Posted: April 23, 2008 in Uncategorized

Good evening once again my friendly Readers. You may be wondering why I have taken yet another hiatus and, well, truth be told, I didn’t really have anything to say. Perhaps we could equate it to some sort of writer’s block, or perhaps I have some sort of worm in my brain stealing all of my creative thoughts. Strike that, if it is a worm cozying up in my gray matter, it is merely stealing my funny thoughts, not my creative thoughts. But I digress…

Before I get into my topic of choice, I am curious about one thing (well, I’m curious about lots of things, but I’ll pace myself here): why do your ears get so dirty? Ever thought about that? I clean my ears religiously…soap, towel, rag, Q-Tips, beef tips, pencil tips, all sorts of tips really…but they are always dirty at the end of the day. Is this just isolated to me? I sincerely hope not because I might see a doctor if it is. I’m sure they have a syndrome for it; I mean, they have a syndrome for older women that develop aches and pains whilst getting older, or when you sit down too much and your legs get pissed off about becoming atrophied. I don’t see why we can’t have a dirty ear syndrome (though I think we should come up with a more creative name, but that worm is keeping me from reaching an epiphany on the subject). Back to the issue at hand…I wonder if being around people that cuss all of the time (dirty words) affect the cleanliness of your ears (dirty ears). I don’t fucking know and I’ll sure as fuck probably never find out (unless I get a government research grant), so fuck it…fuck it right in the ear.

Well now, wasn’t that a roundabout way to get to some Reader mail? I received an email the other day from someone that seems like they are a true fan, and as is the norm, I will subject you all to it.

Dear Longstar,

You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with poop. Were you pooped on as a child?



Thanks for your email Blueyed. Unhealthy obsession? That seems kind of harsh, don’t you think? I don’t bathe in poop nor do I have poop based soap. I haven’t bottled it into cologne and sold it on a corner for $4.99. I don’t have a shrine in my house with pictures of poop on the wall that I stare at for hours on end while I call poop every fifteen minutes. Lastly, I was not pooped on as a child (though admittedly as a wee lass I did wear diapers and, by extension, pooped on myself from time to time).

I have, if we can all recall, merely stated the obvious as it relates to poop-related events. Considering that dropping a deuce is such a natural part of every creature’s existence, I find it only fitting that I use it for humor from time to time. I think maybe you have an unhealthy fear of poop. Perhaps you should look inward for the answers. You should embrace the poop…go to work tomorrow and tell a poop joke. After all, if you become comfortable with poop, you will become comfortable with yourself (I think Mr. Myagi said that, but I can’t be 100% certain).

Two topics at opposite ends of the spectrum, both of which have absolutely no real value in the grand scheme of things…go figure.

My name is Mud.
–Les Claypool



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