Posted: April 11, 2008 in Uncategorized

I have a grand idea this morning. Well, I don’t know if it is necessarily grand per se but, and you can call me egotistical; I truly believe that any idea that comes from within the confines of my skull is a good one.

My travels have been well documented in this journal of madness that I keep. Most of this travel these days is of the driving variety; getting behind the wheel and flying down highways from point A to point B. During these travels I am subjected to, as most of you are, trucks. Not the type of truck that your grandpa drives on the farm, mind you, but rather big rigs (semis, Mac trucks, trains of the open road). While I understand that the job that these gentleman (and maybe some ladies) do is thankless and exhausting (and necessary of course), I do find them to be quite an annoyance. From the teaming up on other drivers in an aggressive manner, to just the all out irritation that comes from being stuck behind one in the rain, the issues that surround these bastions of environmental hazard are numerous.

The primary sore spot for most drivers (myself included), as it relates to the semi-truck, comes during daylight hours. Clogging up the roads; making entrance and exit ramps slingshots of death; gnarling traffic during bad weather events (slow down when it’s raining for God’s sake). And considering that most of us do not do a great deal of driving during the graveyard hours, I think I have a solution that will make everyone happy, thus ending these issues all together.

My proposal is that semis should not be allowed to drive on public roads from the hours of 7 am-9pm. Sounds easy enough on the surface, but I do understand one drawback to this: the drivers of these vehicles are only human, and asking them to drive all night, every night would make them even more dangerous than before. I have, my Reader, thought of this, and I have a solution for that as well: vampires. Yes, vampires. Blood sucking, cold skinned, holy water fearing vampires. Sounds crazy right??? Well, think about this…

Vampires probably have a hard time finding work because, well, they can’t be out in the daylight. There are only so many bartending and adult video store jobs to go around, and I suspect that they account for a large portion of our unemployment population. Many people probably think of them to be lazy because they sleep all day, but in actuality, they will melt if they go job hunting during the day. If you put two and two together, this seems like a perfect fit. Vampires across the country will have gainful employment, and we can keep these trucks off the road, and out of our hair, during the day. There are benefits from an economical standpoint as well. A segment of the population that was previously unable to contribute to the economy will now be able to afford more things in life, and stop mooching off the government for benefits. Another benefit would be from a safety and insurance side of the fence. If a vampire that is driving a big rig happens to get in an accident, he or she will most likely not be killed due to the fact that he or she is already dead…you can’t kill someone that is already dead.

The only real issue I see with this epiphany of brilliance is the whole feasting-on-the-blood-of-the-living thing. I haven’t thought of a way to circumvent this chink in the armor, other than offering up Cajuns (but then Cajuns would become vampires and goodness knows we don’t need them living for an eternity). I welcome your thoughts and suggestions on how we can get around this. I would like to have a full solution in place prior to passing this idea off to my Congressman.

Before I leave you today, I do want to give a quick shout out to the motherfucker in the blue Dodge Ram 1500 SLT Louisiana license plate W495306 that I had several encounters with during my roadie yesterday. Two words for you buddy: cruise control. Flying up to 95 then back down to 60 doesn’t make you a bad ass; it just makes you a douchebag. I don’t know how they drive in Louisiana, but if you want to drive like a complete dildo, I suggest you stay in Cajunland and spare the rest of us from your horrible driving techniques. Oh, and staring me down every time you flew past me, or I flew past you, didn’t give me a boner, sorry buddy.

Angels can be so deceiving, when they love you well.
–Veruca Salt



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