the perils of male pattern baldness. As I admired his shiny bald scalp, I couldn’t help but notice that it looked as though he was hiding a poodle in his shirt. Not a large poodle, but maybe a black puppy poodle. In addition to whatever he was hiding in his shirt, his arms seemed as though they had black shag carpet glued to this. Long story short, this Michael Foxtrot was hairy…REALLY hairy…except for the top of his head.

Why is that you think? I mean, not medically of course, but just “why?” When I think back on all the hairy dudes I have come across, it seems quite common that many of them are bald. Couple that with the fact that I am not very hairy from a body hair standpoint, but have a nice full head of 30-something hair, and it makes you wonder. Does the hair on these unlucky, scalp-balding souls just decide to retire and migrate south, where the weather is warmer? Or does the body just not allow for a certain amount of hair, thus taking away the oldest hair on the body via euthanasia? I’m perplexed. One would figure that you could transplant some of this surplus of poodle hair, I mean body hair, and sod the scalp, thereby filling in the spots. Add a little water and POOF, you have hair (Ch Ch Ch Chia). Though, admittedly, if this were a real procedure we would have far too many afros on people that probably should not have afros.

If I had a bald head but an otherwise hairy body, I think I would have a little heart-to-heart with God and try to bargain my way into a new head of hair. I think most of these dudes would trade body hair for scalp hair. On second thought, maybe not…maybe being hairy defines them and makes them who they are, much like my nice, lustrous head of hair makes me who I am…this nice head of hair that covers my whole skull and people admire and want to touch. No, I can understand how body hairy might be more appealing. I’m sure the ladies really like it, especially the ladies with a Sasquatch fetish. I don’t think I really got to the root of the issue hair (all pun intended), but hopefully I at least made you look at ultra-hairy guys in a new light. Next time you see one, offer your condolences for the loss of his (or her) head hair, and in the same breath, compliment him on his (or her) body hair; doing this will ensure that all your bases are covered (in hair) and that all egos remain intact.

Pardon my French, but you’re an asshole
–Cameron Frye



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