The Rebellion Continues…

Posted: March 17, 2008 in Uncategorized

As we discussed about 10 days ago, my dearest Reader, my body has decided to undergo a rebellion of sorts. This rebellion has not only accounted for my slight absence from this forum, but has also accounted for a number of other less-than-savory happenings in my life. The long-clawed monkeys that were initiating a prison break in my sinuses apparently made their successful escape and decided to make a run for the border. The border is not Taco Bell in this instance, but rather my abdomen. It would appear that the behavior of these rebels was mild while imprisoned in the jail of my sinuses as their behavior has become quite a nuisance since escaping the mucus filled confines of my face.

Essentially, over the last two weeks, I have gone from being punched in the face to being punched in the belly. The constant battering I have been taking has sidetracked my new found desire to exercise and return to my former stallionesque form and has clouded my brain in ways that I didn’t think were possible. My condition has not been without its benefits though. Beyond being able to quickly lose a few L b’s, I have had plenty of time to mull over topics to discuss. While I attempt to navigate my way out of the woods, I think it is high time to put my thoughts to good use (or mediocre use, depending on what you might think of these musings).

Let me tell you Reader that I should have been a doctor. Before you get all Jennifer Lopez on me, let me explain. I have a high level of curiosity for useless information. I also like to freak myself out. Both of those tidbits in hand, I decided it would be a good idea to diagnose my condition. As many of you know, I love the Internet (yes, Internet is a proper noun, look it up); moreover, I love Google. I firmly believe this is one of the best inventions ever, and not a day goes by when something pops into my head and the answer I so seek is revealed 10 times over. My current situation was no exception, and so Google it I did.

I gathered all of my information prior to seeing the doctor. I had acquired it all: symptoms, treatment, misdiagnoses, etc. As I sat in my doctor’s office and listened to his interrogation, I realized I could predict everything he was going to say once the questioning was completed: which direction he would want to go at first; the questions about my lifestyle (and of course my horrible habit of smoking took center stage once again); what my symptoms meant. He told me what he thought it was, and I just nodded and smiled. I couldn’t help but think…I pay loads money for this? Now, before you go jumping down my throat, I know that I am trivializing his role a great deal and many people out there in Lalaland do not have the means, the know-how, or the desire to figure out what is wrong with them prior to going to the doctor. And I also understand that even though I knew what was wrong with me, there wasn’t jack shit I could do about it without having my suspicions confirmed.

Out of the doctor I and back to my humble abode I go. I’ve been told (and I knew this as well) that I have to cut fat out of my diet and see if my condition subsides. Well, there goes my fast food addiction. Damn, I really like Big Macs too. Oh, and Taco Bell at 2 o’clock in the morning after a heavy night of drinking. It seems like such a shame that I am going to miss out on these the finer things in life. I guess it is true…all the good things in life are bad for you.

Keeping the previous thought in mind, I flipped on the TV and I heard a story on the local news (this is my last thought train, I promise). I sincerely hope that this is a big of surprise as it is to you, loyal Reader, but did you know that it is more expensive to eat healthy than to eat crappy? I was floored. Wow…what a fucking revelation that is. Honestly, do they pay people to acquire these stories or do they just have elementary school kids write down a bunch of topics and they pick them out of a hat? Between the murderers and pedophiles they slip in a ground breaking story about how expensive it is to eat healthy. Hey, here’s another epiphany that should be picked up by local networks: it’s expensive to dress nice too. Yep, it’s true. It costs more money to buy things that cost more money to make.

So in the end, even while under-the-weather, I am not only a doctor, but a reporter as well, all without having to stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. I wonder if I could parlay both into one megacareer? I guess I’ll have to Google it.

The sky is crying. Can’t you see the tears roll down the street?



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