No Way Jose

Posted: April 2, 2008 in Uncategorized

I am not one to keep my displeasure to myself. Whether it is in person, over the phone, or even over the internet, biting my tongue is not one of my, um, strong suits. I will say though that biting comments coming from my lips (or my fingers) are rare, but when they are unleashed, I tend to blindside people with them.

I am of the opinion that just because I don’t know you personally that you should be spared my wrath (if you can call it that). I have no problem shooting a complaint letter to a company, and in a lot of ways it is cleansing for both soul and mind. Over the last several months, something has been bothering me, and in the spirit of my blog, and for those of you that read this regularly, I mean to share it with you today.

Sports are for me, as they are for many guys, a mild obession. Football (not stupid soccer) is my primary obsession, but all sports interest me (except soccer). So when I hear about Jose Canseco (cover your ears children) opening his big fucking trap about Alex Rodriguez being a roid-head, or about him banging his wife, I get a little nauseous. Today, my nausea spilled over into a love letter that I sent Jose at, and I would like my Readers to enjoy it as much as he will.

My Dearest Jose (a little poetic license there),

You are, quite frankly, an idiot. Not only that my friend, you are the worst kind of idiot: an idiot that thinks he is King of the World. Truth be told, idiot is probably too kind. You are, in essence, nothing more than the neighborhood bully trying to push people around because you are insecure about yourself. You are a nothing but a bag of hot air without steroids and you are just upset because baseball moved on without you, and that your weiner left you long ago because you felt it to be okay to keep a needle permanently sticking into your ass. You are quite obviously jealous of others that have real talent on the diamond, and it just inflames you to see someone who was as doped up as you doing so much better than you could ever hoped to have done yourself. If you had half the talent of someone like Alex Rodriguez, you wouldn’t resort to being a sniffling crybaby tattle-tale doing anything and everything he can to make people like him.

Your slick hair, steroid induced physique, and over tanned skin can’t hide the fact that you are an uneducated, womanizing, steroid abusing moron that thinks you are making the world better when in fact you are a plague of self-interest and a role model of what kids should not grow up to be.

I am quite sure this will never make it to you, but Karma is a bitch my man, and she will hunt you down and make you feel the misery you have put everyone else through your entire life. Put that in your syringe and inject it, fuckhead.

Your Biggest Fan,

********* (I used my real name there, I hope he shows up on my doorstep)

Too much maybe? I debated on whether to curse or not, but sometimes a coined phrase like “fuckhead” just fits perfectly into a sentence. I encourage each of you to find something or someone that you really can’t stand and send them a letter professing your displeasure. I promise, it will be worth your time.

It’s the one that says Bad Motherfucker.
–Samuel L. Jackson



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