Lazily Listing All Over the Place

Posted: March 7, 2008 in Uncategorized

If you have not gathered it thus far, I like to make lists. Most of the time these lists are, for lack of a better word, dumb; other times, these lists are functional, but not nearly as entertaining (I could post my grocery lists, but then you might know my dirty dark product-related secrets). So, my dearest Reader, without further ado…my words of wisdom for the day, free of charge as always.

DON’T…ever grab a cheetah by the tail. That tends to make them very upset.

DO…chew with your mouth open around children. They need to know how the initial stages of the digestion process works.

DON’T…hesitate to pass gas in an elevator, but wait until you are about to get off. The remaining people on the elevator will appreciate the lingering reminder of past meals.

DO…ask a woman if she is pregnant if you are unsure. If she is, she will be happy you asked; if she is not, then maybe she will take the hint.

DON’T…say “when pigs fly.” Thousands of pigs are transported via air travel every day, and if a human is “flying” when taking a trip in an airplane, so is a pig. Someone will call you out on that if you say it, not to mention it just sounds stupid.

DO…tell dirty jokes when you meet a girl’s (or guy’s) parents. They will appreciate your sense of humor.

DON’T…blow your nose with the toilet paper from your place of employment. No explanation needed.

DO…wear a ski mask when going into a gas station at 2:34 A.M. You might get the stuff you want for free.

DON’T…ever miss an opportunity to comment on someone’s cold sore. Herpes: it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

DO…eat a dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts in one sitting. A good rule of thumb is if you don’t feel full, you should keep eating.

DON’T…call every Asian man you meet Kim Jong Il. Unless you know karate, it’s not a good idea.

DO…pretend like you have Tourette’s when you are at a public library, and then threaten to sue when they try to throw you out.

DON’T…tell people your last name. If celebrities can go by a singular name, so can you.

DO…not (fooled ya) tell me I ripped off this idea. If someone else before me has done the same, big deal. What can I say, great minds think alike.

Think for yourself, question authority.
–Timothy Leary


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