Posted: February 22, 2008 in Uncategorized

It has been a while, probably too long. You may be wondering why I took such a break from my self-fulfilling and entirely ego-pleasing writing. Well, my dear Reader, I too like to take a hiatus from time to time. However, with that said, I never intended my break to be so lengthy in its duration, but on occassion, Karma bites you in the ass and the cards that were neatly stacked on the table get strewn all over the room. I have since picked up all of the said cards, impeccably organized them, and I am now ready to start anew.

During my exile, I spent a little bit of time traveling. Ahhhhh, New York…Queen of the Western World. Many people on the west coast think that the world revolves around California. I can tell you, from personal experience, that this is not the case. The sun may set in the west, but only because it is sick of looking at the hellhole that is Los Angeles. New York is not only the gateway to this great country of ours, but the gateway to all that is, well, just fucking awesome. So, in homage to New York, I have written a letter to my geographical lover, and I would like to share that with you, my patient Reader.

Dear New York,

My dearest, let me preface this by saying that I love you. We first met a year ago, and the fire you have lit in my soul has burned inside me ever since. When I saw you again, it was like no time had passed. Our love affair picked back up right where it left off, and for that, I am eternally grateful. And while I am madly in love with you, and all that you have to offer, like all relationships, there are some faults.

New York, my sweet, you should really learn to get some sleep. Staying up all night, every night, has taken its toll on your appearance, and sometimes you look a little disheveled. The constant clatter of the unnecessary honking of horns by your overabundance of foreign cab drivers can be quite a distraction for a laid back cat such as myself.

And my dear, while I know you are busy, that is really not an excuse to be so rude all of the time. Perhaps you might find that if you take the time for a “thank you” and “excuse me,” the world of those around you might be brightned just a bit. Your attitude may stem, however, from the large amount of British high school children that have invaded your humble abode (the British are coming! the British are coming!). I too am annoyed by their fractured accents and their Sid Vicious style. I agree, get a haircut hippie.

Those things aside, you are amazing. Your culinary skills are beyond any European country, and I could eat your delicious pizza 7 days a week. Add into the mix your neverending creativity (thanks Betty!) and your ability to lose me in your eyes, and you have the perfect recipe for our undying love.

I know, my love, that I am not the only man for you, and I have found acceptance in that. I take solace in the fact that you will remember me, and will always sing me your siren song when the fire becomes too much to bear. Thank you New York my love, for being everything you have said you will be and so much more.

Yours Eternally,


P.S.–My dear, I would seriously consider cutting LaGuardia out of your life. He is a total piece of shit and just gives you a bad name.

So, my Reader, that is what I have been up to, albeit in an abbreviated format. I look forward to talking to you more as I reattach to reality and continue this thing we call life.

Oh, and one last thing, and cover the kids’ ears: Fuck you Midwest Airlines. You suck big sweaty donkey balls. I hope you die.

I always thought Colorado was right next to California, I didn’t know it was two states away.
–The idiot dipshit moron that sat behind me on the airplane and wouldn’t shut her fucking trap the entire flight back. And get some headphones for your laptop bitch, nobody wants to listen to Jeff Foxworthy muse about being a complete dildo.



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