Note to Parents

Posted: April 28, 2008 in Uncategorized

I have two words for parents today, and while I am not a parent myself, I do not feel that I should have to hold these two words back any longer. The two nouns that I present to you today are this: hairbrush and washcloth. You may be asking yourself, what do these two words have to do with parents? Well my friends let me paint you a picture.

Have you ever been out and about and been subjected to wild, unkempt children? You know, the kind of children that look like they rolled straight out of Lord of the Flies and are wandering the mall (or grocery store) looking for bark or roots to eat. As a non-parent I, perhaps, may not be able to understand why anyone in their right mind would leave the house with their kids looking as though they fell off the nasty train. I don’t really know how quick children are and maybe they successfully elude their parents and are only coaxed into an automobile with promises of candy and unicorns. Once coaxed into said automobile, no hairbrush or washcloth is available, so the parents just live with the fact that their children look like they are from a 3rd world nation with no running water.

While I wish to believe the above scenario is true, you and I, my trusty Reader, both know this is not true. It is because of the fictionality (new word) of my play-by-play above that I present the offending parents with the suggestion of hairbrush and washcloth. Just because you (parent) choose to live the Whiskey Tango lifestyle does not mean that you should ruin your child’s chance at a productive, non-teenage-pregnancy filled life before it even gets a chance to get going. We all know damn well that you can see your children and what they look like and with that, when do you find it acceptable to leave the house and enter public domain with bird’s nest-hair and a face caked with snot, dirt, and popsicle residue? If you wish let your kid run wild within the walls of your trailer, so be it, but don’t make the rest of us nauseous…please, save us from that little visual gem.

There are, as I see it, five situations when I would consider kids in such a state, in public, in the Western world, to be socially acceptable. They are:

1. The parents are blind
2. The parents have no arms or legs
3. The kid (or kids) possess Drew Barrymore-Firestarter powers
4. The kid (or kids) melt when touched by water
5. You live on a commune

(Oh, and while we are at it, why don’t you control them after you clean them. I’m sure the folks at Wal-Mart would appreciate not having EVERY SINGLE TOY thrown all over the store and infected with kid cooties.)

Self respect is taught a very young age. If you allow your rapscallions to subject the rest of the world with their nastiness then they will forever not give two shits about themselves and are forever destined to continue the pattern of the ubergrodiness that you taught them at such a formidable age. Whiskey Tango behavior is cyclical…let’s break the cycle by trying out a hairbrush and washcloth on the spawns of Satan you call children.

Cleanliness is indeed next to Godliness
–John Wesley


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