Euphemismal Etiquette

Posted: March 10, 2008 in Uncategorized

Okay ladies and gentleman, I would like to mix it up a little bit and discuss a very serious topic. Much like my discussion of discourteous drivers (still a big fu…oh, it’s not worth it), this particular subject has been eating away at me for quite a while now, and I hope that today’s conversation will resonate with you just as much as it does with me. My ultimate goal here is to talk you into acting upon, and assisting me in, halting this behavior of our fellow human beings.

Before we really get rolling, let me butter the bread first by admitting that my thoughts are, for reasons you will soon learn, primarily aimed at men. I am not in the position to discuss the actions of women in this regard, but I am sure any of the women (girls, gals, ladies, chicks, whatever) that read this could probably attest to this issue. Now that you have my disclaimer, let’s chat…

There is probably not a single person on the face of this planet that has not had to use the public restroom. Whether it is at the mall, or at work, or at church, all of us have been subjected to the travails of public restrooms. There are too many disgusting features of such places of relief to list, and I’m sure we could palaver all day about the nastiness that is public restrooms (for the record, I have heard that women’s restrooms are much more disgusting than the men’s room, if you know exactly why, drop me a line). But, plethora of topics aside, let us stay on point here and talk about the main issue at hand.

I am not one to drop off a dinky load in a public restroom. I know some of you out there have no problem with it, and I applaud your tenacity. However, I am not one of those people. Personally, I don’t even like taking a leak in a public restroom, much less shedding my drawers (partially at least) and blasting a dookie. So, knowing this little tidbit of information, I can safely say that the following situation does not apply to me.

Guys (and gals of course), if you feel the need take a dump in a public restroom, is it that difficult to refrain from talking on your mobile phone? I know that some people are just that important, and perhaps your constitution is going to take the better part of the day, but it seems a little, um, gross, to me that you feel the need to engage in idle chit chat while pinching a loaf. Think about the person on the other line. Does he (or she) know you are dispensing some soft serve while you are talking about what to have for dinner? I would argue that if the person knew you were engaged in a round of colon bowling that she (or he) would seriously object to continuing the conversation and would more than likely grant you leave from the present conversation so that you could concentrate on dropping a deuce. Of course, if you are forthright enough to tell your chat buddy that you are exorcising the demons, I probably should not object so strenuously, but alas, I still feel it is beyond inappropriate.

Restrooms, especially ones of the public variety, are there for you to get in and get out, not to hold a phone conversation regarding the latest episode of Gray’s Anatomy (that’s for you ladies). Some folks may not work so well under pressure, and if you are undercutting another person’s ability to roll some logs, then you are doing a great disservice to your fellow man. Oh, and one last thing before I forget, don’t talk to me while I am taking a leak. In my opinion, draining the lizard is not happy time social hour. Thank you for your cooperation.

–Keanu Reeves


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