This Just In…

Posted: March 20, 2008 in Uncategorized

BEJING, CHINA–Today in Bejing, the world’s largest man was released from the hospital after giving birth to what is believed to be the Far East’s first talking bowel movement.

Liong Xi, standing at 8’2″ tall, had been complaining of severe abdominal pain for nearly two months before being admitted to a local hospital. After trying many different medications, doctors were perplexed by the nature of his condition, and the inexplicable growth protruding from his midsection.

“We became incredibly concerned when Mr. Liong continually failed to produce an appreciable bowel movement, despite the number of laxatives that we had been prescribing him, ” said Dr. Chow Mein of the Bejing Institute for Intestinal Health. “After many different remedies did not produce results, we made the decision to admit him for more drastic measures.

The drastic measures, as it turned out, involved an enema comprised of goat milk and and the Chinese herb Yu Li Ren. After several applications, Liong finally produced a stool measuring at 3’2″ in length, much to the suprise of doctors and Liong himself. Further shock was produced when the bowel movement spoke to Liong and reached out to shake his hand.

“It always felt like something was clawing at me from the inside, I just assumed it was all the fast food I was eating,” quipped Liong, 54.

Liong also admitted that, while initially frightened by what he produced, he just felt something right.

“He said ‘please don’t flush me away’ and reached for my hand. I just knew I had made a new friend,” Liong said.

The intestinal anomaly, which Liong has named “Mr. Hanky” after his favorite American television show, South Park, appears to be here to stay. Shortly after the procedure, Liong could be seen laughing and playing with “Mr. Hanky”, and even giving him a high-five.

“My days of being lonely are over,” predicted Liong.

While this is the first documented talking bowel movement in the Far East, the first recorded talking bowel movement worldwide was produced by filmmaker Michael Moore during the production of Fahrenheit 9/11.

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