On the Road Again

Posted: March 26, 2008 in Uncategorized

Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. I mean, I’m not actually on the road while I write this as that may be incredibly dangerous. I like to text while I am driving, but I’m not sure that breaking out the ol’ laptop while I navigate through the sea of morons at 90 mph is such a hot idea (though I will admit that it might be something fun to try one day…maybe if I get a terminal illness that involves dementia).

So my friends, I have no singular purpose this evening. As I sit in my hotel room and wish for sleep to overtake me, I find that I don’t really have that much to bitch about this evening. Life is, for lack of a more descriptive word, good. But don’t fret pals…even though I don’t have many darts to throw on this lovely early spring evening, I do have a few observations to share with you.

I was flipping through the channels earlier and I came across one of the all-time great movies: Blazing Saddles. If you have not seen this classic, I suggest you go out, grab it, and pop it into your DVD player (or VCR if you still roll old school). I would normally suggest that you watch it when it comes on TV, but unfortunately, I cannot. I happened to catch it on AMC which is, as you may or may not know, a channel that censors (back in “the day” the channel was uncensored and commercial free…money really is the root of all evil). This hilarious Mel Brooks production is not the type of movie that should be shown on a censored channel. While I am not a proponent of the racial slur, such slurs are a crucial part of the comedic flow of this movie and attempting to show it without them should be considered a felony and the folks that decided this was a good idea should be rolled in honey and dropped on an ant hill (not a small one either, but the kind that engulfs a dead carcass, preferably that of a large animal…maybe an elk or something). Showing this film in a censored state not only does a disservice to Mel Brooks, but also to anyone that sees it in this fashion and missed out on the side-splitting humor that the uncensored version provides. After all, anyone that watches this movie and is offended by such language should be slapped upside the head with a greased up summer sausage….it’s just a movie people (and one from the 60’s at that). Shame on you AMC for misrepresenting the name of your channel: American Movie Classics (you might as well show Iron Eagle assholes).

On a completely different, but equally random note, I am thankful that I am not a psychic this evening. Of course I am not referring to a psychic of the mind-reading variety (I would LOVE to be a Jedi), but rather one of those psychics that searches for missing or dead people and does so by coming into contact with objects of those people. Why, you ask, might I be thinking such a thing? Well, here’s my thought train: I am, as I previously mentioned, in a hotel. Hotels are, according to Dateline NBC, notorious for having jizz splattered all over the place. I would think that if I were a psychic, I could possibly be having never-ending flashbacks of the fat guy and hooker that occupied the room previously and I just don’t think I could handle seeing such things. Would my psychic impulses involve the act that caused said goo to be strategically placed throughout the room, or more day-to-day tasks like seeing the fat guy stuff his face with two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles- onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun? Or could my flashbacks be even more disturbing (I am in Arkansas after all)? Who knows really…but I can safely say that I wish not to find out. Maybe Montel should do a show on that with that psychic Sylvia Brown that he is so fond of…I wouldn’t mind seeing her freak out like that. I smell a pay-per-view event. I’ll drop him a line tomorrow.

Well, it is about that time to pull the top comforter that hotels never wash off this decidedly uncomfortable hotel bed and treat myself to some fractured sleep. I wish I had a more clever way to finish this little, whatever it was, but I don’t.

We need more lemon pledge.
–Head of the Maid’s Union



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